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I'm unhappy with myself

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SoulOfABird

Member
Joined
Sep 17, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Los Angeles
Hi I have been wanting to let this out for a while, and I don’t where else to get help except by coming on here. This might be quite long I’d like to warn in advance, so I appreciate anyone who is willing to read this, thank you.

Lately I have been feeling really bad about myself and I don’t know what to do about it. I feel like Ive been waiting and waiting for things to fall into place or get better, but my problems are constantly in the back of my mind. I have started to really resent myself. I hope I can explain myself in way others can understand. I don’t know where else to seek help. Everytime I try to get help, I feel like I am judged or that the advice I get doesn’t really help.

Im starting to feel like I don’t know myself. Im losing touch with myself and everything these days feels like a fog to me.

I think I should start by mentioning that I have suffered from depression back when I was a Junior in high school. I didn’t see it coming. I had to drop out of school for a month because my depression was that crippling. I couldn’t do anything all day. No matter what I did I was unhappy. I googled my symptoms and turns out OCD related greatly to what was going on with me. I started to taking antidepressants for it after finally being diagnosed with OCD. My depression came in the winter of 2013, and it wasn’t til 2015 that I started taking anti depressants. Unwanted thoughts plagued and have plagued me ever since, that make me doubt my identity and almost everything that I hold dear to me.

Since I started taking the anti depressants (zoloft) I have felt a great decrease in my anxiety. Ever since my depression I have had to learn to somewhat numb or suppress myself to protect myself from getting hurt again. I didn’t want to fully experience happiness because I was afraid depression would come back and it hurts falling from happiness more than falling from indifference, which was my thought process. I thought, if I don’t allow myself to get too happy or expect too much from life, I won’t be hurt. So it’s help somewhat suppress my emotions so in turn my unwanted thoughts kind of reduced, or better yet had less effect on my emotions which help to keep them from coming back constantly, because of an indifference there. Of course unwanted thoughts still bothered me, but I didn’t feel the same amount of anxiety I once did. Im not sure if it’s because of the zoloft, or the my frame of mind, or maybe both. I don’t know.



Anyways so OCD still affects me, but not as strongly as before. Lately, I have been dealing with something that has really been bugging me lately and I don’t know what to do about it. I feel lost. I feel scared of not being empathetic or having feelings. I have felt that way for a while now, especially now because my emotions have been so-so for a few years, it’s like Ive been so consumed with myself and keeping myself from going back into depression, I have lost touch.

For a while I have been into astrology, reading my natal chart. If you guys aren’t aware of astrology birth charts, it’s astrology that goes way more in depth into your personality, you need to know your birthplace, date, and time to access it. I have seemed to attach myself way too much to the meaning of my chart, and what it says about me, that whenever my chart says something about me that is bad, even if I don’t relate to it, I start to worry it’s true, and if I assure myself it isn’t but I can’t help but wonder if it is really me but I don’t realize it. I greatly identified with my sun sign, before I even knew about birth charts, I was believed in astrology because I could completely relate to my sign. When I discovered my birth chart I learned about the moon sign. The moon sign in astrology is almost basically said to be your true self, your emotions, and soul. I discovered my moon sign was the most emotionally detached sign the moon could be in. I was a bit lost, because I didn’t feel I related to it. And I was a bit upset to find that it was said I am emotionally detached. Because I didn’t like what my birthchart said I tried to assure myself that it doesn’t mean it’s true. Astrology isn’t proven, but I can’t help but believe it. Ever since I kind have not seen myself the same way. I now have found myself wondering if I really am emotionally cold.

