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Insecurity, paranoia and jealousy in a relationship - need help

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evelineheston

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Joined
Jan 4, 2021
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UA
hi everyone!

I was diagnosed with BPD more than 2 years ago, and relationships are not very easy for me sometimes.

I've been with my partner for about a year now, and he's a great person. Despite us having a pretty rocky start (he was sometimes doubting whether he wanted to be in a relationship at all), we're doing great right now. I can 100% say that this is my healthiest relationship ever.

Here's where my insecurity comes in.
I often feel like he does not love me or does not want to be with me because I've experienced this with him before - a year ago. We now live together, we've already built a life together, we even got a cat together, and he says how serious this is. I have all the facts laid out in front of me but I can't help but spiral down into this darkness and loneliness. I try not to ask him stuff like "are you going to leave me" because when he says "of course not" it's still very hard for me to believe.
I often feel like he's more enthusiastic when he's around other people while I am just a burden he needs occasionally to talk to. He wants to play games with his friends, he's interested in doing other stuff with them, while with me he seemingly just exists. I feel left out because it often feels like we don't spend quality time together despite living together.

I also struggle with the fact that he didn't want to become exclusive in the beginning. He was talking to many other girls which I got fed up with. I went no contact with him for a month, and during this time, he was very happy trying to sleep with other women. It was very infuriating to me because he would come to my apartment, lay on my bed and scroll tinder.
This mess happened a year ago, and everything had been mostly great but for some reason, it's still very hard for me to get over this.
He says he's very sorry for hurting me but it does not seem genuine for some reason.
It doesn't bother me at all times but when it does it's BAD. I can't stop creating ugly narratives in my head, and it's so exhausting.
He is very loyal now, and there's nothing that can make me not trust him but I still fear SOMETHING. I fear that he'll leave me for someone better, fitter, healthier, calmer. I am very scared that he might miss other women even though he deleted every single conversation and stuff like that from that period of time.
It's also worth mentioning that I was been cheated on in pretty much every relationship I was in which might explain a lot of my issues.
However, I am getting more and more paranoid, and it's eating me alive.

Unfortunately, I can't afford therapy right now so I would be glad to hear suggestions on how to get my paranoia and jealousy under control.
 
M

mewmewpurpur

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Jul 1, 2020
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Richmond, VA, USA
Hello!! I feel this post on a whole other level because I’m going through this right now with my partner. And I’m on this forum now because of these thoughts or worthlessness within the relationship. Whenever I feel like that try and remember to fill yourself with love first and that your partner cannot give that you. Make yourself your first priority no matter what. Hope you have a great day evelin!
 
PetitPois

PetitPois

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Hi @evelineheston welcome to the forum :hi:

I have BPD and can relate to some of your insecurities. Reading your story, I would say there are things there that would create insecurities even if you did not have BPD. So there already exists things you are struggling to overcome and then with BPD they are amplified.

IMO you need to talk to your partner about the issues you mention, such as feeling he does not engage and have the same fun with you as he does his friends and a lack of quality time together. In a healthy relationship, talking openly about this stuff is important. Otherwise it can fester and cause resentments on both sides. So before anything try and resolve the problems in the relationship that you know are real. Only then when these are dealt with will you be able to see if excessive jealousy/insecurities are impacting your ability to move on from the past behaviours in the relationship.

BPD can send you quickly into a head space of abandonment and feeling neglected. I would say however, you are already very aware of this and seem to try and reason with these thoughts you have. That is a really good thing. I am older now, and I recognise when this happens, which thankfully is not often now. For me the important thing is that I let my partner know what is going on in my head. I do not allow myself to shut off and keep my feelings locked inside. This just allows them to grow.

Do you take medication for your BPD?
 
E

evelineheston

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Jan 4, 2021
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UA
Hi @evelineheston welcome to the forum :hi:

I have BPD and can relate to some of your insecurities. Reading your story, I would say there are things there that would create insecurities even if you did not have BPD. So there already exists things you are struggling to overcome and then with BPD they are amplified.

