I'm tired of lying and being a bad person I don't know what to do

[coggoblin]

I'm dumping out a lot of pent up thoughts I've been having recently, so sorry if this is hard to follow. I don't know if this forum is necessarily the right place to put this but I feel like a lot of my personality seems very cluster b so I felt like I should post here. I've been having a lot of guilty thoughts lately about my lying habits and watching a true crime video about a serial killer and seeing so many parallels between her personality and mine just made me feel like an incurable mess.
I know I shouldn't do that and I don't think I'll ever be a killer or anything but it scares me to think about how I might end up if I don't seriously change. I have such bad lying habits, usually about things to make me seem like I'm strong or interesting because I guess I feel like the truth won't get me enough attention. I feel like I don't even have my own personality and I just parrot others and make up things about myself to compensate.
I know my self esteem is extremely low, I constantly feel terrible about my looks and behavior and I wish there was some way to combat my awful habits. I used to have a stealing problem, which has improved but not fully (I recently stole a few pills and some nicotine from my sister and feel like all the progress I made to stop was for nothing.) I know all of my friends and family would look at me different if I were to come clean about my lies, particularly the drastic ones. I'm sure some of them have picked up on the inconsistencies by now but not about anything serious.
I don't want to keep lying but I don't want to lose them so I feel really stuck in this awful situation I've gotten myself into. I don't really lie with the intention of hurting others and these lies don't really attack anyone if that makes sense but I still know they're wrong and manipulative. I'm super lazy and feel like I offer nothing to anyone and during quarantine have barely spoken to a lot of my friends. I've always been sort of a back burner friend in the groups I'm in and know I have a tendency to think I'm closer to people than I actually am which has led me to feel extremely hurt over being cast aside.
The only solutions that seem to make sense are either running away and completely starting over, which isn't feasible, or just killing myself. I want so badly to be dead and to not have to think about all the shitty things I've done and the hurt I've caused people, even though most of the times I've hurt people were in my childhood and teens. I don't want to be this way anymore and don't know how to stop the habitual lying without coming clean, but that will just bring more pain from losing my friends or losing their trust which I couldn't even blame them for. I think these habits might stem from lack of attention and discipline as a kid and becoming accustomed to the lying and stealing, but recognizing why I'm like this doesn't change the fact that what I've done is bad.
I don't want to be bad and untrustworthy, I want to help others and make them feel good about themselves. My friends, family, and especially my boyfriend don't deserve to be lied to. I really hate myself and don't know how to forgive myself because I don't think I deserve to be forgiven. This forum is one of the only things that I feel has helped me make any steps in the right direction so any feedback or advice on how to change these habits would be really appreciated. Thank you if anyone has taken the time to read this or respond.xx

 

[JessisMe]

Hi coggoblin, I love your username.
It sounds like you have been practicing some bad habits. Habits are different than who you are. So good people can practice bad habits and habits can always change. I think you are doing the right thing by working towards changing your habits. It might take time, hard work and resolve to change these habits but your behavior can change with work and time. Look at all the insight you have into your choices. That you strive to do good tells me that you are a good person despite some behavioral shortcomings. Nobody is perfect. Forgive yourself for choices you made in the past that harmed others. Everyone has done things they aren’t proud of. Focus on making better choices to make amends. I don’t think you necessarily need to tell friends and families about the deception, although you know better than anyone. To me I wouldn’t rock the boat with your supports right now. I would just resolve to change. xo, j

 

[Lunar Lady]

Hi coggoblin,

Everything about your post tells me you've had a 'breakthrough' moment and you're ready to change. That's great news.

The problem with constantly lying is you will always feel lonely - nobody knows the authentic 'you'. Nobody has a relationship with the authentic 'you'.

Perhaps you feel the need to lie because you've never spent time developing your own character - you feel like a blank page so you make up things to make yourself more interesting.

The most important relationship of your life is the one you have with yourself. Sweep the decks of all the fabrications and start getting to know yourself and start projecting your real self. Human beings grow, adapt and change all the time - I was a different person at 20, 25, 30, 35 and so on. Invest some love and time on becoming your own best friend and change your habits so you feel good in your own skin and happy with who you are.

This is an exciting and positive new chapter for you - good luck and keep us posted x

 

[karl7]

I'm dumping out a lot of pent up thoughts I've been having recently, so sorry if this is hard to follow. I don't know if this forum is necessarily the right place to put this but I feel like a lot of my personality seems very cluster b so I felt like I should post here. I've been having a lot of guilty thoughts lately about my lying habits and watching a true crime video about a serial killer and seeing so many parallels between her personality and mine just made me feel like an incurable mess.
I know I shouldn't do that and I don't think I'll ever be a killer or anything but it scares me to think about how I might end up if I don't seriously change. I have such bad lying habits, usually about things to make me seem like I'm strong or interesting because I guess I feel like the truth won't get me enough attention. I feel like I don't even have my own personality and I just parrot others and make up things about myself to compensate.
I know my self esteem is extremely low, I constantly feel terrible about my looks and behavior and I wish there was some way to combat my awful habits. I used to have a stealing problem, which has improved but not fully (I recently stole a few pills and some nicotine from my sister and feel like all the progress I made to stop was for nothing.) I know all of my friends and family would look at me different if I were to come clean about my lies, particularly the drastic ones. I'm sure some of them have picked up on the inconsistencies by now but not about anything serious.
I don't want to keep lying but I don't want to lose them so I feel really stuck in this awful situation I've gotten myself into. I don't really lie with the intention of hurting others and these lies don't really attack anyone if that makes sense but I still know they're wrong and manipulative. I'm super lazy and feel like I offer nothing to anyone and during quarantine have barely spoken to a lot of my friends. I've always been sort of a back burner friend in the groups I'm in and know I have a tendency to think I'm closer to people than I actually am which has led me to feel extremely hurt over being cast aside.
The only solutions that seem to make sense are either running away and completely starting over, which isn't feasible, or just killing myself. I want so badly to be dead and to not have to think about all the shitty things I've done and the hurt I've caused people, even though most of the times I've hurt people were in my childhood and teens. I don't want to be this way anymore and don't know how to stop the habitual lying without coming clean, but that will just bring more pain from losing my friends or losing their trust which I couldn't even blame them for. I think these habits might stem from lack of attention and discipline as a kid and becoming accustomed to the lying and stealing, but recognizing why I'm like this doesn't change the fact that what I've done is bad.
I don't want to be bad and untrustworthy, I want to help others and make them feel good about themselves. My friends, family, and especially my boyfriend don't deserve to be lied to. I really hate myself and don't know how to forgive myself because I don't think I deserve to be forgiven. This forum is one of the only things that I feel has helped me make any steps in the right direction so any feedback or advice on how to change these habits would be really appreciated. Thank you if anyone has taken the time to read this or respond.xx

coggoblin.....the fact that you are reflecting on this a nd expressing a desire to change is a great thing.....youre going in the right direction....i wouldnt beat yourself up about past wrongs.....theyve happened, and now you can start over......if you really feel youve hurt someone you could apologise, that would be nice