I tried to look back at myself and my emotions to assure myself that I have lots of empathy. When I was younger, I remember feeling more sensitive. More specifically to people weaker or outcasted. I remember watching the movie Radio about a boy who was I think autistic? Some type of special needs, I can’t remember what, and crying throughout the whole movie on how they treated him. I watched another movie The Boy In The Stripped Pajamas, there was a scene where a Jewish old man was beaten to death by a German man. I was so sad after watching that, I thought about for days. I hated seeing animals get hurt. I cared a lot about may grandma, who take care of me, I always wanted to do things for her. I didn’t like when kids in my school made fun of others, and I always found it hard to say no to people. When I watched sad movies I would ask my grandma if it was real, to assure myself that it wasn’t. I would cry myself to sleep thinking about things, like animals being slaughtered, it bothered me and made me sad. I knew I desired to help others in need. Especially those other neglected. But I was too terribly shy to approach anyone. I was also terribly shy to express my emotions in front of people. Which led others to think I was a bit “stoic” because I’d cry when others weren’t around. I didn’t want others to see my vulnerabilities. My sister on the other hand was very open about her emotions, so people would see me as the unemotional one and my sister as the sensitive and emotional one. At the time I didn’t think much of it, I thought they were wrong but it didn’t bug me. In fact I kind of liked people thinking that way about me because I thought it was cool to appear emotionally strong. But things got more sticky as time went on, when people didn’t treat me as sensitively because they thought I was the strong one. And I come to realize that I was tired of being afraid to open up to people and wanted to be a person someone can turn to for help. I didn’t know that I didn’t know who I was until I discovered my natal chart. It was as though, there were some truths, but then there were some that didn’t resonate with what I felt about myself. But then I thought maybe I am emotionally detached and Ive been that way all along? I truly don’t want to be that way. I don’t want to be a person that can’t feel others emotions. I don’t want to be selfish or careless. But lately, it’s like I can’t feel the same way I did as a young girl, and I don’t know why. It really bothers me. I feel disconnected. I want to feel, but because of what my moon sign says about me, I wonder if these emotions were fake or superficial all along. It’s like I can’t feel the same way I did when I was younger and now it bothers me. I feel egotistical.

Another deeper issue has occurred, where I was happy to hear about my sun sign, being able to be that person brought me happiness, but my moon sign is cold. So what’s the real me? Astrology says it’s my moon sign. And the sun sign is the ego. So maybe this whole time my emotions were selfish and just my ego? Not my true self. Im worried that Im growing into my moon sign. I don’t want to be like the way my moon sign is described.

Im an idealistic person, I have always like to daydream about me being this person I wish to be. Ever since I was little I had an affinity to music. I would daydream while listening to music, and in my daydreams and was what I wished to be. Ive done since I was like 4 or 5 and still do it now, at 22 years old. I thought I’d grow out of it lol. But in my dreams, Im a music artist who makes all these hit songs, and my personality is what I wish it to be. Im like my perfect person, who I aspire to be.

However, I think I daydream as an outlet for me to be happy because I could be whatever I want, but I know it’s not reality. But why do I only daydream about myself? It’s so selfish.

