In the end there was only regret

T

tangledthoughts

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Joined
Mar 9, 2018
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#1
I don't know where to start. But, I guess I am writing this to pull myself away from the edge. I may just be overthinking, I mean that has been the only thing I could do for the past few years as I seem to have lost most of my emotions.

I've finished college in my late 20's, money was from my own pockets. After graduating, I felt empty, like I've no more direction. I spent 5 years in college, studying and working at the same time. I had to quit my job several months ago due to my worsening condition that I do not tell my family and friends. I am good at pretending to be okay, in fact that is the only thing I am good at. There were times when I am walking home from work, suddenly I'll feel sadness and fear. Sadness like I've lost something and fear like something is out there. My brain tells me that it is illogical to feel that way however the sadness and fear stays for several minutes.

When I started college, I had a girlfriend. Let's just call her "Mia". She convinced to finish college. We were dating for a few weeks then when I decided to pursue my college education. This was when I met a girl who's 7 years younger than me, and though I never told her, I loved her. This younger girl was also named "Mia".

I would've left my girlfriend then, had it not been for my moral sense. I stayed with my girlfriend for four years, while I kept distance with the younger "Mia", not giving her anything, not a clue that I felt something for her. Yes, it doesn't make sense but I felt happy seeing Mia. I denied myself the fact that I was in love her, I thought it was the right thing to do since I couldn't hurt my then girlfriend. I pretended to love my girlfriend while at the same time I also pretended that I do not love the younger Mia.

I reconnected to the younger Mia 3 years ago only by social media. She's already working, she has grown into a fine, decent young woman. Sometimes I wish I never reconnected with her. I told her how I felt about her only to find out she felt the same. She sent me a picture. It was a picture of me, she was taking pictures of me from afar. It was then, bit by bit that I realized that I am becoming numb.

Now thoughts of regret gnaw at me every single day. When I see Mia in social media or if thoughts of her comes in my mind, there is only pain. The kind of pain where I feel like it would burst my heart out of my chest. I thought about dying, every day I waited for it.

I hope someday I can be free.
 
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IWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH

Guest
#2
:welcome: to the forum. Sorry you are in pain. I think you need to tell those women how you feel.
 

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