in love with older man

[Charose]

I'm new to this site. You may call me Charlette! I came here for your opinions, rather than to receive the perpetually trite responses I might find elsewhere.

I am finding myself EXTREMELY attracted to a man older than myself. I wouldn't quite consider myself obsessed(I don't stalk him) or lustful(not many teenage girls would consider him even remotely attractive) and yet I am hesitant to say I love him(1-fear of sounding cliched.2-i can't be sure he shares my feelings). So may I share my story?

I am 15 and the man is my teacher(oh, how horrible this sounds already!). He is in his early thirties, tall, rotund, powerful in disposition, constantly scowling, slightly unshaven most of the week, with black hair(starting to show hints of gray which I oddly find attractive), with gray eyes. He's married unhappily(he constantly mentions) and he has a young boy.

He treats the entire class condescendingly, and his methods are very sarcastic. He yells and is very strong with them. With me, although he still retains the same qualities, displays them completely differently! He is caring, interested, and FLIRTY (okay i said it!!). He is so sexual with me(ie his voice and expressions change for me) and every day he talks to me for about twenty minutes at the end of class.(even other students notice and joke about it)

I LOVE IT. so..got any theories? Btw, my parents=happily married, father=not overly dominant or effeminate, i've had normal relationships with other boys, other boys currently fancy me so I'm not particularly desperate YOUR OPINION IS SO VALUABLE TO ME!I CANT SHARE THIS WITH ANYONE!

 

[jamesdean]

I'm not sure about the ethics of this I can only tellyouof my experience

My form tutor was in love with me and I her in a very loving way that we enjoyed each others company and were very respestful of each other we would go to each others house out formeals in to town together.
I didnt really understand sex so we didnt do it n I guess that was the only reason why we didnt because it would get very close n where my school was extremely sexually charged allsorts of sexual realationships going on including teachers n pupils, I might ust has well of had the sex(if I had wanted to of course n had I not of been abused by a man it might just of happened though it might not of been right) because we were certainly accused of doing it.
We did go on to have a lovely friendship once she re married until she died @ a young age of only 45.

I'mnot sure how I should reply toyour post because of your age not your teachers because somepeople have teenage daughters here I thinkn they mightnot agree though I think by the sound of your persona you sound likeyou know your own body. Though once you take it a step further there is no going back, but this is all new to you but my guess its been happening forever sexual chemistry between teacher n pupil,you are both only human.

I just looked @ your age because I couldnt remeber is age because hes not that old just oledr than the lads, I suspect all thelads are up to it with the girls.
I dont think age makes any difference, so though I havent been very christian in saying not until you aremarreied but the world isnt like that any more, I hope that you do whot you think is right for you but take some caution because it proberly isnt a fairy tale romance.

 

[*Sapphire*]

Hi Charose ,

And to the forum.

In my opinion where there are occassions in life where someone is in some form of authority over another more vulnerable person, there can be a reaction on both parties where it feels like there is an attraction. This not only happens with teachers and pupils, it happens with doctors and patients, prison guards and prisoners and so on.

However if they met under other circumstances it is well known that alot of this attraction wouldn't take place.

You say that your teacher is in an unhappy marriage so he might like the attention you give him. He may be lacking it at home and looking for it elsewhere. If he is not liked by his pupils and you stand out as liking him then he may be getting some good feelings from that, flattery as it were.

With regards to yourself you are asking for an opinion on a mental health forum, so I wonder if you have an underlying issue and the attention he gives you, you feel might help with this? Perhaps you are seeking some form of approval from am adult? Perhaps having the interest from an older man gives you something that attention from younger men doesn't.

Is this love? If the above were true then sadly I don't think it is.

At 15 it is common to develop crushes which may appear like love but all to commonly sadly isn't. I'm not trying to patronise you, I talk from experience and I know at 15 that is hard to accept, because the feelings are so powerful and deep, but they are not neccessarily love.

I am not against age differences in relationships but I do feel at 15 years old, a 15 year age gap is a huge jump. This is because at 15 you still have a journey of maturity ahead of you, you will change alot. When you reach your thirties although you get a little older and wiser most of the growing up process has been done, the jump is not so huge from say 30 - 45. Does this make sense?

In the context of only knowing him at school, as a teacher in that position of authority over you, I don't think it is the basis of defining love, although I can understand you may feel that way.

