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im sorry everyone but i had to post this somehwere

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luzinha

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Joined
Jul 23, 2014
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2
hey everyone, new here.. not sure if im posting in the right section, nor am i sure of what to say but someone should know... even if ill never meet that someone, these words should get out of my soul out to the world a little bit....
I don't even think anyone will read this all the way through but at least its out there ive done my share and if someone else is in a similar situation they can compare themselves to me...

So im gonna start from the beggining.. i was kind of a happy child, alot of imaginary friends (only child in a really big creepy screechy house) because i was unaware of what was going on.. My mother, also the child of an alcoholic, despised alcohol too until she got pregnant with me, and apparently her doctor told her to have a glass of red wine a day to help with circulation. After that she just became an outright degenerate drunk.

My first memory is, when i was three years old, me my dad and my mom coming back from some dinner at night, and my mom begging my dad to stop the car for her to puke, my dad just kept saying 'please just not on the door', and i remember clearly as yesterday, him holding my hand sneakily through the seat belt part of his seat, while she puked out of the car. While they were together(and i was alive) i never saw them kiss, and they slept in separate bedrooms.. until i was 6, she just took me to the city with her to join her dad, my grandfather who was sick.

From then on my life was hell, my dad didnt have money to take me in so i had to live alone with her.. take care of her... hearing her vomit everysingle night.. dragging her falling slipping tripping self home everynight from my grandads house (because everyone starts drinking at lunch in my country) so by six o'clock shes absolutely comatose, and six o'clock im already being nice. When i was little i remember thinking 'theres no mom after three o'clock'. I only had dinner when someone invited us out, otherwise id eat candy all afternoon and night until i went to sleep at the time i wanted.

She was also falling all the time, bashing her face, teeth, head into walls and blaming it on everything else. Once she broke her head at home, naked, and hit me when i wanted to call an ambulance so i just held her all night, naked, bleeding all over her entire bed, i was just crying thinking shes gonna die in my arms (i was 9).. until it was morning, she seemed fine asleep and i remembered i was already maxed out on my absences in school?(i dont know what thats called in english) so i still went to school that day.. no point in saying ive always had trouble with school, i used to fake conversations between my teacher and my mom through the school book thingie, because id always hide the pta meetings from my mom(school meetings are always at 5-6 o'clock in the afternoon and if she went i'd just die).. since i was 7 i did that almost every week. they always wanted to talk to my mother and i just wrote notes and signed them myself as my mother.. safe to say that by this time i was already a nervous wreck. Making sure she doesnt fall, making sure she gets home unbroken, making sure she ate something so she doesnt turn into a fucking raisin..lol

So, probably unsurprisingly, i tried killing myself twice when i was 13, ... i just didn't even had the strength to try again, at this point I didn't even go to school at all, just stayed home on the computer...when i was 14 we went on vacation to my grandads summer house in the south of the country, my grandad was always really popular and had alot of friends and his friends kids were also there when my mom bashed my face in with a home phone (yes, with the base of a home phone, one of the old ones) in front of like 15 people and i just left and walked around all night and just wanted to die... from then on i just became really angry and wanted HER to die... so i just turn my main goal into leaving when i turned 18 instead of dying because i didnt even get that right..

Somehow by miracle, when i was 15 she found someone and went to live with him and left me alone, which was the greatest time of my life....i did it all, i fed myself properly, i went to school everyday and my grades were great... but when i was 17 the man obviously got fed up with her shit so she came back... At this point i just went to live with a guy i had just started dating...
That was also horrible. Super abusive relationship but it was my only choice, either my mom or an abusive boyfriend... i chose the guy. I think i wouldve chosen anyone else but her at this point. So i did, and i thought i was escaping it but im so damaged from all of this... (that relationship is over now, after three years of another type of hell)... so now im 21, and all i do is dwell on the past and wondering how the fuck i can be a normal person after this.... i shake all the time, i sweat like a pig even if someone just looks at me, i can bring myself to a panic attack in a minute, just thinking the right things... I definitely have had depression for many years, some serious anxiety and i feel completely insane inside...

