I'm so tired

SavageMoonlight

SavageMoonlight

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Jul 23, 2019
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New Jersey
God, I just feel so miserable at all times.

Why am I like this? Why does my entire being object to me wanting to be better? I want so desperately to be good to myself-- I want to wake up at 6:30 every day, dress nice, wear makeup to work, smile, laugh. But it's so hard. Sleeping is so much easier. Hiding under my blankets from the world and pretending that nothing is real. I just want to sleep all the time- 24/7, I would like nothing more than to sleep. A lot of times I'll be falling asleep basically all day at work. I've tried different things to manage it but so far nothing helps, although I do feel better on days I wake up earlier. Still, waking up earlier is really hard. I've been having a harder time sleeping since we installed the new light blocking curtains last week. I need to sleep with the TV on so I wonder if having less of that ambient light has something to do with it. Or maybe it's just the summer heat.

I love waking up next to my boyfriend every morning, but he's up at 6:30 and then I'm alone in bed listening to him get ready. I can barely drag myself out of bed at 7:15 when I have to, in order to get to work by 8. Some days I'm up to 20 minutes late for work because my body just won't move. It refuses to get up and by the time I do leave the house it's 7:45 and I have to pray that there's no crazy traffic today. It's awful.

I think the worst of it is just how badly I want to be able to look nice every day. But I'd feel uncomfortable and out of place; my office is a jeans-and-t-shirt environment. I would feel so weird dressed nicer; like everyone was staring at me. I hate being stared at. Funny for someone who loves to be the center of attention when she's in control. I'm really into retro fashion- 40s, 50s, that sort of look. I've been buying lots of clothes to try and encourage myself to dress in that style more often, and I've been better about it, but usually only on days off. Most work days it's throw on a pair of jeans and grab a shirt off the floor. Though I have been wearing skirts more lately since it's hot outside.

Work sucks too. There's this air conditioner blower thing on the wall next to my tiny 2'x3' desk (the smallest in the entire office) that blows directly onto the side of my face. It's incredibly distracting, and when it's blowing on me I just can't focus. I have a space heater and a snuggie to help manage it a little but I still find myself shivering all the time. My coworkers know it really bothers me too (I'm the only person in its direct path) but they still turn it on every day and I just have to suffer.

Maybe I'll fake a cold from it to try and guilt them in to stopping turning it on. Or at least moving my desk. I'd really like a different desk-- I knock things over all the time and I feel like it's so loud. It's really embarassing. I have no personal space and I have to stuff all my paperwork into folders that are now overflowing, hanging over the side wall of the cubicles in front of me.

I apologize that this is all just word vomit but it's just something I've been needing to get out for a while. I haven't seen my therapist in almost two months, but I had a really, really bad breakdown at work today so I texted her. I don't love her, but she's okay for now. It's hard to find someone I like who takes my insurance and I hate the phone so I was mainly looking for someone I could email. I'm hoping she can make some time for me in her schedule soon because I really need to talk to someone about all this.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Hi,
Welcome to the forum
Can you maybe approach your boss and ask to move your desk, you shouldn't have to suffer like that.
Have you been to your dr about your illness?
I hope you feel better soon
Take care
 
SavageMoonlight

SavageMoonlight

New member
Joined
Jul 23, 2019
Messages
4
Location
New Jersey
Hi,
Welcome to the forum
Can you maybe approach your boss and ask to move your desk, you shouldn't have to suffer like that.
Have you been to your dr about your illness?
I hope you feel better soon
Take care
Thanks,

My boss isn't in the office. My company is weird. There's no one I can really approach about this because we have a very small space and no available desks; I'd have to swap with someone who has a bigger desk but no one would want to do that. They'd also want me to still be near the other member of my team which limits the options even more. I'm pretty much at the only desk there is.

I'm not sure what you mean by illness- can you clarify at all? Are you speaking specifically about the depression or something else?
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Yes I did mean your depression sorry.
 
SavageMoonlight

SavageMoonlight

New member
Joined
Jul 23, 2019
Messages
4
Location
New Jersey
Yes I did mean your depression sorry.
No prob just wanted to clarify.

I'm on medication for it; I'm bipolar and I have an anxiety disorder too though so it's kind of a mess. I've been in and out of therapy my entire life and I've been trying to settle with a new therapist for a while now. I've just been struggling to find someone who I like and who also has the availability I need since I work full time.
 
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