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In love with a friend... am I hurting myself?



Well-known member
Nov 12, 2008
Paris suburbs, France
I spent the last 9 month being deeply depressed because of my mom's mental health issues. I can't bear her for the last 5 years so I saw 3 psychologists in order to get help. One of the things I never bore was the fact she was still thinking of me as a 5 years-old child, even after I was 18. I stopped seeing her in march and then a lot of symptoms appeared at college, like apetite and work motivation loss, depression on every night, etc.
I always associed these symptoms to depression 'til one day after my classes about 2 months ago, I went to a shop with one of my closest friends to get transparents for our English class presentation. We found the store "exceptionally closed today". This is when I looked at her and was really tempted to kiss her on the mouth. I'm 20 and never had a relationship with a girl, because I never thought of being with a girl. Of course, I had fantasies, etc, but this was the 1st time I felt something like this. I told her goodbye and we came back to our homes.
On my way back home, I thought of this "kiss fantasy" and while I was asking myself why I thought about kissing one of my closest friends, I realised that some symptoms like appetite loss only happened whenever I was spending time with my friends and that she was there and so, weren't depression symptoms but "love sickness". I thought of it for over a week and I finally dared to ask her out. She told me she was sorry but that she always saw me as nothing more than a good friend. I thanked her because I sincerely thought it was the best service a friend could give you (this was the 1st time I dared asking a girl out) She has been somehow distant for the half of the week after and now, we're acting like if nothing happened. After that, I've been trying to date a girl one of my best friends introduced me and never thought of my classmate again. But that girl played with my feelings and let me down the day before we had a date, pretending she already had a boyfriend (we explicitely talked about being together before she accepted a date with me).

It's been over a week from now and I began to think of my classmate as a girlfriend again and the "kiss fantasies" are back. Now, I'm wondering whether if I should not try to see her as less as possible not to hurt myself.
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I think that when we're feeling vulnerable and alone it's remarkably easy to look at a friend and think that if we were with them then life would be okay. I don't think there's many people who haven't looked at a friend that way at some time or another. Most people recognize that it's a sort of way your head comforts itself. It's safe and simple and it's a friend. Those feelings don't often become a reality.

You've have a bad time lately and you're looking for someone to comfort you. Let your friend do that but purely as a friend. As for the other girl - I've read that thread and she's just not wasting another thought on.
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