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In a tough spot. don't know how to move forward and i need advice.

J

JohnKreeeg123

Member
Joined
Mar 5, 2021
Messages
11
Location
England
So basically I have a friend who is autistic and he basically broke my trust once before and now i can't trust him again or i struggle to trust him anyway. I can tell when he's being fake and it usually is true but then other times i find out he isn't being fake which makes the whole trust thing even more confusing. i have a 'self-worth' problem. i constantly overthink mistakes, struggle to be fulfilled with who i am and what i can do, i try too hard to seek validation and i think some people are superior to me who i should be impressing and some people who are inferior to me who i look down on. my friend is the latter. i think I'm better than him because of his lack of social skills and that he won't be successful socially so when he does talk to a good-looking girl or something i get jealous because of the fact that I am just insecure about my own self. Im not comfortable in my skin and that translates to a superiority complex among other problems. before you go off on me, i realise how bad this is. trust me. and to understand the whole situation with how i don't trust him i urge you to read my previous post where i went over my side of the story. the thing thats causing me OCD is I don't know if I am trying to fix my sense of self worth because of selfish reasons (eg: wanting acceptance from society, changing myself for my future mate so she doesn't leave me, shame if i don't find my self worth because then I'd be hurting people and i knowingly don't do anything about it because i don't think its that big a deal and how society would judge me if they knew) or because I genuinely want to be a better person. the thing is if i stop trying to fix my sense of self worth because of the fear that its due to selfish reasons then i start thinking about how it actually could be a problem and hurtful to others which makes me want to fix it. but i don't know if this is just a way for me to subconsciously achieve my selfish goals or if its actually me being genuinely concerned for the feelings of others. Please give me advice. I don't know what to do. I can't seek therapy btw which is why im asking for help online.
 
J

JohnKreeeg123

Member
Joined
Mar 5, 2021
Messages
11
Location
England
So basically I have a friend who is autistic and he basically broke my trust once before and now i can't trust him again or i struggle to trust him anyway. I can tell when he's being fake and it usually is true but then other times i find out he isn't being fake which makes the whole trust thing even more confusing. i have a 'self-worth' problem. i constantly overthink mistakes, struggle to be fulfilled with who i am and what i can do, i try too hard to seek validation and i think some people are superior to me who i should be impressing and some people who are inferior to me who i look down on. my friend is the latter. i think I'm better than him because of his lack of social skills and that he won't be successful socially so when he does talk to a good-looking girl or something i get jealous because of the fact that I am just insecure about my own self. Im not comfortable in my skin and that translates to a superiority complex among other problems. before you go off on me, i realise how bad this is. trust me. and to understand the whole situation with how i don't trust him i urge you to read my previous post where i went over my side of the story. the thing thats causing me OCD is I don't know if I am trying to fix my sense of self worth because of selfish reasons (eg: wanting acceptance from society, changing myself for my future mate so she doesn't leave me, shame if i don't find my self worth because then I'd be hurting people and i knowingly don't do anything about it because i don't think its that big a deal and how society would judge me if they knew) or because I genuinely want to be a better person. the thing is if i stop trying to fix my sense of self worth because of the fear that its due to selfish reasons then i start thinking about how it actually could be a problem and hurtful to others which makes me want to fix it. but i don't know if this is just a way for me to subconsciously achieve my selfish goals or if its actually me being genuinely concerned for the feelings of others. Please give me advice. I don't know what to do. I can't seek therapy btw which is why im asking for help online.
OP here. i should also mention that to me it seems that my selfish goals come first and that my feeling of how others could be affected come after even though i genuinely care about the effects it could have on others. I know, absolutely selfish. Im actually surprised with how selfish I am now that I've written my thoughts down. but regardless, I need advice. Please please please give me advice. Should i try to find my self-worth even if its for selfish reasons? Is that even possible?
 
soul searching

soul searching

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 5, 2020
Messages
989
Location
Clearwater, Florida
Try not to look at others for validation. You must examine yourself and see if you have the qualities that you believe are important. If not, work towards them. Also, try not to compare yourself to others so much. Your opinion of yourself is the important one. What qualities are important to you? Maybe being trustworthy and kind?
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
1,928
Location
Southern USA
It's okay to be selfish and to strive to be the best person you can be for all the reasons you mentioned.
I think you are awesome to want to work on yourself!
 