IMO you need to talk to your partner about the issues you mention, such as feeling he does not engage and have the same fun with you as he does his friends and a lack of quality time together. In a healthy relationship, talking openly about this stuff is important. Otherwise it can fester and cause resentments on both sides. So before anything try and resolve the problems in the relationship that you know are real. Only then when these are dealt with will you be able to see if excessive jealousy/insecurities are impacting your ability to move on from the past behaviours in the relationship.

BPD can send you quickly into a head space of abandonment and feeling neglected. I would say however, you are already very aware of this and seem to try and reason with these thoughts you have. That is a really good thing. I am older now, and I recognise when this happens, which thankfully is not often now. For me the important thing is that I let my partner know what is going on in my head. I do not allow myself to shut off and keep my feelings locked inside. This just allows them to grow.

Do you take medication for your BPD?

Hi! Thanks a lot for your reply

My partner and I discussed this a few times which lead to us having some arguments. Nothing terrible but he had some issues understanding how I feel because like I mentioned before, he's much less emotional. However, I've seen great changes, and I usually see his efforts.

There are some moments when I feel like he could've been more attentive but the main issue is still my perception of certain situations. Despite us being different when it comes to love language and emotions, we learn how to communicate with each other more and more.

I am not really able to shut off as my defense mechanism is pouring out my negative emotions which don't really have time to bottle up - they explode pretty much right away.


As for medication, I used to take Venlafaxine but eventually had to quit it about a month ago. I feel zero difference at this point tbh even though it saved me when I just started taking it.
I was also prescribed tranquilizers two years ago (I did have some issues with anxiety but nothing severe so they were useless) and neuroleptics a year ago (scary af and gave me horrible side effects, stopped taking almost immediately). I am going to make an appointment with a psychiatrist to see what they can offer at this point. Treatment of BPD in my country is very strange so my main hope is a good therapist
 
PetitPois

PetitPois

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Okay, thanks for explaining a bit more. Yes I used to explode immediately. My emotions still explode when I have an occurrence, but I tend to walk away from the situation to calm down. Something I never used to be able to do.

I take quite a few meds for my BPD including quetiapine which has been very effective. I have lived with BPD a lot longer than you, but can remember in the early days prior to meds and age that my BPD was uncontrollable. It is really hard to advise on, as the intensity of emotions we experience at the flick of a switch is off the scale making any rationalization with ourselves almost impossible. We get consumed by the emotion at the time.

It is difficult for someone without BPD to understand how it effects us, or how something they do can have such a dramatic effect on us.

Therapy could definitely be very beneficial for you. Now you have joined this forum, I suggest you use here as support as well. Reading other peoples posts and finding people you can identify with is a great help I find. Also getting your own emotions out by posting yourself, knowing others with similar struggles are reading and responding can be very therapeutic too. I find being part of this community a good boost, and it helps with loneliness.

I went through lots of meds before the right combination was found, so maybe consider exploring this option again.
 
B

beautywithin

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Jul 10, 2020
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I didnt want to read and leave, not sure i can offer advice on how to deal with how your feeling aprt from positive thinking when the bad creeps in. I myself suffer in the relationship im in and my BPD goes haywire big time. There is alot thats has happened where if someone didnt have BPD it would have made them paranoid. To the point my minds in over drive because shes getting a phone after months without one because hers was broken. Just want you to know your not alone x
 
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Nara

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Jan 3, 2021
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Chile
Omg, I feel just the same way as you, I feel so understood now. You are not alone and I will appreciate if you can share the way you cope with this. Because it is so exhausting and frustrating having thoughts you cant control...
hugs and hope for you
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Forum Guide
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Nov 10, 2019
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England
I would think that if everything ends, i will be ok. That has to always be in your mind, that you can live a happy life if the relationship were to end, but to have it is a good thing.
 

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