In need of some advice! Urgently!

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Toto4611

New member
Joined
Jan 5, 2019
Messages
2
#1
Hello!

I’m writing in here because I’m strongly needing some advice and support for myself and my loved one in a current situation.

I’ve been with my partner (currently ex partner) for almost 2 years. We live together, the relationship has been absolutely perfect, we rarely argued, we enjoyed eachothers company, we had perfect boundaries in place to ensure each of us still had our independence and everything was amazing. I’ve never felt love like the way I’ve felt for him.

However, as of the last few weeks things have taken a turn for the worst. Before we split up things had been a little difficult for a couple of weeks, but these were issues that weren’t with each other, more with our surroundings. I was having issues with a horrible work situation, he’d started a new job, we’ve been having issues in our building with fire alarms going off and the electric going off for no reason, the shower door falling off and hitting him in the head etc. But nothing that we’d done to each other. It’s safe to say we’ve both been a little stressed and in that time snapped at eachother when we shouldn’t have done.

On the 23rd, we had a bunch of friends over and the electric went out, and the fire alarm went off again for no reason. When everyone left we got into what I would have considered a small argument about whether or not the maintenance man was coming the following day (stupid I know) but this argument lead to him breaking up with me out of the blue!
I honestly wish I could say it made sense.

I left that night to temporarily move back into my parents house and have been there since, im currently living out of bin bags of my clothes in my old childhood Box room. I’ve been back to the apartment and tried to speak with him calmly but he’s adamant his decision was right. This behaviour all seems incredibly self destructive, and according to his close friends he has a habit of when things start to get a little difficult he doesn’t face them, he runs away from them and self destructs whatever life he’s built.

Now, my partner has quite a dark past, he doesn’t speak to ANY of his family, his mother abandoned him as a child and his father was pretty useless, he’s also been in abusive relationships. He moved from his home city to live with me, and has built a life with me, and has become incredibly close to my family, my parents took him in as there own son.

When speaking to him, he’s saying lots of things that contradict actions he’s done, or even just words that contradict eachother. On one hand he says he’s been unhappy for a while and that I’m not what he wants, on the other he says I’m absolutely perfect, have done nothing wrong, to keep doing what I’m doing and if he felt in the right headspace he would want the relationship with me to work. He’s taken items and photos down in the apartment that resemble memories of good times as if they’re hurtful for him to look at etc.

The other night I got very annoyed and we ended up in a very heated argument as he was messaging me incredibly rudely about the situation whilst I was at work, but seconds before he’d been with my parents (who were checking up on him) laughing and joking and even hugged them goodbye. I now realise that getting annoyed was completely the wrong approach, but at the time I just saw red as i was so furious at the situation.

He says that he’s struggling with his own issues and that he needs to deal with them, but instead it appears he’s running away from them by going out drinking with friends (which is out of character for him) and not seeking any for of help. His friends say he’s got a history of running away from his issues rather than dealing with them.

When researching online, and by speaking to a friend who suffers from the condition, I’m thinking BPD is a possible explanation for his reactions and self destructive behaviour. He’s become very defensive with me, and even tried to become aggressive during the argument, and also accused me of looking at him in disgust when he tried to open up. (Which I didn’t, or if I did, it certainly was not intentional! All I want to do is help)

I’m really concerned for his well being, whether all this is a huge mistake stemming from the way he handles difficult situations within regards to his past.

I’ve got lots of people telling me to just walk away and leave him be because I don’t deserve what he has done to me, which I completely understand. And to even kick him out of my apartment so I can move back home! But on the other hand, this man has been my absolute rock and life for the last 2 years, we built a home together, we have the best bond and relationship I have ever experienced and I have never felt more in love with a person, and I know he felt (potentially still feels) the same way for me.

What kind of person would I be to just run away from him when he’s struggling like everyone else in his life has done?

I love him, I just want to help him! And myself!

How do I make him understand that it’s okay to need help? And I’m not like the people of his past! I want to love him and support him through whatever he is going through!

Does anyone have ANY suggestions? Please help!

Thank you!
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,501
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
#2
Hi Toto, :welcome: to the Forum. Would he be willing to go sit in a neutral zone at a counselors office and discuss the relationship ?? There are ghosts in his closet probably that need to be dealt with. He is probably dealing with the remnants of his past more than he is having any issue with you.
 
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Toto4611

New member
Joined
Jan 5, 2019
Messages
2
#3
I completely agree, it comes across as though he’s taking it out on me because I’m the closest person to him, and I’m thinking I’m potentially a trigger for these reactions as maybe he’s scared of being hurt by me like people in his past have done.

Around a week prior to this he was talking to his friends about how happy he is with me and how he’s found the one. So how can this just suddenly happen?

I think if I suggested counselling for the relationship he’d fight me on it? Even when I suggested counselling for himself he fought me on that too.

He’s been talking normally, and friendly with my mum though! I’m thinking maybe she should suggest something? She’s been like a mother too him the past two years, he even told her he loves her last night (completely in a motherly way, obviously)

I’m just struggling for how to approach this whole thing! I don’t want to make him run away more than he already has, but at the same time I don’t want him to think I don’t care!
 
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