I'm terribly depressed

[Innervision]

Hi I'm new to this forum, not sure of what I'm expecting but here I go.

For as long as I remember I have been depressed, sometimes more and sometimes less. Most of it has been fairly manageable. Now I'm heading into a very bad depression. I'm starting to rally hate my life and my will to live, everything becomes unbearable and I just want a way out of this. There's a really big and boring story behind this so I will try to keep it as short and relevant as possible.

I have had social anxiety for many years now, while I do manage to befriend some new people over the years I never seem to make a really good friend, what's even worse I have never had a girlfriend. This really bothers me, I am a very lonely person. In order to deal with this I spend most of my life in my room where play videogames or watch TV. I immerse myself in a delusional world and frankly that is just about the only thing that makes me happy. Sadly I have to deal with reality, I still have a job, I try to go outside sometimes and I want to be able to start studying again next year. Drowning in my own delusional hobby is my escape route from reality, and I'm afraid that I'm becoming more sociopathic over the years. I become better at faking emotions and worse at expressing true ones.

Lately there's been a few more problems mounting up, I'm depressed. I sleep a lot, when I wake up I wish that I was still asleep. I'm feeling down and each day I'm becoming more aggressive pushing away the few people that still care about me. Every now and then I play in my head that sequence from the movie "Fight Club" where Tyler says "How would you feel if your life ended right now?", if someone asked me that question I would reply that I wouldn't care.

Life is darker than ever and if I ever needed someone special in my life now would be a good time. I've decided to go see a psychologist that does cognitive therapy, although sometimes I think that I might be better of with a psychiatrist first that can give me meds so that I can see a psychologist after to do the talking.

The problem is that everybody are on holiday vacation, the wait for treatment is killing me and each day is getting worse. Frankly I don't know what to do until then.

 

[jamesdean]

you havent said how old you are, I think that you will benfit form this forum because you can talk to peole which might help you to not have to go into a delusional world, quite so often. The thing it might just be a cyber friend but I think you will find some great friends here thta really do understand and care and will try to help you with your depression, keep posting JDps happy

 

[Innervision]

Alright here goes, my name is Chris and I'm a 21 year old male. My name of choice "innervision" is the name of a song by System of a Down, which is one of my favourites.

Merry Christmas to you too

 

[jamesdean]

You know Chris I didnt really have a relationship until I was about your age and when you get to my age you dont know if you really want one . I wasnt even interseted in sex until I was about 26. I know its hard to believe it it is overated, but I do understand that its upsetting thinking will you meet someone, but I'm a believer in there is someone for everyone and that special will be there for you when the time is right. Please dont think because you have depression that you will not meet someone, everyone deserves to be loved and often people with mh conditions find stronger relationships because they are so much more special, people with mh conditions are such genuine people.
You could be right about needing some medication before the talking therapy could you not see your gp before waiting to see the mh team, Is there any ways we can help on this forum is there certain things you need to talk about, please feel that you can talk openly to us JD

 

[Innervision]

It was never about the sex. I guess I just wish that somebody could show up in my life that I really enjoy being around, a person that could see something in me and develop an honest, innocent and genuine interest in me. Either a true friend or a soulmate, someone that meant something to me and could make my everyday a tad brighter.

I just want to be happy, right now I don't feel that life is worth living and knowing that makes me feel indifferent.

 

[Dollit]

21 is is a bloody awful time - people hype it up to be the best time of your life and it's so confusing.

The positive thing is that you're recognizing that the way you are living isn't the best way of living. There are really good ways of using the internet to get practise in talking to people as long as you keep it in perspective.

As for treatment - the first point of call should be your GP - talk about what's been going on, shown him/her a print out of your first post here which explains things quite well. Your GP will then be able to assess your next step. I got referred to a psychologist via a psychiatrist.

And in the short term try not to think about aiming or happiness - I always think that it's a bit vague and I always just settle for contentment and that brings happiness.

Keep posting and welcome.

 

[Twylight]

Hello Innervision and Welcome to the forum

Try and switch your mind off and concentrate on surviving - things will improve

 

[jdoe123]

welcome

welcome innervision

21 is a very hard age...Hang on through the holidays and talk to us here!!!