J

JohnKreeeg123

Member
Joined
Mar 5, 2021
Messages
11
Location
England
It's okay to be selfish and to strive to be the best person you can be for all the reasons you mentioned.
I think you are awesome to want to work on yourself!
thank you i appreciate it. i just don't know if im doing it because i actually wanna be a better person or because i want to seek acceptance which i think is a shallow and selfish reason. i think its probably a bit of both but the seeking acceptance part is the more predominant reason which still makes me selfish regardless.
 
J

JohnKreeeg123

Member
Joined
Mar 5, 2021
Messages
11
Location
England
Try not to look at others for validation. You must examine yourself and see if you have the qualities that you believe are important. If not, work towards them. Also, try not to compare yourself to others so much. Your opinion of yourself is the important one. What qualities are important to you? Maybe being trustworthy and kind?
idk if the reason for me wanting to be a better person comes from a selfish place or a genuine place. i think its both although the selfish reasoning is more predominant it seems. what i want to work on is how i can put others before my own needs but again, i dont know if this is selfish or not. Im so confused right now i have no idea if what im doing is right or wrong
 
soul searching

soul searching

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 5, 2020
Messages
989
Location
Clearwater, Florida
It is normal and healthy to want to learn and become a better person. You don't have to put others ahead of yourself. Just pause yourself and lend a hand. Helping others will also give your brain a rest and make you feel well mentally.
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
1,928
Location
Southern USA
to me "selfish" means to take care of self. I feel you are far from arrogant and you must be in a healthy, balanced headspace to put someone ahead of you, to help them.
To lend a hand as @soul searching succinctly said.
Again,
You are an awesome and special person.
 
BoutonLune

BoutonLune

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 10, 2021
Messages
1,371
Location
.
You have to look after yourself first in order to be healthy enough to look after others. Sounds maybe corny, something you might read on a sticker IDK, but it is true.

Most peoples reasons for wanting to improve or achieve something is at least partially selfish (if you want to use that word, personally I wouldn't apply it in this context). The difference for you I guess is that you are ultra aware of this. A lot of people don't recognise that.

The point I see in your post is that you want to fix your self worth. And you want this for your own benefit as this will then be beneficial (or in your words make you a better person) to those around you. That sounds like a good goal to me. Why does it matter if it is for yourself or others first? Ultimately it will be good for everyone.

A truly selfless person, does such a thing exist? And should it anyway 🤔

IMO your goal itself is not a selfish one anyway. Just because it will make you feel better too, does not make it selfish.

Hopefully when you get more self worth you will not question your motives of self improvement to such a high degree in the future. And will see that you are as equal as others in your life and that you deserve to do things that help you.

We all have an ego. Some a lot smaller than others, but I have never met anyone who does not have one. I have met plenty who think they don't, but I just don't believe that. So there will always be some element of what we want to portray to society with our actions. Even sometimes humility partially comes from ego. Wanting to portray and show our caring side to society. This is natural/normal and part of being human.

Just my thoughts and opinion 🙂
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,095
Location
Nashua NH
I think you are overthinking things and in this way putting a whole lot or energy into thinking that leads nowhere. Instead why not get to improving your self worth? It sounds like you would benefit from this but so would everyone else. xo, j
 
D

dansell123

Member
Joined
Mar 25, 2021
Messages
12
Location
Westport
If you want to change selfish behavior, then you have to change your sense of self. There are so many ways to identify oneself--the key is that you choose the ones that are most healthy. Rather than thinking of oneself as superior or inferior, identify with good qualities that have nothing to do with that spectrum. You can develop the identity of being a good friend, a good son, a good partner. You could develop the identity of being a generous person, etc. Even if you feel you lack these qualities, the first step towards cultivating them is by choosing the right identity.
 
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