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In Need Of Opinions

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NZ_Help

Member
Joined
Aug 27, 2009
Messages
5
First and foremost I would like to extend to you all my well wishes, both for now and the future.

What worries me is the current state of my mental health and my thinking that I have a condition of some sort. If you would be willing to bear with me, I will relate to you my symptoms so that you may understand and perhaps diagnose whatever I am feeling.

Over the last two years I have begun feeling a number of odd emotions, ones that make me feel very strange. First among them was a sense that most people around me viewed themselves superior. No matter what I did, I felt they spoke to me in a condescending tone and that intellectually, socially and morally, they far exceeded anything I could hope to aspire to. This sentiment was only heightened by a series of troublesome academia as part of my schooling. Eventually I began to surrender in any endevour to improve myself socially, leading to my becoming a murmuring hollow soul who could barely communicate with anyone. From there, my friends, family and teachers, in an effort to help me out of their sincere concern, no doubt tried to help the one they viewed as somewhat "fragile". I only saw their kind words and concern as them being condescending. Soon after I started taking every phrase they said to me, even the most minute of them, to be a slight or underestimation of my maturity, intelligence or understanding. When speaking to them on MSN chat rooms, I would be meticulous in my choosing of words and sentences which would make me sound sophisticated.

In the end I thought everyone, family, friends and society were looking down on me. Should they have said "Good day! Can I help you!?", I would have thought 'Oh dear, they are thinking I am immature, effete and unable to cope'. This was all compounded by a guilt I developed, one which stemmed largely from the anger I felt in my heart despite the love they showed me. Yet no matter how much I tried to appreciate what they did for me, I could never overcome this filthy ego of mine.

These anxieties, the thoughts that everyone was conspiring against me and thinking me babyish or weak, caused me to become unable to speak to anyone properly. I would barr myself in my room and come out only for meals or to greet returning family members from trips abroad. All I would do was mumble a few words here and there. I was losing weight at a quick pace as well. For someone who was once considered large, I was a shallow image of my former self. When looking in the mirror, because of the guilt I had, the dissatisfaction with my thoughts and my attitude towards my caring friends or family, as well as a general sense of not appreciating life and all I had; I saw myself as evil. Words no longer began to make sense to me. If I read a sentence I would be sure to jumble the words and never comprehend in rational terms, what I was reading. This became particularly difficult in subjects such as English Literature where abstract interpretations would not fare you well. Day in, day out, I would take solace and pleasure only in the simple things like food, a smile or a compliment. In my heart however, I wished only to have a second chance. If only I could cure my heart of this filth. If only I could feel love for others, for family. If only I could appreciate what others did for me. If only I could relax and feel close to others.

After these years of isolation and estrangement from those around me, I have come to feel barred from all people. It is as if I have lost myself and my conncection with anyone I knew. While I have regained my ability to speak and my ability to function, the emotional connection has never been regained. I am still an empty shell and not the person I was before this all began.

Your opinions would be greatly welcomed.

Regards,
NZ_Help
 
Rorschach

Rorschach

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Dec 19, 2007
Messages
1,149
Location
W2
It appears to me that there is a definite dichotomy in life. 'We' are social animals and yet most of the dicomfort in our life derives from interpersonal sources; we feel as if we need affirmation and thus we do.

Much of my own periods of illness were around this specific, are friends real friends, is the mask they present to me real or fake...bla bla bla ad infinitum...circling and spiraling thoughts ultimately leading to isolation, alienation, and psychosis. I even used drugs as some form of self medication. Now approaching 40 with 4 kids, work, and studies, I don't really have time for friends, and wouldn't you know the problems diminish. Before I would cut off from people because I doubted the basis of the relationships, and nearly always become unwell. Now I simply don't have time, and I keep thinking that it should end up with me feeling unwell, whereas actually I'm doing ok.

I guess the bottom line for me is that friends and the family that brought me up was an immature reliance. One it seems I may eventually be growing out of.
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
Your opinions would be greatly welcomed.
For me - relationships; whatever they are; with friends, parents, spouses, children; whomever - are the most important & significant areas of our lives, & lead to growth, learning, & life.

I personally think that for any one seeking genuine & lasting recovery from MH difficulties; that social interaction & the forming & maintaining of friendships is vitally important. Of course we are all different, & some suit an isolated, loner, hermit & monk existence.

Of course relationships are hard (whoever they are with) - But interaction with others, is for me one of the greatest joys in life, as well as one of the most rewarding.
 
M

Matthew1338

New member
Joined
Aug 16, 2009
Messages
4
Hi,
I recognise quite alot of this, particularly dissatisfaction with myself, projecting that feeling onto others as if they feel similarly. It's mainly because of this, I think, that I have a habit of being inarticulate around people I know moderately well but am not close to--i.e. most people I come into contact with. I feel they will be most inclined to make a negative judgement about me.
 
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