We are glad to have you..

 

[jamesdean]

It was never about the sex. I guess I just wish that somebody could show up in my life that I really enjoy being around, a person that could see something in me and develop an honest, innocent and genuine interest in me. Either a true friend or a soulmate, someone that meant something to me and could make my everyday a tad brighter.

I just want to be happy, right now I don't feel that life is worth living and knowing that makes me feel indifferent.

you have had three good post there on christmas day that shows that peole here care so hang in there n get this christmas period done and go and see your gp, ad's have helped me so much my life is so much calmer I dont have the waves crashing everyday any more, I'm thinking positive for yoy all the best JD ps (keep posting if it helps)

 

[Innervision]

Thanks for all the support, sorry for the late response. I've been feeling just a little bit better, specially today when I saw the ultimate "feelgood" movie "Yes man" with Jim Carrey. Soon enough I will be able to get an appointment and things will hopefully start to shape up.

 

[Halo]

Hi Innervision

I felt like you even when i was married. The thing with me was the depression was making me feel lonely. I managed to cope by living in the now. I try not to look too far in the future.

I hope you make some new friends on here who you can trust enough to talk to.. this forum has helped me and iv only been here a few days.

best wishes

 

[Dollit]

To err on the side of the cautious I wouldn't advise giving a date of birth out either in the forum or even in a pm - it's an identifier that can be used in fraud. I'm not saying that the poster who mentioned that has fraud in mind but please be careful about what sort of information you give out on the forum.

 

[Innervision]

Hi there folks, it's been some time since my last input. I went to see a psychologist twice and have a third time scheduled, she's still digging in my past and I'm not really sure that it's getting anywhere. But I have a third appointment on the way. In general I feel better, much less indifferent and bummed but still not happy or socially functional. I have managed to let go of some of the past.

I still feel isolated, and when I am I'm isolated in my own nostalgic world where I feel down because I know that I will never reach the unrealistic goals that I'm feeling that I miss when I'm lost in my own sea of thoughts. Everything is so different there, it might seem perfectly reasonable when I'm there but when I go out and actually see people everything is so different from what I picture in my head. Therefore I feel a nostalgic longing towards what I want to experience in my isolated world. Not sure if that makes any sense to you, it sure as hell didn't when I tried to tell my psychologist.

An example of this is what happens in my dreams, I am an intense dreamer and I remember some dreams for years, those that make me feel something special, although most of them are completely random and completely unexplainable. (Just read if you feel for it, wall of text) I'll just put it in a quote.

During this dream I had last night I was adventuring through Sweden for some reason, where I met this girl that I felt an attraction to. She turned out to be a prostitute, in my dream there was nothing bad about that, it wasn't vulgar it was on the contrary something divine about her. More like a spiritual healer. She was pretty, full of life, happy and for some reason she just accepted me for what I was seeing right through me and was drawn to it. So naturally I developed an interest for her and the next part of the dream I was exploring this feeling and we ended up making love to each other, not with focus on the sex part but the love part. It was a wonderful feeling, like if I had found my other half in the more abstract meaning of teh word. There was some more things going on and then I woke up.

Processing this through the day it made me feel really good, but it also makes me feel really sad. I develop a nostalgic longing for that because I want that to be real, but the way things just happens in dreams just doesn't happen in reality. I'm not exactly sure of what I'm trying to achieve by sharing that dream with you, but it was special. It distracts me so that I can cope but at the same time it destroys me.

),=

 

[Dollit]

I thinks it's very enlightening to read that your dream about a prostitute was based in Sweden and that you had a pure experience. I think sometimes people (in general) focus too much of what is on the surface and refuse to dig deeper to find out what is truthfully there.

My mother's attitude to sex is that you only do it when its absolutely necessary and by her standards I would be wildly promiscuous. By other people's standards I guess to. But the man I love sees me as liberated, free spirited and unafraid.

I have a lot of friends who, on learning about my bipolarity, have said ok, if it causes problems we'll deal with them then. And then went on to treat me like a person.

I'm much more settled having reconciled these areas in myself, found my other half in a way. Perhaps you're closer than you think.

Good luck.