Internet Related OCD

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Shapeshift

Member
Joined
Jan 16, 2014
Messages
23
#1
Hi.

I was diagnosed with OCD a few years ago and it was a hell of a relief knowing what was going on inside my head.

My OCD can take many forms, but I am very disturbed by this one.

When I am online, as I am now, I have a strong compulsion in my head to start Googling terms related to Child Pornography. I don't think this is POCD as I know I am not attracted to children, I think the compulsions are trying to get me to do that because I know I shouldn't do that.

I am fighting them very strongly and refusing to act on these thoughts, but it is causing great anxiety and sometimes I am actually scared to go online. I have no wish at all to find or view this material, the mere thought of it knocks me sick.

I am seeing a counsellor in general about my OCD, but, a few years ago, I had an attack of whatever this is, and I mentioned it to a doctor, as a result, I had the police at my door who seized my computer. I was under investigation for a year, they found nothing and I was completely innocent, but in this time I lost my house and my job due to stress and my greatest fear would be for this to happen again.

Has anyone had anything similar?
 
S

Skynet

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2018
Messages
79
#2
Hi.

I was diagnosed with OCD a few years ago and it was a hell of a relief knowing what was going on inside my head.

My OCD can take many forms, but I am very disturbed by this one.

When I am online, as I am now, I have a strong compulsion in my head to start Googling terms related to Child Pornography. I don't think this is POCD as I know I am not attracted to children, I think the compulsions are trying to get me to do that because I know I shouldn't do that.

I am fighting them very strongly and refusing to act on these thoughts, but it is causing great anxiety and sometimes I am actually scared to go online. I have no wish at all to find or view this material, the mere thought of it knocks me sick.

I am seeing a counsellor in general about my OCD, but, a few years ago, I had an attack of whatever this is, and I mentioned it to a doctor, as a result, I had the police at my door who seized my computer. I was under investigation for a year, they found nothing and I was completely innocent, but in this time I lost my house and my job due to stress and my greatest fear would be for this to happen again.

Has anyone had anything similar?
Honestly, it could be the onset of POCD. However, lots of single folks watch porn on the web and it doesn't cause them to do anything dangerous. Even if you view some pics you shouldn't have online, it won't turn you into a pedophile.

It seems like your doctor did you a disservice by breaching confidentiality and calling the cops; from what I hear, you weren't involved in harming a child. My best advice would be to take an SSRI for the OCD.
 
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NorasDad

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Jan 15, 2019
Messages
123
#4
Oh, wow.

So you confess your OCD thoughts to a DOCTOR and that doctor immediately contacts the police???

I had an experience that was similar in result, but very different in sequence.

It has been KILLING me for months now.

The problem is that pedo is perfect to drive OCD crazy. It's a thought crime! I mean that seriously. You clearly know that if you had any real, evil thoughts about children you'd go insane with guilt and self-condemnation. So would I, so would any rational person. But your evil OCD constantly sends intrusive thoughts to tempt you to fear that you are a monster. You then ruminatively defend yourself - to yourself!!!

Does that sound right?

POCD is not my main problem, but I think I've had 'em all at one time or another. That fear is perfect for OCD because it brings you to the edge of the pit, right? The OCD always tells you that you have to doubt yourself no matter what and that you should be constantly afraid. What's going to terrify a decent person more?
 
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NorasDad

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#5
God, just mentioning that situation (even in a non-specific way) is going to cost me an hour this morning. I'm shaking like a leaf.

I have such sympathy for POCD sufferers. I can't imagine anything worse.
 
S

Shapeshift

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Jan 16, 2014
Messages
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#6
I had a problem, I asked for help and instead of receiving help I had things made a lot worse. I never once committed or described an illegal act, but yet, officer at my door, computer seized, got it back 11 months later and was then just expected to get on as normal. Not something you easily forget.

The problem has reared it's ugly head again and has been driving me insane. I'm lucky, I'm having a decent day today, it's still there but it's not as loud, but I've nearly been in tears sometimes. I think I will always be scared to mention it to a GP again.

What you are describing sounds exactly right. Behind all the noise, I know I have no evil intentions towards kids, none at all, I just wish the constant internal thoughts would go the hell away.
 
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NorasDad

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123
#7
I had a problem, I asked for help and instead of receiving help I had things made a lot worse. I never once committed or described an illegal act, but yet, officer at my door, computer seized, got it back 11 months later and was then just expected to get on as normal. Not something you easily forget.

The problem has reared it's ugly head again and has been driving me insane. I'm lucky, I'm having a decent day today, it's still there but it's not as loud, but I've nearly been in tears sometimes. I think I will always be scared to mention it to a GP again.

What you are describing sounds exactly right. Behind all the noise, I know I have no evil intentions towards kids, none at all, I just wish the constant internal thoughts would go the hell away.

You're going through a very tough thing.

My own sense from the outside is that the worst part is that you can't use CBT on your fear without saying to yourself "Ok, I could be a pedo". That's sounds impossible. I don't know how you're supposed to do it. I think you really have to reach out for therapy even despite the trouble. Can this group help you find a therapist who knows this very common manifestation of OCD?
 
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Shapeshift

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Jan 16, 2014
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#9
Thank you for your replies ND. Appreciate them.
 
C

Clark75

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Jan 31, 2019
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#10
Being afraid you are going to do something is a common OCD trait, regardless of what that something is. Often times it is afraid of physically hurting someone you love. Regardless of what that something is, it is an OCD trait you need treatment for. Just notify your Dr or therapist that you are having thoughts and are afraid you will commit some action and that is what you need treatment for. Don't mention (or lie) about what that thought is if you think the Dr will immedietly call the police.
 
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Shapeshift

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Messages
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#11
Bit of an update. I do think it is my OCD telling me to search for stuff I shouldn't be.

I've just read a newspaper article about how clicking on terrorism propaganda websites is to be made illegal in the UK. Naturally, the thoughts in my head are now telling me to look for that.

I'm still keeping fighting though, I know I am not attracted to kids nor am I a terrorist.

Why can't my head tell me to look for pictures of flowers or The Simpsons or something.
 
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NorasDad

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Jan 15, 2019
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#12
One of my worst obsessions is finding a particular thing.

The other day I was finally able to tell myself that the thing was broken, not worth my time.

Could that be adapted to your fixation?
 
S

Shapeshift

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Jan 16, 2014
Messages
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#13
I think so. It's like I read something or I have a thought about something and it feels like I have to look for it, even though I know I don't want to.

I've had thoughts about actually doing things as well which I didn't want to, which I have acted on in the past to get the thought out of my head, sadly, I have just myself in the process.
 
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NorasDad

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Jan 15, 2019
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#14
Can you think of it in a way where it's not that big a deal?

A person looks at something violent or vulgar that some pervert has put on the Internet.

Meanwhile the most hideous actual violence goes on everywhere. On a relative basis....

Don't elevate the importance of your fixations and they won't torture you. Easier said than done, I'm sure, but it is still a sound concept.
 
S

Shapeshift

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Jan 16, 2014
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#15
You're right, I'm trying to not concentrate on them and just carry on as normal.

Some times are easier than others.