Insecure in myself

[Mikey_205]

Im slightly worried about some of my recent patterns of behaviour. Im 21 and I have periods where I feel really depressed.

I guess the thing Im most depressed about is my lack of any romantic relationship to date. I go clubbing with friends and I have occasional success dancing with girls or kissing or whatever but since its clubbing it doesnt lead to anything. At the time it makes me feel great because Im getting affirmation but within a few days I start to wonder if its only because they were drunk and why I cant seem to get beyond that stage. I have fallen for some of my female friends in the past and asked them out but its never ended well, I seem to place too much value in girls opinions the second they say anything even remotely negative I get really hurt (though obviously I hide it). I guess I feel really insecure about my looks and personality. Sometimes I think Im good looking and funny other times Ill think I look disgusting, weird and boring I cant seem to maintain any self esteem.

Im worried because when I do get rejected or even just if a girl I really like sends out signals shes not interested. I feel like Ive been kicked in the stomach and dont want to be on the planet anymore. Ive never felt like dying just isolating myself from the world completely so that I cant be reminded of it. I used to confide to someone in my family about my insecurities but since Ive been to university I havent been as close. Im also starting to not trust the opinions of those who care about me when it comes to anything related to me. I just think they are saying whatever they say to cheer me up.

I used to escape it by reading and playing videogames and I still do that to a certain extent. But its also started manifesting itself quite badly in the last year or so. Ive started drinking a lot alone, also if something upsets me on a night out I will just disappear suddenly without saying goodbye to anyone. Its like Im trying to avoid dealing with anything that might challenge the shell of confidence I have in myself.

Im also not really sure if being single is a real problem for me or if Im looking for something to be depressed about and its just a mental condition. Is my insecurity symptomatic of being lonely and never having had a girlfriend or am I alone and undesirable because of the moods and insecurity? I find periods where Im busy with work it dwindles but it always re-emerges.

On a concious level I know I shouldnt invest so much in other peoples opinions. Im at a very good university and have been achieving good grades in my exams. Ive got lots of friends who care about me and my family are all really supportive of me. I also know I shouldnt care what girls think but when I feel any rejection this entire perspective just falls away.

Any thoughts?

 

[invise]

Hey there,

Welcome to the forum.

Sorry I dont have loads of answers and what not, but if it helps at all I know exactly how you feel. Im hugely insecure and dwell on things that people say far too much, then lock myself away from the outside world for days too.

Is my insecurity symptomatic of being lonely and never having had a girlfriend or am I alone and undesirable because of the moods and insecurity?

Its catch 22 isnt it? I find predicaments like this cropping up all the time. I really wish I knew what the answer to those kinda things were, and to some extent I guess both answers are true. But then maybe its that neither are true. I often wonder if its self perception thats the problem? You sound like you read into things hugely just like I do. Not sure if thats a huge problem in itself.

Anyway, sorry I havent been much help. Keep posting on here though. Lots of people feel the same. Its nice to be able to rant and read other peoples similar situations anonymously. Reminds me that Im not alone in how I feel.

Keep posting.

 

[Dollit]

You're going through a period of great change in your life. You've left home behind and if feels like they're less close, less of a bond. All your life you seem to have been heading towards this and now you're here you don't feel quite ready for some aspects of the life.

I seemed to spend half my life being embarrassed and shy around boys and the other half thinking that they asked me out because I was so ugly that they felt sorry for me. As I got older I realised that when they looked at me they were seeing a much bigger picture than the one I was.

It's easy to say relax and enjoy the time and not worry about the opposite sex but it is their company we tend to crave.

And yes the insecurity/depression is a self feeding circle and hard to break but not impossible.

Keep coming back.

 

[saffron]

hi
it so easy to get stuck in that situation, but normally finding girls in clubs do not lead to anything, or men for those women reading this. the thing is you sound like you want different things to what your friends are looking for, youi are still young and sound romantic, caring and thoughtful you also are looking for something a bit more meaningful than a one nighter. unfortunately, most people going to clubbs just want to let their hair down and have some fun and release. if you go out with a specific agenda of meeting a person for a relationship, it canoften either comes across as being desperate or submissive, and that can lead you to being disappointed even more and so you turn that into maybe there is something wrong with you. there is not, but maybe you are in a bit of a rush rather than meeting someone as a friend and build on that, youi can then let them know of your intentions, that you do not want just a one night stand, and they can then make up thier mind on what they want.
you could try and meet people other than in a night club. or at least if you do dont go out expecting a sudden life partner.
you sound a very good person and someone will be lucky to find you or that you have found them.
if you are feeling particularly anxious in social situations then sometimes visiting the doctor or talking to a counsellor helps.
we are all conscious of ourselves and others at that age, your not on your own.
best wishes
S

 

[Dollit]

Saffron not everyone that goes to a night club is looking for a one night stand and not everyone who goes to night clubs are bad people. Yes there are other ways of meeting people but you can't dismiss the ones that you don't like personally as bad!

 

[saffron]

dollit, i did not say they all were, I said NORMALLY finding girls or men in clubs does not lead to anything, that does not mean to say it will never happen.
but it is obvious that trying to find someone in clubs for Mickey is not going to plan. but hey you obviously know all the answers so I will just but out eh.

