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Impulsive internal voice answers with constant, methodical negativity



New member
Jul 31, 2018
Maybe someone has experienced something similar and can offer some helpful tips to counteract. I always had school and sports growing up so what I'm now experiencing didn't seem to manifest as a severe problem until recently. In the past few years and very specifically, in the past 2 months, I have been feeling myself circling the metaphorical drain.

I'm not suicidal, or I hadn't ever seen myself as potentially suicidal - I feel I've always been and try to continue to be a cheerful person. But I have found myself making methodical plans and lists of what I would need to accomplish before killing myself. The reason being that I'm not really happy anymore, though I have moments where I achieve it temporarily. Not that I don't believe that I have things to live for - successfully independent with a (stressful, non-rewarding) career, loving pet, considerate and supportive S.O. Plenty of hobbies and friends and family that make it clear that they care for me. However, I do feel isolated being that my S.O. is long distance and my family lives 4.5 hr drive from me.

This plan-making (almost fantasizing or daydreaming) is something that only previously manifested in a non-specific "I-want-to-disappear-from-existence" vibe, such as thinking about selling off my belongings and detaching from all social circles, floating around noncommittally in a vague idea of being unseen, unknown, unconsidered - clearly not suicidal.

However, early June of this year I had a really strong depressive period around the time I was menstruating. During this time, I completely lost interest in the show I was excited about, came home from work on a Friday and did nothing but cry and sit on the couch. Then, I took out a piece of paper and wrote on it things I would have to do before I could allow myself to die - not just disappear - (i.e. pay off my debt, rehome my pet, sell or donate my belongings, etc.) I googled a lot of things, like "least painful way to commit suicide" and "loose ends to tie up before dying." I wrote all of this down on a paper, titled "STEPS TO SIMPLIFY" and put it up on my fridge behind a magnetized notepad.

All of this so far, is something I know I should not do, but I could not resist. All of this is something that I know I should tell someone, but I don't. I have this voice in my head that tells me all the time, "You're just doing this for attention." If I tell someone - the voice says - then that's vindication that I'm right. Just too bored with life and trying to stir up drama (which is dumb, because I hate drama.)

Well I left the list on my fridge and tried not to think about it, and I think it's getting better. Only, now I hear that little voice A LOT more than I used to. Especially when someone is talking to me about making plans (which always make me anxious anyway). When they ask me, "do you want to do this next summer?" my impulsive thought answers, "it doesn't matter because I won't be around." Of course I don't say this, I come up with an answer that is true but one that I know they'll hear, like "that sounds like it would be fun." I don't want to lie to anyone. Lately, my S.O. catches me lost in thought and will ask me what I'm thinking. I can't tell him nothing, he's not an idiot - I've taken to saying "I don't want to say it out loud" because it is usually a variation of negative internal voice I've described above, making plans for me in my head that I don't want to hear. It's like having another person in my head that sounds just like me, but saying things I don't want to hear or believe.

I thought about seeking out therapy, but doubt that I can afford more than a single session. I finally broke down and told my S.O. about everything tonight, about how the list and the internal voice and the anxiety, and how I felt so ashamed because I had no reason to be thinking these things. I tried to approach it logically, trying to eat better and exercise more - but it's really hard to get the motivation to cook or get the energy to go exercise when I feel exhausted all the time from fending off the negativity, and (if I'm perfectly honest) how much my job drains from me.

Anyone can help with manageable tips to please get rid of the thoughts in my head, the impulsive negative knee-jerk reactions that I don't want to have anymore? Steps I can take to counteract them, maybe trick myself into getting some motivation to exercise more? I occasionally get to the pool to swim but maybe once a week at most only.

Suggestions/tips/how you may have dealt with something similar are much appreciated. I don't have much experience with this, though I know it's likely some chemical imbalance from lack of exercise, socialization, physical contact, and from high volume of work-related stress, and hormones from menstruation making it flare up. I have tried analyzing my problem from a logical POV and realize that external sources of information maybe highly beneficial.

Thank you for reading and for any responses I may receive.
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Jun 13, 2015
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Hi antilles, :welcome: to the Forum. I have a small perfume bottle filled with the most toxic plant seeds in all of the Caribbean. I have it in my medicine cabinet right next to the natural thyroid pills. I keep them in case some day I get a horrible disease and don't want to go through the mainstream medicine horrible treatments.

You're making lists of doing important stuff like re-homing your pet. That isn't way off in a potential future that may never come, like mine. That's like actively planning a vacation.

Have you had your hormones checked ??