Love goes so much further than that.

Also love does not define a relationship either. I have been in love once before but it was the relationship that crumbled, because although we loved each other we could not live with each other. Passion, love and chemistry is not always enough to have a positive relationship, sometimes it can actually be damaging (as in cases of domestic violence) but i'm going off the point here.

I guess you know about the laws governing teacher, pupil relationships. However much I'm tempted to I'm not going to go on about the rights and wrongs and cite the law to you. Or how older men can manipulate younger girls, because I fear that right now you would prefer not to listen, and you would reject the fact. And I'm not trying to be offensive to you by saying that, I was 15 once too.

However you do have to consider that if this was to go any further he would be risking losing his job, losing his wife (however unhappy that marriage may be), perhaps losing access to his son (with a charge of pedophilia), and perhaps going to prison.

You would risk seeing the man you feel you love going through great difficulty, and also the risk of regretting your decision to go foward with the relationship in the future if you find out that you were not really in love and possibly that he was manipulating you.

I was once told that if you love something enough set it free. Like a bird, although you may find that in it's cage in your home it's beauty and presence and company enriching, if you loved it enough you would think about it's own future and freedom, and would set it free, however much it would hurt you to do so.

In all honesty I don't think this relationship is likely to work, it is likely to bring alot of heartache to both of you. If found out you will both suffer hugely not only emotionally but from the impact of friends and families responses, and perhaps involvement from the law.

You have to ask yourself if it is worth all that?

 

[Twylight]

Hello and Welcome

 

[jamesdean]

Sapphire I dont think a 15 year oldgirl is going to understand all that you have explained you must know that @ 15 years you have such burning passions &emotions, like you have said passion and sexually chemistry isnt enough to build a relationship, we know that @ our age but I certainly couldnt of understand this until I was @least 33 years old.

I understand that you ar trying to help this girl stop making mistakes I fear that she will make them any way. I did say it proberly isnt going to be a fairy tale romance.

 

[Charose]

wow.im very impressed with your responses. Thank you. I have heard a lot about love and I feel that that may have sounded a bit dramatic. I used 'love' for lack of a better word and I suppose I may have been momentarily drunk on the power of blatantly revealing emotions. I don't think he would ever have sex with me, so you can take it easy on the law. I'm very aware of the illegality of statutory rape. I'm interested in any other ideas or thoughts you may have. Fell free to ask me questions..and thanks in advance!

 

[jamesdean]

There you are then,n I had almost accused you of having sex.
You say you dont think he wouldnt have sex with you does this mean that you have thought about the idea.

How comeyou have come to a m h forum to ask this question,have you got someme issues/condition?

My only other thoughts are may be this could be a beautiful friendship you do obviously push some buttons for each other so you have some kind of chemistry. JD

 

[cloudberry]

How comeyou have come to a m h forum to ask this question,have you got someme issues/condition?

JD

That was my thought..... why has this young woman come on a Mental Health forum to discuss her crush on her teacher???

She does seem really happy with the attention though. Both from her teacher and from replies. maybe that is the reason?

 

[Charose]

okay..feeling the need to apologize to anyone who feels I may have wasted their time with my immature post. I wanted a deeper answer than 'ewwwwww' which I would have received elsewhere...and no underlying condition by the way. The attention is appreciated for an obvious reason;i've never discussed this with anyone else. I'm serious as to what you have to say.

 

[jamesdean]

Your post wasnt immature and I think that reply is very mature and a huge compliment to this forum that you valued the fact that you would get a mature answer.
I find you to be a verymature person.
I wish you well in your future JD

 

[*Sapphire*]

Hi Charose,

I am left wondering as to what exactly you want an opinion on?
Sorry if I am not reading your posts correctly, but this has left me a bit confused? What deeper answer do you want?

Is it why you might be attracted to this man?
Is it, if it is right to be attracted to him?
Is it, if it is right that you feel he is flirting and being sexual with you?
Is it, how to cope with his perceived advances?

What is the 'obvious' reason that his attention is appreciated, because I apologise but it does not seem obvious to me?

What are your own thoughts on the above questions?

 

[cloudberry]

Yes, I thought your post was mature too, an older head on young shoulders is not uncommon.
You re right to expect that people on a MHF would be less judgemental about social mores and norms.

