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In Crisis and Want to Self Harm

CharlotteAnne

CharlotteAnne

Active member
Joined
Dec 28, 2020
Messages
44
Location
Lost
Really want to self harm. I can't stop crying right now. 3 months ago I broke my knee at work and had knee surgery. I've got 9 pins/screws in my knee, and a steel plate. I still us a walker, and soon will be learning how to use crutches. I have home care right now, but the person who coordinates that just gave me my schedule for this week, and I only have home care for 4 days. She said next week they will be ending my home care. BUT I'm not allowed to shower by myself yet. There is a bench in my bathtub, but part of it is outside my tub and I have to scooch backward on the bench, and then carefully lift my leg up and over the the tub to get in. I have an extendable shower head, and have to wash myself sitting down. I live in an apartment building, and there is no way in hell I can take out my garbage and recycling to the dumpsters, never mind lift up those heavy lids. I am so tired of the fight that it is to regain full function of my knee, on top of dealing with my mental health (bipolar disorder, BPD, PTSD). I'm tired of fighting, period. I just want to give up. Or wake up to a miracle of a fully healed knee. My surgeon thinks I can be back at work in 6 weeks. I work in daycare, and all the sitting, kneeling, squatting that is required in working with toddlers - I am having a hard time seeing how I will be ready in 6 weeks. Wish I'd never broken my damn knee.
 
W

wednesday addams

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 20, 2021
Messages
806
Location
USA
Really want to self harm. I can't stop crying right now. 3 months ago I broke my knee at work and had knee surgery. I've got 9 pins/screws in my knee, and a steel plate. I still us a walker, and soon will be learning how to use crutches. I have home care right now, but the person who coordinates that just gave me my schedule for this week, and I only have home care for 4 days. She said next week they will be ending my home care. BUT I'm not allowed to shower by myself yet. There is a bench in my bathtub, but part of it is outside my tub and I have to scooch backward on the bench, and then carefully lift my leg up and over the the tub to get in. I have an extendable shower head, and have to wash myself sitting down. I live in an apartment building, and there is no way in hell I can take out my garbage and recycling to the dumpsters, never mind lift up those heavy lids. I am so tired of the fight that it is to regain full function of my knee, on top of dealing with my mental health (bipolar disorder, BPD, PTSD). I'm tired of fighting, period. I just want to give up. Or wake up to a miracle of a fully healed knee. My surgeon thinks I can be back at work in 6 weeks. I work in daycare, and all the sitting, kneeling, squatting that is required in working with toddlers - I am having a hard time seeing how I will be ready in 6 weeks. Wish I'd never broken my damn knee.
Thats terrible is there anyone who can help with chores, etc. It sounds like you need help longer than 4 days. I hope you can get the help you need. This doesn't seem right.🌸
 
CharlotteAnne

CharlotteAnne

Active member
Joined
Dec 28, 2020
Messages
44
Location
Lost
I texted the coordinator back and told her what my situation is still, and she re-did my home care schedule, thankfully. It's just this constant struggle of all the things you take for granted until something like this happens. Some of the home care people (actually all of them) think that it's ok to negotiate with me and change the time they come, or they just don't show up at all. It's been so frustrating. All the things that I can't do by myself, and for 2 months I couldn't even get on the bench in my bathtub, so I had to put up with sponge baths done by strangers. One of them thought it was fine to wash my butt crack and then use the same cloth to wash my front genital area!!! WTF?!?!? Also, I couldn't even go anywhere, because for 8 weeks I was in a brace that kept my knee from bending. Stuck inside my little apartment, dealing with crap from home care, completely losing my independence, not being able to go for nature walks anymore - it's all taken a toll on my mental health. Some days I just want to give up. Sometimes I just get so angry that having chronic mental illness isn't enough. I was already at breaking point with my MH, and then I went and broke my knee. Forgive me for whining, but I'm just going to say that it really isn't fair.
 
W

wednesday addams

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 20, 2021
Messages
806
Location
USA
I texted the coordinator back and told her what my situation is still, and she re-did my home care schedule, thankfully. It's just this constant struggle of all the things you take for granted until something like this happens. Some of the home care people (actually all of them) think that it's ok to negotiate with me and change the time they come, or they just don't show up at all. It's been so frustrating. All the things that I can't do by myself, and for 2 months I couldn't even get on the bench in my bathtub, so I had to put up with sponge baths done by strangers. One of them thought it was fine to wash my butt crack and then use the same cloth to wash my front genital area!!! WTF?!?!? Also, I couldn't even go anywhere, because for 8 weeks I was in a brace that kept my knee from bending. Stuck inside my little apartment, dealing with crap from home care, completely losing my independence, not being able to go for nature walks anymore - it's all taken a toll on my mental health. Some days I just want to give up. Sometimes I just get so angry that having chronic mental illness isn't enough. I was already at breaking point with my MH, and then I went and broke my knee. Forgive me for whining, but I'm just going to say that it really isn't fair.
Im sure it's awful, your knee will take time to heal. I know it's hard try to think about when it does. You can than get back to your routine and life will look better.❤️
 
Contramike

Contramike

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2010
Messages
549
Location
Colorado
I don't think you're whining at all. You have more than a few legitimate reasons for venting. It's gonna sound weird, but I think you're handling this well. I don't know where I would even start if I were in your position. You're a fighter. You haven't given up and you're not going to. What you need is some relief. A rest. An escape for even a little bit of time.
 
CharlotteAnne

CharlotteAnne

Active member
Joined
Dec 28, 2020
Messages
44
Location
Lost
I don't think you're whining at all. You have more than a few legitimate reasons for venting. It's gonna sound weird, but I think you're handling this well. I don't know where I would even start if I were in your position. You're a fighter. You haven't given up and you're not going to. What you need is some relief. A rest. An escape for even a little bit of time.
I don't know if I am handling it all that well. Last night I'm sure people in my apartment building heard me screaming, "You can't take my home care away from me you fucking bitch" over and over again.
 

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