Im so paranoid, i worry of all the things that could go wrong...I feel so alone all the time, but i alienate everyone who tries to get close because im afraid theyre gonna know the real me and be shocked and ridicule me because everyone has fucking traumas, im not fucking special, i just dont seem to get over it.... it also took me years to finish high school, and i cant even imagine myself going to college, with so many people and so much pressure... if anyone asked me to present a project in front of a class i think id just die... I just feel like theres no way out... my grandad died 4 years ago and my mom got all the money (which is obviously gone by now) and i just know i have to support the woman who ruined my mind, my psyche, and my ability to be.

I also pay for my dads rent (hes 68 now), from little money my mom put aside for me when she got it.. so both my parents are living out of me at this moment with money thats very quickly running out... i wasted my time being depressed and wanting to die, now im 21, with no skills, i dont know how to finish anything i start, i have no discipline or work ethics.. i dont think ive ever even done ONE piece of homework.... what am i gonna do? I feel so desperate.... i cry 5 minutes after waking up knowing whats coming... i also barely leave the house, i smoke pot all fucking day, ive been addicted to stolen valium and stolen xanax and i dont think therapy will work at this point (just to depress you even more, ill tell you that every christmas as a child i asked for a psychologist and everyone thought that was hilarious and never even considered it) because i know for a fact i need some medication (i dont think its normal how good i feel and the amounts i can take and still be functioning perfectly), but no doctor (at least here) will give me what i want and what i think works good for me.

At this point i really think psychologists and psychiatrists are just master manipulators that make you think things in a different way. Plus with my trust issues it'd take me weeks to even tell him something real and that just feels like a waste of money (its super expensive here)...i really dont see a way out to this and everyday my greatest wish is to die...Im so tired of life and objects, and lines and traffic and post offices and tolls and all these mundane fucking things... i wanna die and go somewhere else....Im so alone... The only two people that sometimes invite me for a joint are people that know nothing of my life, nor do they care or ask, and thats the only reason why i feel comfortable around them... old childhood friends that ask so many fucking questions, i run from them with all of my strenght..

i dont want anyone to know how i live, how insane i am....I also feel ugly all the time, even if one day i wake up and i feel like going out, that ends quickly when i realize no clothes look good on me and i look like a fucking walking abortion and im ashamed of my face and how i look.. so i give up and stay again, even if theres no food in the house, i dont give a fuck, ill stay and dwell... the only thing that gets me out of the house is going downstairs to buy cigarettes or three blocks away to my dealers house.....if i dont find a way out both my parents are gonna starve...

Im sorry everyone... but i dont have anyone to say this to and even if this just becomes a lost post somewhere on the internet.... at least its not just tucked away inside my soul... the internet can handle my horrors i think.....
 
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Toasted Crumpet

Toasted Crumpet

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Hi luzinha, welcome to the forum

You sound like you had a really crappy childhood where you didn't get to be a child, or get taken care of and had to be the adult in the relationship with your mum, and sounds like you are still in this role now, paying your dad's rent and helping your mum out. And so you didn't manage to establish skills and education for yourself to allow you to live your own life.

It's not hopeless. You can still learn skills and go to adult education classes and have something better for your life.

One thing I thought of, if you are not keen on seeing a psychologist, is Al-Anon - this is for adult children of alcoholics, and it could help you to come to terms with your childhood and find some way forward with your life now. I don't know what country you are in but there are meetings all over the world and the people there will understand as they will have been through similar.

The other thing is if you wanted to see a therapist could you not print out what you have written here and let him/her read it? Then you would not have to go through the whole thing again and it would be clear to them if they are suitable therapists to help you.

There are also treatment programmes for addictions, again i don't know what is available where you are, but your doctor's surgery should have some info, there are 12 step programmes that are free but there ought to be some state run groups as well. I can understand why you use drugs as your life is so painful it's an escape and something to live for in a way, keeping the focus on the next joint etc but you can overcome that too and build a life with more purpose.

Don't worry about which section you post in, you can post in any section you feel is relevant to you.