I have always been attracted to older men myself, even when very young. At fifteen my boyriends father used to grope me and it was risky, exciting,"naughty", dangerous; in short - utterley thrilling.

The local pub landlord also persued me, as did many older men. Now I am older I understand better that a fair few men are attracted to teenage girls. My fiancee spent almost four years in prison because a fifteen year old girl made accusations that he had persuaded/forced her to have sex with him while he gave her music lessons.

She had told him she was having sexual fantasies about him, and twice tried to get him to touch her breasts. And the fantasies turned into a fantasy journal she began to keep. A pure figment of her imagination and a product of her loneliness and isolation.
As a trained psychotherapist he understood boundaries and that she had "issues" (her two brothers had been sexually abusing her since she was 11). So gently but firmly turned her down.

He carried on with the music lessons and listening to her pour her heart out about the abuse at home. He was her confidante. He should have protected himself, seen the danger. But he didnt.

She was spurned, felt rejected by him, and showed the journal to her mother.

Her word against his in court. She was believed. Witnesses who could attest to her well-being before and after the music sessions (conducted in a public building) faded away when it came to standing up in court in his defence. That the family was having family therapy was not allowed as evidence in his defence (confidentiality). Nor could he mention that she had disclosed the family abuse to him (confidentiality again, though the judge knew and directed the jury, but couldnt say why).

Ruined his career, his life, his relationship with his wife. She was a health visitor and couldnt risk supporting a potential "pedophile". No one would support him, except his close family and friends.

As a (now retired) psychotherapist, and a practicing Roman Catholic, he has forgiven her. She projected what was going on at home onto him. As he was also giving her some councelling (at the request of her parents who thought she was going "off the rails") he understands that she saw him as a safe haven to pour out her misery to and get much needed one-to-one attention from. But when spurned, her anger (about the abuse from her brothers) came out and was directed at him. he was an easy target. Directing it at her brothers would have ruined her whole family.

He is banned for life to give therapy or teach anything. He was a brilliant teacher, one of his good friends did her councelling course with him at the Uni where he used to teach. He used to love teaching music. He used to work in therapy with drug dependency, another loss to the community.

I love him, he is wonderful, honest, kind, understanding, wise, patient, talented. We got engaged in June. Luckily i dont have kids so we dont need the intervention of the Social Services to keep our relationship. But the police have been and done their home visit and interview me at my house. He is not allowed to travel abroad until 2012 while he is on license still.

To study a French language adult ed. course at the Uni where he used to lecture he had to undergo a Risk Assessment, involving a letter from his probation officer stating he was not considered to be a risk.

One day the young ladys concience may prick her. One day. Or maybe not. Who knows?

You may wonder why I tell you this, I tell you as a cautionary tale.

I too wish you luck, and wish you well. You may find, like me, that you are always attracted to older men, even ones that are not that attractive. Attraction is a chemical thing, not so much visual with some people. Me? I like voices, I dont care what someone looks like if I like their voice! And hands, nice hands are a fascination to me.

The ins and outs of attraction are a mystery. A beautiful and fascinating mystery.

Be careful, keep safe.

cloudberry

 

[jamesdean]

Thank you cloudberry for sharing all that not only to this girl but openly on this forum,I for one have read your posts and didnt know your mans back ground because you have said little bits,hemust of been to hell n back because of that girl, this must be a huge relief foryou to write all this.

It is very interesting to hear you say a lot of older men likeyounger girls, my bf likes older guys where has I like younger guys though younger stops @ age 25/30, I'm 6 years older than my bf,I have a girl friend that prefres an older man,I guess we are all different.

A voice like you can melt me I can giveyou two examples though I best not write their names from the media..

 

[*Sapphire*]

Thank you for being so open and sharing that cloudberry

 

[cloudberry]

Thanks JD & Sapphire for listening.

Yes he has been to hell and back. Initially he was in a high security prison, later in an open prison it was better. A year after his release he was suffering PTSD about it as we formed our relationship.

He developed diabetes while in prison which went untreated. He was isolated in cells not used anymore (since IRA days) and all letters etc with-held until he stopped saying he was innocent. No phone calls, no excercise, no mixing, just total isolation until he would say he was guilty. He held out for just over two weeks.

We are friends with another guy who he was inside with. A gay guy. Another cautionary tale is associated with his conviction. I will post it up as new thread "Beware Second Hand Hard Drives".

Hope everyone here has a good day today.