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Intense obsessive fears/paranoia about somehow hurting someone

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le_sandwich

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Joined
Dec 25, 2018
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3
Hi, I've been dealing with bad OCD recently to do with an intense irrational fear that I will somehow become violent towards someone. It rationally makes no sense, as I have no desire to do this - although I definitely don't express anger/negative emotions in a healthy way and it gets bottled up, I've never wanted to seriously hurt anybody.

For example I was with my family tonight for Christmas Eve, and there was a steak knife out to cut cheese/whatever else, and it freaked me out that someone could very easily stab someone with it if they wanted to. I kind of panicked internally and was at a high level of distress for most of the night, just feeling like something is wrong with me because I'm thinking about that/am scared of it. I'm trying to avoid hospitalization because I don't think I'm an actual threat to anyone, but I'm so scared and have such a massive sense of dread that it's difficult to function or enjoy anything. Like I don't know how else to deal with it besides just continuing to not hurt anyone. It freaks me out that the thoughts are there. Like of course it's good to be cautious with a knife around but this is well beyond that, this is existential dread/paranoia.

I've had OCD/obsessive fears about other things, for example homosexuality, or being afraid that I'll start hallucinating/"break" from reality, but this feels even worse because I think my biggest fear is somehow hurting someone. I had dealt with OCD earlier in adulthood, and felt I had it decently managed. Then I had a massive panic attack smoking weed, and the fear was just completely cut loose - I had never experienced fear on that scale, and thought I was going to die or something. Afterwards I had bad depersonalization/derealization, and the anxiety/OCD/depression was all much worse. I have done OK for small stretches but largely it's been very difficult since then. I'm at least working part-time now, but am hoping to start doing better mentally and working full-time so I can fully support myself financially. This OCD/obsessive fear has really been messing me up though, I can't really make progress with it going on so intensely. I also saw a movie a few months ago that was basically like seeing my worst fear play out, which certainly did not help.

Anyway sorry for the wall of text, I was just hoping to get some support for it, or hear from other people who have dealt with this/are managing it. I'm currently seeing an online therapist and am taking low doses of Prozac, Luvox and Buspar. Someone I talked to who had basically the same kind of OCD was on Zoloft, so I'm thinking about trying that.
 
calypso

calypso

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:welcome: to the forum. I haven't experienced anything so intense but such intrusive thoughts have occurred to me. We have 75,000 thoughts a day (how they measured that I don't know), and only a few make it to consciousness. There are literally thousands of really good thoughts in our minds.

I have had that with knives before and I practise hard to re route my brain so I name the emotion that goes with it eg anger, fear etc - not the emotion only that the thought causes, but the one behind it, Then I imagine I write it on an imaginery piece of paper and throw it onto an imaginery fire. Initially, I was throwing loads and loads onto the fire, but eventually it slowed down to a few an hour and then less.

That is just my way, maybe you can think of another one for you. Deep breathing helps too. In for count of three, hold for three, exhale for three and hold for three. This helps slow the brain down a little.
 
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LoveYourself

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Aug 14, 2018
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69
Yes, i`ve had a lot of those kind of horrible thoughts/fears. Im a little better now, but the thoughts exist in my subconscious and they get stronger sometimes than other.

The thoughts about hurting others(in particular my parents), are the worst in my opinion. There is also a lot of other horrible thought patterns that more or less live in my mind, like fear of becoming psychotic, fear of social ridicule by losing control in social settings, not being able to think clearly etc.

We know its all irrational and not real, but it can be hellish regardless.

Miguel Ruiz wrote a book where a whole chapter is dedicated to learning how to do your best in any situation. Thats one of the more helpful things ive read. The point is that no matter how bad it gets, just do whatever you can.
 
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le_sandwich

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Joined
Dec 25, 2018
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3
Thanks for the responses. Shortly after posting that I also read an article by a psychologist who deals with those exact type of obsessive fears:

International OCD Foundation | How I Treat OCD Killer Thoughts: Treating Violent Obsessions

The "Exposure and Response Prevention" technique he describes is pretty counter-intuitive to someone who just doesn't want the thoughts to be there - he basically has the patient experience the thoughts/triggers as much as possible until they lose their power. It still freaks me out that that fears/thoughts are there at all, but I found a little relief so far in actually letting the thoughts play out in my head, as a way of showing myself that they're basically meaningless. I'm sure I still have a long ways to go but I want to keep tackling the anxiety head-on, as the article suggests, rather than continuing to avoid and make myself a victim.
 
TroubleinParadise

TroubleinParadise

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Jun 28, 2018
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187
Location
South Africa
It happens to everyone

Hi,

I read your post. This might be of some assurance, and you may already know this, but everybody experiences this, even people without the disorder. The problem with OCD and anxiety is the amount of importance we place on the thoughts. Unfortunately because of this - we end up ruminating on it to the point where it strips our joy.

I get you, I've experienced this frequently, it's a tough one. I assure you now that you will never act on it, our feelings are deceptive. It's fear, and fear warps your perception of things.

Stay strong and happy festivities. :)
 
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le_sandwich

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Dec 25, 2018
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3
Thank you Paradise, I appreciate you
 
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