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Im tired and idk what to do anymore. Im scared. SEVERE OCD HELP ME

I

ineedhelpplss

New member
Joined
Jan 11, 2020
Messages
1
Location
Idk
Hey guys, Im honestly scared and tired at this point. I need help & answers.

I've been suffering from OCD (and its many forms) for a while now & right now I'm suffering from POCD. Looking back at my life I realized that I've suffered from many branches of OCD including harm ocd (constantly thinking of my family members dying or me harming them despite the fact that I NEVER WILL) , hocd (constantly thinking I'm gay) and much more. When I was younger I would constantly check the doors to make sure they were locked before I went to sleep, because I feared that someone would break in and kill my family while we were sleeping. I've thought that I accidentally hit someone while I was driving despite nobody being around me, and would have this thought for days. Constantly checking where I've passed for any signs of blood or anything. I accidentally cheated in school (at the time didn't think of it as cheating but upon reflection later on during the end of my semester I realized it was ) and thought that if I graduated that in 10 years down the road they would find out and take away my degree and I'll be left with nothing. As a result I wasn't able to study for exams at all bc I was so demotivated and thought that it was all pointless since they would discover what I would do, so why waste my time? i felt so terrible and dissapointed in myself. I was the only one of my friends who felt like this idk why? Why was it only me who had to be paranoid? I wanted to report myself to teachers so that they could give me a just punishment but i was scared that I would have to redo a whole year and disappoint my parents. I went to a therapist for this and she helped me out, I was finally happy and started to get the motivation back to work hard in school. I thought that was it for me and that I could finally live my life the way I wanted to. I WAS FINALLY ABLE TO MOVE ON. WHICH IS WHAT MAKES THIS SO HARD. I FINALLY FELT IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE AGAIN AND HAPPY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A VERY LONG TIME :( . This didn't last long. During school I had a coop term at a preschool working with children. I was good with children and growing up people would constantly tell me that I was very good with children (even the preschool staff) & that I understood them well. The preschool staff would also recommend that I become a pediatrician because of how good I was with kids. Throughout most of the term I enjoyed my time and had fun, but during the end of it I started having intrusive thoughts about whether or not I was attracted to the children there. These thoughts pissed me off so much and at times made me question why I was the way I was? I was working with children whom had developmental challenges, and for some children you would have to help them transition between activities using certain methods. I was with one child whom you would have to pick up and swing her around playfully to help distract her and help her transition to the various activities. As it was time for transition between activities I tried to grab her hand twice to walk her to the next activity but she pulled her hands away. And then I just grabbed her and picked her up to swing her playfully (I didn't do it with any physical force or intention to harm her) then brought her to the next activity like how they told me to. All was well and I went on with my day. Later during that day on the train ride home I just suddenly thought back to the situation and thought to myself was that abuse? Was it sexual abuse? & then started freaking out. I didn't cause any harm at all but I kept thinking was I too aggressive in a way? Did I harm her? Then started feeling bad and depressed. Anyways, I completed my term there and the staff thanked us for all we did but in the back of my head I didn't take these words to heart because I felt like a terrible person. Moving on, my family moved from the city to an isolated place somewhere far from where we lived and I worked at the local restaurant with a bunch of kids in high school. I randomly caught myself staring at the younger girls and begin to think about why I was staring at them? Did I like them? Am I weird or a pedo for doing that? All these thoughts started to overwhelm me. For some time, I was able to forget about it because I was sure I wasn't a pedo. Then out of nowhere I started getting all these unwanted intrusive thoughts about children again to the point where I was getting mad at myself for having these thoughts, and made it hard for me to look at children without thinking I was a pedo. I was disappointed in myself, and I was scared about what if i was a pedo and was just hiding it. It's been so debilitating for me that I've lost all the motivation I've had to become successful in life. It's just been getting worse now. For example, the other day I was playing my with baby cousin and she was climbing down from my lap and her hand brushed over my groinal area. I knew her hand was going to brush over there, but I wanted to see if I would get any groinal response. It was brief, but I felt a tingle and that was it. I wasn't aroused or anything, I wasn't turned on at all. Then after that situation I thought even worse of myself because I knew what was going to happen but I let it happen to reassure myself that I wasnt a pedo? But if I let it happen would that mean I am? & now I just keep constantly questing about whether I am or not. I feel like a very terrible person and constantly go back and think of these situations and try to analyze them and come up with an answer as to whether or not I'm a pedophile? I readdress these issues everyday. There's not a single day that goes by that I don't. Whether what I've done in the past was abuse or acts of a pedophile I keep going back to these events and questioning them without finding an answer. Some time I feel like Im just overthinking and its all in my head, but then other times I almost convince myself that I am and that Im just trying my hardest to neglect it. I'm tired of constantly questioning myself. I know I'll never act upon any of these thoughts, but then theres those thoughts I have where I doubt myself and think what if? I'm a really good, outgoing person in real life. I'm sure you guys would think so too if you were to meet me. I just don't know why this is all happening to me. After searching around online, I found out that others were suffering from this as well and that it wasn't just me. I was relieved to find out it was POCD and I believe thats what I have because I I've had other forms of OCD in my past. At this point, I'm so tired and don't know what to do. I find myself crying because of all this then convincing myself that I'm just crying to make myself not feel like a bad person. My head is split in two. Idk what to do at this point. I thought of suicide but I don't want to die either, because I don't want my loved ones to be sad & I want to succeed to help them for all that they've done for me. I will NOT COMMIT SUICIDE. There's this part of me deep down that knows that I will have a good future for myself and overcome this, but then majority of me doubts that I will have a good future. I need answers & opinions. What do you guys think? I filled this out to the best of my ability. Thank you guys for reading this.
 
kat4900

kat4900

Member
Joined
Dec 20, 2019
Messages
20
Location
United States
What you are going through is very distressing, but dont give up hope in getting help. What you are going through is anxiety and it does not define you. OCD is a treatable condition, and you will have a good future. The fact that you have identified these thoughts as obsessions is important, and its also important to accept these thoughts as obsessions. You are not a terrible a person for having these thoughts, they are just thoughts and are not important. None of the behaviors you described seems
harmful to others. These thoughts are very distressing, but unfortunatly the more you try to surpress them the more intense they will become. I wish you the best of luck and hope you feel better soon!
 
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