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I'm tired of pretending to be happy

frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
736
Location
South Korea
I mentioned how during my childhood, I was sexually abused and how my mind goes from one thought to another.

Whoa, whoa. Hold up. You were sexually abused? Shit! That's fucked up! :scared:

If these shitheads try to do that to me, I'd kick their asses!!! :stomp:

I'm sorry you had to go through that. :( It must be traumatizing! Like, I went through a lot of crap and I feel like I have no one to trust. Most of my family members ditched my mother and I behind. We are facing mental disorders (Mine-Bipolar, Mother-Delusional) for a decade and everyone's tired of us. The only ones who are willing to help us are my father, aunt, and grandmother. Unfortunately, they had limits, and I had to look after my mother on my own many times. :low:

I use fiction to escape reality a lot.
I also use fantasies, fiction, and gaming to escape reality(I slowly tapered off games). I don't read fiction, but I write them. I use fantasies to escape from the daily hardships of life.

You know, South Korea is a bad place for us to for mental health services. Way behind US. I can't send my mother as an inpatient to a hospital because it is too expensive. Not only that, insurance doesn't cover it. But we came here anyways because American healthcare is too expensive. South Korea is more affordable in healthcare. That's one of the reasons why we came here in South Korea.
 
Princess Zelda

Princess Zelda

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2020
Messages
721
Location
Germany
Whoa, whoa. Hold up. You were sexually abused? Shit! That's fucked up! :scared:

If these shitheads try to do that to me, I'd kick their asses!!! :stomp:

I'm sorry you had to go through that. :( It must be traumatizing! Like, I went through a lot of crap and I feel like I have no one to trust. Most of my family members ditched my mother and I behind. We are facing mental disorders (Mine-Bipolar, Mother-Delusional) for a decade and everyone's tired of us. The only ones who are willing to help us are my father, aunt, and grandmother. Unfortunately, they had limits, and I had to look after my mother on my own many times. :low:



I also use fantasies, fiction, and gaming to escape reality(I slowly tapered off games). I don't read fiction, but I write them. I use fantasies to escape from the daily hardships of life.

You know, South Korea is a bad place for us to for mental health services. Way behind US. I can't send my mother as an inpatient to a hospital because it is too expensive. Not only that, insurance doesn't cover it. But we came here anyways because American healthcare is too expensive. South Korea is more affordable in healthcare. That's one of the reasons why we came here in South Korea.
Thank you.

I'm sorry to hear about all of that. It sounds stressful to have a hard time finding answers for something. I hope the best for you and your family. And I hope you find support soon :hug1:
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,960
The cure to bpd is accepting reality.

Once that sets in, you can begin to live a real life.
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
736
Location
South Korea
Thank you.

I'm sorry to hear about all of that. It sounds stressful to have a hard time finding answers for something. I hope the best for you and your family. And I hope you find support soon :hug1:
I will find support, friend. I just gotta.
 
Princess Zelda

Princess Zelda

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2020
Messages
721
Location
Germany
The cure to bpd is accepting reality.

Once that sets in, you can begin to live a real life.
Thank you. Yeah, I try to do this. It's not easy, but I think things are a little bit better than how my life was a few years ago.
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,960
Thank you. Yeah, I try to do this. It's not easy, but I think things are a little bit better than how my life was a few years ago.
It was hard for me, I still struggle with it. My brain had made up all these maladaptive narratives in an effort to self soothe and not face the abuse and neglect. Taking tiny steps towards facing it terrified and paralyzed me. I was proverbially digging in my heels and I would dance around it in almost all of my therapy sessions in the first two years.

I was convinced if I let even the tiniest bit of truth in I would have a mental breakdown, where I would not recover. On a scale of one to ten, my fear level was about a 12.

Then one day I realized my therapist was still with me, listening, gently prodding, and I exhaled and let one bit out, one truth.

I didn’t melt, but I cried a lot.

Then another bit came out and another.

I was not melting down, I was coping, as ugly as my narrative was.

I had weeks where I would dip into suicidal ideation, and then I’d come out of it.

And about two years after I pried open the reality of my life, those memories stopped having the same pain and debilitation for me.

I looked at my reality, and then I let it go. And that mourning process, because with bpd we covet the pain sometimes, we often don’t properly mourn what we have lost, or what was never given. And if you don’t mourn, you don’t move on, you remain trapped.

And you can only mourn when you accept your own reality. Only then can you let go and have some stability.
 
J

joeyfivecents

Member
Joined
Feb 5, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Augusta, GA
that's great that you create art. I make music and it really does clear my mind. Sorry to hear you are feeling down but I definitely understand. My therapist is convinced something traumatic happened to me when I was young but we can't really dig it up. Maybe I have repressed it. Anyway, keep creating art!
 
Princess Zelda

Princess Zelda

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2020
Messages
721
Location
Germany
Thank you everyone for your kind replies. I haven't been on in a few days but I'm doing well now. I hope you're all doing well too and I'm sending you all hugs.

:grouphug:
 
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