All my actions I overanalyze and wonder if Im being selfish and only really want to be empathetic and care for other to pacify my own ego. I hate it. I really wish to understand everyone, and even though I believe myself to once be, my emotions have become stagnant. Ive become so conscious of who I am, that when faced with emotional situations I don’t know how to react anymore. I worry so much about being disconnected that is has led me to feel like if I feel for someone it is superficial. That Im only doing it for my own ego. I feel greatly bother by it. My mind is conflicting. I want to feel for everyone and understand everyone, but I keep hearing voices in my head telling me it’s not real, I’m selfish, or it isn’t genuine because Im only doing it to pacify my ego. I don’t what to believe and I can’t explain myself to anyone with them understanding. I sound awful. I can’t feel in the same way I used to and Im afraid I just have to deal with it. The fact that I just have to be cold and distance myself from everyone, so I don’t have to deal with this anymore. I feel like disappearing. I wish I could be all the things Im not. Im too conscious of my identity that everything feels superficial. And I feel like Im living in a fog, or like nothing is real. Im not the person I wish to be or once was. And according to my astrology, I don’t have the tender heart I wish to have, because it is in my destiny. I have lately been trying avoid sad stories or movies, to keep myself from having doubt and checking if my emotions are real. Emotions shouldn’t have to be checked, or conscious. So it’s not even like I can strive to be who I wish because I feel like it’s not genuine if it doesn’t come naturally. I didn’t used to be like this, but it seems like things will never be the same and Im hurt by it. I really am sorry I can’t be that person. To everyone in need of help. I just don’t want to help in an in-genuine way. So I’d rather avoid it at all costs if Im not sure if my feelings are sincere. Im not sure if I have emotional blunting because of zoloft, or because Im growing to be this person. All I know is I don’t like it and I don’t know what to do about it. Just disappear? Not care anymore but don’t be happy anymore to grant myself punishment for not being the person I wish I was to other people. I can’t do much about it. If I can’t feel the way I used to, I might as well just suck it up. That’s what people tend to tell me. “Oh just except yourself for who you are. It’s okay to be cold or unemotional!” Thanks if it’s meant to help, but that doesn’t help me. Because I don’t want to be that way. I just want to disappear, maybe in my next life I won’t be selfish and I can be empathetic to everyone. Until then it must be my fate to live life going through the motions only because I have to live. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I really am cold, and I can’t keep trying to receive validation, because people don’t really sympathize with me. I know I am difficult to understand. But I really just wanted to vent this. Because I just cried now because I finally come to the realization that I can’t be who I wish to be. Im very troubled, but what can I do? Can anyone console me without the same old ‘just accept it’? Can anyone make me feel better? Because Im losing hope. Im tired of trying to delude myself with things will get better. I must face reality. It doesn’t work.
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
278
Location
On The Train
I think based on what you wrote that are very caring. You want to help everyone but that is not possible. It seems like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Maybe your ideal self is saving the whole world and everyone in it? That is too much for one person. It's ok to think about yourself too. I think you should spend some time doing "self care". Do something nice for yourself too. :hug:
 
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SoulOfABird

Member
Joined
Sep 17, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Los Angeles
I think based on what you wrote that are very caring. You want to help everyone but that is not possible. It seems like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Maybe your ideal self is saving the whole world and everyone in it? That is too much for one person. It's ok to think about yourself too. I think you should spend some time doing "self care". Do something nice for yourself too. :hug:
Thank you :rolleyes::hug: you are so kind. I really appreciate your reply. What kind of things do people usually do for self care?
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
278
Location
On The Train
Spend time on yourself, what do you like to do? Go see a movie by yourself, get a massage, a manicure, pedicure, play video games, eat a piece of cake :) What do YOU like? Do it!
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
278
Location
On The Train
My therapist sees me as a people pleaser type person too. She told me to break it down into a percentage rather than an all or nothing thing. She said I could spend 75% at maximum doing for others but I have to spend at least 25% minimum doing for myself too.
 
HumanPerson

HumanPerson

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
55
I really relate to this, feels like exactly what I'm going through and I understand what you're saying, take care x
 
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SoulOfABird

Member
Joined
Sep 17, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Los Angeles
Spend time on yourself, what do you like to do? Go see a movie by yourself, get a massage, a manicure, pedicure, play video games, eat a piece of cake :) What do YOU like? Do it!
I will definitely try that out thank you 😊
 
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SoulOfABird

Member
Joined
Sep 17, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Los Angeles
My therapist sees me as a people pleaser type person too. She told me to break it down into a percentage rather than an all or nothing thing. She said I could spend 75% at maximum doing for others but I have to spend at least 25% minimum doing for myself too.
That’s a good way to put it. I try to tell my therapist how I feel and I have I hard time believing what people say. I was telling my mom how I have been feeling blunting of my emotions lately. I think she took it the wrong way. But people assure me that Im a good person but I always doubt it. Especially lately since my emotions been somewhat numb. I don’t know why I have to doubt everything lol but yeah thank you so much. You seem like such a nice person so you probably don’t doubt yourself being kind too much but thank you for understanding you’re words did actually help me get through my day yesterday :)
 
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SoulOfABird

Member
Joined
Sep 17, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Los Angeles
I really relate to this, feels like exactly what I'm going through and I understand what you're saying, take care x
Im so glad to find someone who’s going through the same thing. I thought I was weird lol you take care as well :)
 
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