I feel rage and anger and I lash out at the people I love. And then I burst into tears because I hurt so much inside. Both emotions are going on at the same time. I just want to eliminate both feelings because they both are too toxic for me to handle.
Have you been to see your doctor?
I had similar episodes, mainly towards my wife who I love more than anyone - only reason I get annoyed with her is because she's so close to me all the time. When it happens I get a sense of confusion, anger, feel worthless etc. Then I feel terrible about it all afterwards.
The doc put me on medication and it's got much better since.
Please go and speak to somebody
Doctors can't help me through this... its not an antidepressant or therapy sort of fix. Its a fundamental belief that there really is no hope or faith that my life could be better and I could be happier. The cause is deep routed... childhood trauma and emotional neglect...but I've never regained hope. I've done the meds approach, but its not a chemical thing, its a hard wired mind thing.
I try to distract myself when I feel the rage or pain come on... but it often doesn't work. My mind tends to ruminate a lot and I try very hard to "fix" my head by thinking. As you can imagine it doesn't work.
I wish there was a magical control-alt-delete command I could do on my brain and just reset it to the default level and not the level it is currently at. But short of a frontal lobotomy, no one has found a way. So I continue to struggle on.