If you'd like to do an introduction though, just so people know you are new here and can stop by and welcome you, the section is here:

http://www.mentalhealthforum.net/forum/forum40.html

Hang on luzinha there is hope for you.

I hope you find the forum helpful. xx
 
coldwater00

coldwater00

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Jun 19, 2013
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3,372
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First, you need commending for your courage in getting this far and still being alive - because what you have described sounds incredibly difficult, and like toasted crumpet said, it's a load of crap that got heaped on your head.

Personally, I think it would be a shame to give up now - just because people who possess your resilience are able to make changes in their lives that can make some sort of a difference. I have been in situations where any sort of change seemed totally impossible, but things have shifted a bit - and I think I'm glad I hung on. Of course, you will probably feel differently about things - but I just wanted to say I do understand what it is like to feel like there is no hope at all and everything is unfair/pointless.

If I was you I would not have any contact with your mother (as far as possible). I'd focus on getting some sort of therapy and possibly like toasted crumpet said, accessing some sort of organisation to do with addiction - who may be able to help you get a bit more clarity.

Also, is there any possibility you can move away and "start over" so to speak?
 
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Tina0

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Jun 28, 2014
Messages
23
Hi Luzinha
I think you are very brave to have come through everything that happened to you, as coldwater said it would be a shame to give up now. You are stronger than you think. Don't feel responsible for your parents, they are adults and responsible for themselves. You should concentrate on yourself. You should try and find a doctor that you feel you can trust, don't feel you are alone.
T
 
calypso

calypso

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Hiya, I added paragraphs so more people will be more able to read all you wrote. I think it is so important that people do read it.

I know how hard it is to think anyone can change things for you. But we all know that there is some help possible, and many of us know how despair feels. I agree with some that you will need to tell your father to stop asking for you to pay the rent. He is a grown up and should be looking after himself!!

As for your mother, although it wasn't as bad as your experience, by any means, my husband was an alcoholic and died from it 18 months ago. It was hell at times, and that despair you feel is so understandable. I wonder if you can tell us which country you live in and may I say, if English is your second language, you are amazing. But alcoholics are totally selfish whilst drinking. There is no nice way to put that. They are only interested in getting blitzed and nothing else.

As for therapy, I know it feels like that you will have to go over things and you will perhaps feel worse, but that isn't necessarily the case. Yes, you want to just push all your experiences away, but they are within you and eating you up. That can be helped and even let you grow into to the wonderful woman you are already, but don't realise. Coldwater is right, you are amazingly tough and that is the single most important thing I read in you post. You are SO powerful. But at some point, your parents will have to take second place to your needs. But I do understand how hard it is to just walk away, truly I do. I couldn't walk away from my husband either.

Please come back and talk to us. I would love to try to support you, as would the others who have answered here.
 
S

superz01

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Oct 21, 2011
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Hiya, I added paragraphs so more people will be more able to read all you wrote. I think it is so important that people do read it.
Yeah, thanks for that. It made reading much easier. So just a wee addition here. There is no support for the person who is straight john bull with an english attitude any way you see it.

There is no one through Scotland who could help her because they are all drinkers of alcohol and that includes the women. It is there way. Their homi, hombro, even.

See me after school if someone disagrees with a dissruptive kid and allows her mother to lie rotting on the floor while she, or he, wwrites letters condemning her life style.

I got kids of my own who have never seen me drunk, well, not since last christmas anyway. When my eyes started to close my eldest son said to me why dont cha get off to bed and leave us to enjoy ourselves.

My head jerked back and with a glassy eyed look I said to his efernal glee off you go he said to me as though I was a child, and me, a 50 year ol man.
 
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luzinha

New member
Joined
Jul 23, 2014
Messages
2
:hug: thank you everyone, you guys are really amazing, i really didnt expect anyone to read it all the way through, let alone answer me! (and im sorry about the paragraphs, i just rambled it all at once)
It really feels great to read all your answers, i never told anyone about this... I live in Portugal by the way, where its 100% socially accepted to start drinking at noon, and the norm is drinking, who doesnt drink is a weirdo or is on medication so they can't. Here everyone's seen their parents drunk, people are just suppoused to handle their liquor. lol

Once i found where the al anon meetings were around me (theyre held at churches here) and i creeped through the door and they all looked back at me so i just ran lol at the time i didnt feel compassionate enough to just sit and listen to their stories, i wouldve burst with hatred...

