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In need of someone’s thoughts on my relationship

Riah3

Riah3

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Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
118
Location
Texas
Hello, I have borderline personality disorder and have terrible feelings of abandonment and low self esteem. Let’s back track a little my relationship was the closest thing to perfect and we had so much trust in one another and we were happy mostly all the time. We’re at a point now where we argue every day. My feelings of doubt in myself have rubbed off into my relationship. I constantly feel like my boyfriend is going to leave me and I’ve pushed that idea so much that tonight he brought up needing a break. The one thing I’ve feared most is on the verge of happening... I feel like I’m not good enough for him and that I don’t have any self worth. I told him tonight that I need him to tell me more that he loves me and that I’m beautiful... in his case he thinks he says it plenty and asked is there ever going to be a bar set that will be reachable because he says I want to hear those things a lot because he already feels he says it enough. I told him if I could have it my way I would constantly hugged kissed called sweet things and be told that I’m loved constantly. I said that I want to feel confident that you’re in absolute love with only me and no one else and that I’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever laid his eyes on. Because of my low self esteem and anxiety and depression I just feel so shitty so I’m looking to him to make me feel better. And he’s at a point where he just can’t take it... he says I stress him out and he just revealed to me that I pressure him into doing things and try to manipulate him to do things I want him to. The other night I asked if he wanted to go for a walk.. he responded with no and don’t ask me again.... I was appalled and said well what the heck why did you respond that way and he told me that it’s because I always try to change his mind and pressure him into doing things he doesn’t feel like doing. I know he’s right because I was immediately going to say well why not it’s nice out it’ll be good for us. All of these things immediately came to my head and he said that before I could get them out... I would definitely say I’m realizing the issues with my bpd more now. Before I had no idea at all that I had bpd but being mindful and seeing a therapist is really helping. Anyways my boyfriend and I have our 6 year anniversary on Wednesday and he’s telling me that I’m too needy and that I stress him out constantly and put pressure on him to do things and he feels like he will constantly have to compete on my happiness etc. what are you guys’ thoughts does anyone have any advice or is anyone dealing with this? sighs
 
JaneChaos

JaneChaos

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Joined
Mar 15, 2020
Messages
53
Location
Toronto, Canada
Your situation sounds a lot like one I've been going through with my husband. I pushed and pushed until finally...he's gone. He couldn't take it any longer and has separated from me. The ironic thing is, that like you, I had no idea I had BPD for years, only recently being diagnosed after treatment for depression and anxiety that never helped. Once diagnosed, I found a therapist and started to work hard on gaining back my life. But I've lost pretty much all of my closest friends and now my lifeline, my husband, too. It looks like I'll be starting almost from scratch. I guess the advice I have is to do whatever you can to back off and give him space. Do whatever it takes to use any and all techniques you are learning in therapy to stop and calm yourself. If you've been together for 6 years, I'd also say to involve him in your therapy work - the more he knows about what is going on with you, the better he can be there to understand and support. I really hope you can maintain your relationship as you continue to get help. Good luck.
 
Riah3

Riah3

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
118
Location
Texas
Your situation sounds a lot like one I've been going through with my husband. I pushed and pushed until finally...he's gone. He couldn't take it any longer and has separated from me. The ironic thing is, that like you, I had no idea I had BPD for years, only recently being diagnosed after treatment for depression and anxiety that never helped. Once diagnosed, I found a therapist and started to work hard on gaining back my life. But I've lost pretty much all of my closest friends and now my lifeline, my husband, too. It looks like I'll be starting almost from scratch. I guess the advice I have is to do whatever you can to back off and give him space. Do whatever it takes to use any and all techniques you are learning in therapy to stop and calm yourself. If you've been together for 6 years, I'd also say to involve him in your therapy work - the more he knows about what is going on with you, the better he can be there to understand and support. I really hope you can maintain your relationship as you continue to get help. Good luck.
Wow thank you, this is very eye opening I appreciate you sharing your story I’m going to do what you said. It’s very sad that it had to end that way for your marriage. It isn’t fair to us but we are a strong sort of person to understand what is happening and trying our hardest to fix it. Best wishes to you and I’m here if you ever need to talk.
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
3,389
Location
London, ON
I told him tonight that I need him to tell me more that he loves me and that I’m beautiful... in his case he thinks he says it plenty and asked is there ever going to be a bar set that will be reachable because he says I want to hear those things a lot because he already feels he says it enough. I told him if I could have it my way I would constantly hugged kissed called sweet things and be told that I’m loved constantly. I said that I want to feel confident that you’re in absolute love with only me and no one else and that I’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever laid his eyes on. Because of my low self esteem and anxiety and depression I just feel so shitty so I’m looking to him to make me feel better
It's not your BF's job to constantly boost your self-esteem, you have to do it for yourself.

Constantly looking for outside validation is one of the issues of BPD, and it's one of the hardest for others to deal with. You said it yourself - there is no limit to how much you want to hear these things. It's actually not fair to your BF to expect he meet that expectation; you need to reduce your need for validation.

You need to learn to control your emotions on your own, better than you do now.
 
Riah3

Riah3

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
118
Location
Texas
It's not your BF's job to constantly boost your self-esteem, you have to do it for yourself.

Constantly looking for outside validation is one of the issues of BPD, and it's one of the hardest for others to deal with. You said it yourself - there is no limit to how much you want to hear these things. It's actually not fair to your BF to expect he meet that expectation; you need to reduce your need for validation.

You need to learn to control your emotions on your own, better than you do now.
Thank you for your candidness I definitely needed to hear this and I appreciate your response.. sighs I have some work cut out for me.
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
3,389
Location
London, ON
On the plus side, you were open and honest with what you said - that's a good thing. I'm far more closed off, for somebody with BPD. It's impossible for me to say what I need, because what if they use that against me?

Try this, maybe - rather than noticing all the times he could have validated you, and didn't, make note of when he does. Enjoy that moment fully, and remember it when you feel less happy, or more needy.
 
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