 

[Dollit]

I don't know all the answers and don't pretend to. What I was pointing out was that not everyone goes clubbing for the same reason (and I have no idea what mickey is - if it's a euphemism then it's wasted on me). As for normally finding men or women in clubs and it not leading to anything you can only speak by your experience and not anyone else's. Personally I met a man I lived with when I was in a club, I met a man I married when I was in a club. I met a few of my closest friends when I was in clubs. That's normally what happens to me and that's my experience!

 

[Mikey_205]

Thanks for the support its nice to be able to vent and confess some of my problems without being judged. I felt better after typing that out and hearing back from some people who've felt the same.

About the clubbing Im not really searching for something meaningful there although I am open to it just seems that I've only had success in those situations. I often fall for friends since I find it hard to actually fancy someone unless I know something about them. Of course because they're friends I value their opinion and when they reject me I always take it to mean something is wrong with me rather than their taste is simply different. I guess its my reaction Im most worried about. How can you like someone enough to ask them out and yet not care what they think about you?

 

[Dollit]

I can't answer your last question but I know that I recently fell for someone who was a long term friend and luckily it was reciprocated and it did feel a lot more natural than starting from scratch. It's a risk you have to take sometimes with friendships and it is hard to read signs with a friend. There's nothing wrong with you if they say no. Different people feel different things at different times. I think sometimes we fall for friends because they're safer.

 

[jamesdean]

I meet my partner of 15 years on a dance floor I let him have a sniff of my poppers n the rest is history.

 

[112inky]

Im slightly worried about some of my recent patterns of behaviour. Im 21 and I have periods where I feel really depressed.

I guess the thing Im most depressed about is my lack of any romantic relationship to date. I go clubbing with friends and I have occasional success dancing with girls or kissing or whatever but since its clubbing it doesnt lead to anything. At the time it makes me feel great because Im getting affirmation but within a few days I start to wonder if its only because they were drunk and why I cant seem to get beyond that stage. I have fallen for some of my female friends in the past and asked them out but its never ended well, I seem to place too much value in girls opinions the second they say anything even remotely negative I get really hurt (though obviously I hide it). I guess I feel really insecure about my looks and personality. Sometimes I think Im good looking and funny other times Ill think I look disgusting, weird and boring I cant seem to maintain any self esteem.

Im worried because when I do get rejected or even just if a girl I really like sends out signals shes not interested. I feel like Ive been kicked in the stomach and dont want to be on the planet anymore. Ive never felt like dying just isolating myself from the world completely so that I cant be reminded of it. I used to confide to someone in my family about my insecurities but since Ive been to university I havent been as close. Im also starting to not trust the opinions of those who care about me when it comes to anything related to me. I just think they are saying whatever they say to cheer me up.

I used to escape it by reading and playing videogames and I still do that to a certain extent. But its also started manifesting itself quite badly in the last year or so. Ive started drinking a lot alone, also if something upsets me on a night out I will just disappear suddenly without saying goodbye to anyone. Its like Im trying to avoid dealing with anything that might challenge the shell of confidence I have in myself.

Im also not really sure if being single is a real problem for me or if Im looking for something to be depressed about and its just a mental condition. Is my insecurity symptomatic of being lonely and never having had a girlfriend or am I alone and undesirable because of the moods and insecurity? I find periods where Im busy with work it dwindles but it always re-emerges.

On a concious level I know I shouldnt invest so much in other peoples opinions. Im at a very good university and have been achieving good grades in my exams. Ive got lots of friends who care about me and my family are all really supportive of me. I also know I shouldnt care what girls think but when I feel any rejection this entire perspective just falls away.

Any thoughts?

Hi friend welcome to the forum!!!
i can feel the great pressure around you... please be more flexible to changes and don't hold on strong as some factors may crash you... i have been in situations like you and hence i say that you don't know the great power within you!!! you are beautiful and handsome man!!! it all lies in how you tackle situation when they come!!!!share your thoughts over here friend!!!!they will lessen in your heart...

 

[maudikie]

To mickey

I'm a lot older than you, but didn't meet my husband until i wa about 25.We didn't marry for about two years. We took time to know each other, and when it happened it lasted for over 40 years.Why not just look for friedships. Relationships are very transitory until you have met the right one. Friendships deveope. You have your studies and a variety of interests. Clubbing although it's the IN thing may not be the right place for you. I'm old fashioed enough not to believe in one night stands. They so often lead to heartbreak for one or the other. Just be friends, and let things develop from there. You have plenty of time. Meet a casual friend and ask her out to a meal. If the conversation is good, then repeat the process. Love doesn't dome dished up on a plate, and there is nothing more precious than friendship. Good luck and take care

 

[katabella]

Hey! I go through the exact same thing, so you're not alone. Ive been single since i was 15 and im now 19! Sometimes it bothers me and other times i dont care at all, sometimes im really confident and other times i just want to lock myself away or move to a different country so i wont have to speak to anyone! People constantly tell me im really pretty or give me compliments and im a really good student at university but i feel like none of that matters or they are just saying it because they feel sorry for me and want to make me feel a bit better about myself and i obviously put guys off in some way or other. :S
Completely understand what you're going through!

 

[trombone_babe]

Oh Katabella, how can being single at 19 be such a problem? Or you Mikey? You're still so very young, trust me it doesn't matter. What clearly does matter is that you're lacking in self-confidence. I'd really try and forget about being single, I know it's easier said than done, but it's true. You're both at uni, making new friends/contacts. Try and concentrate on that first, and hopefully you will start to relax, which will make you more attractive to the opposite sex

Whatever, keep chatting to us on here if it helps, and let us know how you get on.