I didnt mention a huge part of whats going on now, which is, after my grandad died and she was living alone, an old friend and her started dating and he moved in. They had the exact same pace of life, and he died just now (june 27th) with cirrhosis, encephalopathy and sepsis over a wound on his leg.

She doesnt show it, but that mustve been pretty traumatic and now she's been sober since he died (they had both just gotten out of the hospital at the time, they were always in and out of it) but this time shes been holding on to sober life for a little longer than usual (her lasting about three weeks sober after the hospital was the norm) so now maybe im freaking out a little more, because i see the slight slight chance of maybe her having a normal life, while my soul knows its just a matter of time.... Therefore, i feel like my constant presence and showing im her friend as long as shes sober are crucial. Maybe its not, but i feel like it (taking responsability as always, i know), like if i stop the constant checking up shes gonna be bored and restless and use her time on drinking again.... I know theres nothing i can do, but its just so stressful...

With my dad its even worse because he wont ask me for anything, once i got called up saying he was gonna get evicted if he didnt pay his rent for longer (he didnt have money while i was growing up, then he sold his house and then lost everything with the 2008 crash) so i just started putting money in every month so i wouldnt get that scary call again... He feels horrible about me helping him, but noone will give him a job(even though hes still a really capable man)and its really either that or him being out on the street...

Moving away and starting over was always the dream, but now i know ill be hurting them.. unfortunately its now intrinsic in me that it gets to a point in our lives where it becomes our duty to look after our parents and i'd die so guilty knowing i left them out to the wolves...

I truly believe everyone has their unique challenge in life and this is mine....I just dont have the skills to get us out of this one... specially in this country, where no one can get a job, i was taught still in school to leave the country because there would be no jobs for us when we got out of college.. so with no college its impossible.. particularly with my anxiety and paranoia...i never think im capable of anything, nor do i see the possibilities, even just imagining i cant see my self working, living a normal 9 to 5 life...

Im sorry to be letting all this out here, but you guys were just amazing i feel so safe here, i wish i had found you guys earlier
 
I

Istabraq

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Jan 15, 2014
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212
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Home Counties
Firstly, I'm pleased you shared your experiences and hope that you feel better for doing so, I have a few comments/observations:

Whatever restrictions you had with your education are not evident in the way you write, you are eloquent and descriptive, this is not a skill everyone has, perhaps focus on using that as a starting point for career ideas ?
Todays modern style of journalism isn't dissimilar to how you write.

It's fair to say that you have been given a tough starting point in life and the problems you have are directly related, for that you have my complete sympathy.
Your Mother sounds as though she has so many issues that considering the needs of her own daughter didn't register at any point, you are the victim and none of this is your fault.

It's incredibly unfair for you to assume responsibility for both your parents and I would suggest you seek assistance through the proper channels.
It's completely unreasonable for a young person to effectively give up their life to provide for their parents, even more so after the deck they dealt you !

But, amidst all the issues you describe, I sense an itelligent, level headed person who has something to offer.
You seem to have been through so much in your young life, for to be here to tell the story is an achievement in itself and you need to dig deep and analyse the positives you can take from it all such as how you've survived, how you coped with having no parental help, how creative you were to mislead the school all that time.

Write a list of all the things you think might be fun, the stuff you would like to try/do, places you'd like to visit etc.
You need to place a very strong focus on you, not your parents, you.
What kind of work would you like ? It doesn't matter if you're not qualified just consider what would interest you, qualifications can be gained and you're certianly young enough to train for every possible career.

It's sad, if not surprising, that you are addicted to stolen drugs, you need to get help to overcome this.
Therapy will help, you describe events so well they will be able to understand entirely.

I haven't read such a sorry tale for a long time, I really do wish you well in overcoming your issues and finding a positive future for yourself and I'm sure there is one out there for you.....
 
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