Intense suffering after one month relationship - can anyone relate?

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paperflowers_london5

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Joined
Sep 30, 2018
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#1
Hi everyone,

This is my first post in the forum. After my recent break up I happened to google “getting attached too easily” and came across this subforum. It feels like reading about my whole love life

I am recently single after a one month failed dating period..

I live in London where loneliness can get so crippling and harsh I can’t help but seek out love on dating apps.

I had my first date with a 39 yo japanese guy 5 weeks ago. It was love at first sight! He was so polite and nice, totally my type. I ended up making the first move by kissing him mid-date ! From the get go he was a bad texter and rarely initiated meetings. Having never dated an asian guy before, I assumed it was a cultural difference.

At the end of the first date he said “see you around” which immediately triggered panick as I thought he never wanted to see me again! I asked him out for the second date to see if this is how he felt. The second date is the best date I ever had ! We relaxed in a park, talked and had an ice cream later. He was SO SWEET AND POLITE! Sadly, he didn’t initiate third date, so I suggested we grab a movie. He promptly agreed and he booked us the tickets.

Red flags on the third date :( he casually told me he does cocaine with friends recreationally). I realised this was a huge problem but my heart said let’s give it a chance! I told him his lack of texting between dates is confusing, to which his reply was that his ex said the same thing (red flag no2)

It was fun and he didn’t want to go home that night, I had to kick him. Red flag no3: he said we could do codeine together out of the blue !

Again he didn’t text anything after the third date. I was so anxious waiting for him to say something, it felt like going crazy! How can someone tell me he likes me and not ask how I am and set up a new date! I met him for lunch and mentioned the texting again to which he apologised and said he is too relaxed and does ‘t want to disturb my busy schedule.

On date no 5 I went to his place and made love. I wasn’t sure if it was too early or not but I wanted to hold him so bad I no longer cared.

I spent the next day agonizing that he won’t call or text me to ask to see me again. He did text 2 days later asking how I was. We had date no 6 three days later. Dinner and I went to his place again :( I couldn’t help it.
He was acting like my boyfriend by now and I was over the moon!

Sadly, on date no 7 everything changed. He showed up looking upset and tired and irritable; gone was the smile, the politeness and the affection!

He asked to come to my place but I told him my flat wasn’t ready! ( new move)

He got severely irritated when I said I could go to his place instead! Once we arrived he quickly went upstairs to clean up or something (?). As I sat on his couch feeling shy he pulled me closer and told me to stop overthinking so much. We kissed and I melted.

Second morning on my third sleepover he was extremely cold: no cuddling, no offer to make me coffee or breakfast. I felt hurt but played it cool by saying I have a long day but I would love to have a coffee with him. He was sort of polite to make me one and then I kissed him and left.

I knew something was off and texted him a day later asking how he was and if we can meet up soon.
Then came the break up text, my worst fear:

“Hi S, I found out my mum is ill and I will travel to Japan and not sure when I will be back! Work is chaos and I am mentally exhausted. I can’t see anyone right now. I am so sorry”

I cried for hours after reading this. I can’t sleep, eat and I just want him back. I miss his smell and his voice. I tried to reply very nicely and ask him if we can meet when he comes back. He just replied “I can’t see you sorry”

I am in bed, struggling to breathe. I did everything right on my dates with him: I looked perfectly polished, smiled, was fun and flirty, talked a lot, we had a lot in common. I paid on dates as well. I feel so used and I don’t buy his excuse at all! I asked him from the start if he was looking for a hook up and he said no. We had some exclusivity talks, but again, all initiated by me. I genuinely thought maybe he is just passive or something.

Does this sound like BPD? I have cried for him more than for my previous bf, a 3 year relationship !
 
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Helena1

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#2
I think it sounds pretty normal, you were starting to develop feelings for this guy then he just cut it off, anyone would be gutted.
 
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paperflowers_london5

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Sep 30, 2018
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#4
Hi Helena, thank you for replying. The worst part is my rationalizing he is a drug addict (in his past he used to do coke every day), yet I kept wanting to be with him! This makes no sense to me :( it feels so raw and I miss him, although there were so many red flags: he only has once photo on social media and whatsapp, no trace of him online, secretive ... is this how BPD works? You fall in love FAST and get attached quickly ? I have ALWAYS had this problem, ever since I had my first crush
 
mami5

mami5

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Aug 30, 2012
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#5
There is more to BPD than broken relationships!

You say you've just moved....and lonely. This man filled that gap for you and despite the red flags you continued to see him because the thought of being alone was worse.

Do not go seeking labels that you don't need, instead be thankful that what you're experiencing is normal. You have a broken heart and lonely.....not only do you miss him, but you miss having company.

Hopefully you'll get over him and feel better soon.

:welcome: to the forum by the way :hug:
 

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