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important -- friend needs help but won't accept it



New member
Jan 24, 2009
I have a problem -- I have two friends who happen to be roommates: "Emily" and "Kait". They've been best friends since elementary school, and I rarely saw one without the other until recently. Now, Kait is so depressed that it's affecting Emily, and she's turned to me to help her. I've suffered through depression, so I know the signs. What I've written here is a combination of what I've witnessed and what Emily has told me.

Kait is currently in a long-distance relationship with her boyfriend Jeremy. He refused to go to the college that she went to, and vice versa. He wants to go to the naval academy. It was bad between semesters, because they could only see each other on weekends and Kait was all lonely. Now that we're back at school, they only can talk over the phone, and they can't even do that very often because their schedules conflict.

Kait talks obsessively about Jeremy and how much she misses him. She doesn't want to do anything anymore. She mopes around in her room. When Emily and Kait do go out to wherever, Kait is very competitive with Emily; trying to control conversations, fishing for compliments. She's pushing everyone away.

There are more details, but the point is, Emily is a very cheerful person, and she can't be around people like that. Emily has said all of this to Kait, and it's escalated to the point that the two have started fighting, and Emily wants to move out. I'm a lot closer to Emily than Kait, so I've mainly been there for Emily when she needs an escape, but I'm also Kait's friend. She needs help, but won't admit it to herself. Emily has tried encouraging Kait to take advantage of the counseling services that the school offers, but Kait refuses any help of any kind. I've offered to help talk to Kait, but Emily is afraid that if we both talk to her she'll feel intimidated and threatened, or even betrayed because Emily told somebody else about the situation.

Having gone through depression myself, it really hurts me to see Kait depressed, and even more to see it affecting Emily. They haven't told anyone else really, and I honestly think that Emily and I (or somebody else, not necessarily me) should just have an honest, open, friendly, helpful talk with Kait. Emily is reluctant to do so.

Emily is about ready to cut her losses and move out, but Kait needs her support now more than ever. Can anyone help? How can I get Kait to accept help from somebody? If I can't, what should I do?


sorry to hear about your predicament. thing is you cannot make someone seek help, they have to want it themselves, and sometimes even though you can see what might happen it is a process she needs to go through herself.
However, I think the main thing is to be honest with her and let her know how her behaviour is making you feel but that you are there for her as a friend when she needs it.
she obvioiusly misses her bf and is taking it out on the people closes to her, Emily should not take it so personally and make her mind up about what she want to feel about kait,
attitudes do change as you get older too and some develop an over confident or pushy behaviour pattern to either hide something or to reassure themselves.

i think in this case honesty is the best policy, or you will end up treading on eggshells around each other.
You could also see the counsellor to see how best to help your friend.
sorry could not help more

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