I'm so F^"ked up!

[mwake]

I am in my thirties and I have always been shy ever since I was young, At the moment the biggest thing that is destroying me is my inability to talk properly, I seem to become negatively analytical whenever I talk. Its killing me. I want to communicate but stop my self from talking or when I do I sound tough or posh because I am monitoring every syllable I utter its terrible. This comes on top of depression and a huge lack of confidence. Coupled with the fact that I've lost my sense of humour I feel so 'locked in myself', I wish I could talk without beating myself up.

Everybody hates me and because they say I talk like I think like I'm better than them, that I have a high opinion of myself. I don't! As I said when I talk I consciously monitor every letter and syllable which makes me sound so posh, but I don't mean to, i really don't. My voice goes all trebbally and squeaky and I feel silly to be honest but its almost as if I cant stop it, like I'm trying to be perfect. Sometimes I get annoyed because people expect a stereotype, like just because I'm a big guy I've got to have a deep voice. Does anybody know what I mean, does anybody know what it feel like to have no confidence in the way one speaks.

Sorry if this makes no sense to people reading this, but please help if you can understand what I am trying to say.

I feel so alienated from society bause I'm consious of thhe fact that when I talk people will judge me. All in my head...

Thanks

 

[Apotheosis]

This is a very interesting subject that you raise. Language is a very intriguing subject for me.

I have tried as best that I can to express things clearly, & to communicate certain things as well as I can. Language cannot express all things. Much of language & communication is ambiguous, & open to individual meaning.

Having been in some very altered, & psychotic states - I have always wanted to try to impart what those experiences have been like as best that I can. (It is another story that most people don't appear that interested, if at all!).

I love words, & I try to lean them. I am not being a prude; or superior - However, peoples general level of language usage & grasp of English, doesn't appear too good these days, although there are those that do make a lot of effort to communicate as best that they can. I don't think that this is necessarily an education thing either. I have met many with very good communication skills, often largely self taught, who would be considered as being 'working class' (if we still have such a thing?). I know in conversation that some people have no idea of what I'm saying, or of a lot of words that I use. I try to not take myself too seriously. I also try to communicate with others in a way that they also can understand. Some days I feel far more articulate than others, & able to use a wide vocabulary & varied descriptions, & then other days words seem stuck. There does appear to be a notion with people that it is cool or fashionable to have a limited use of language. & I can see the limitations of spoken/written word. But I also wish that more people would attempt a fuller grasp of language & communication. Is this making sense?

I have found that writing so much on-line has altered my spoken word & conversations. I speak more these days, as I write. It's most odd how writing stuff has influenced spoken conversation - & to a degree vis versa.

In some ways the narrative has become the story. That discussing certain things, certain experiences, has become these things in itself, & detached me in a way from the actual experiences themselves. This is an odd effect too. Not that I am not being honest; as I try to be. But that the 'word' becomes the reality. As a simple example - I suppose like the word 'chair' which is a verbal representation of something; becomes a symbol that identifies the object; & has a significance that is often more significant than the object itself.

I do have a friend who has read a lot of literary classics; & books. He is very interested in the idea of that 'in the beginning was the Word' - in Christian mythology. The notion that words & language have a life of 'their' own is a fascinating subject.

I do try to not get too hung up on what people think; as much as I can I will try to be myself, speak as clearly as I can, but also try to be as down to earth as I can too. Although it needs work, I do find that the more I can really listen, the more that I can get from a relationship/interaction with others. If I can 'switch off my own mind' as much as possible, & really try to listen; the more I get from things. This is often a hard thing to do - the mind seems to have it's own life with creating imagery & responses while others are speaking, & with formulating what to say next. But the more I can listen, the more I can find meaning & depth in what others are saying; a meaning that to me often goes beyond the words being spoken.

I hope that all makes some kind of sense to you.

I don't think that you should feel ashamed or bad for the way you use language. I think that it is admirable to speak as eloquently as we can.

Language is very much tied into identity & image, both in the way that we speak, the use of vocabulary, & in the words themselves. I do modify language to a degree. I don't swear much, but I can & do; & I can talk in a low mumbling drawl, reminiscent of when I was stoned out my head the whole time & couldn't be bothered communicating with anyone. But an ideal I have is to speak calmly & softly, but clearly. I don't all the time, I can get irritated, short tempered, & sometimes shout. Words can be like actions, they can harm or heal, whether written or spoken. & I am learning all this too. I am not perfect - very far from it. & It is not so much actions today that I can get upset over - it's words, sometimes mine, or sometimes other peoples. Words are powerful.

 

[mwake]

Thanks Apotheosis so much! I appreciate your words, and detailed insight. Its very true what you said later on in your response, words can harm or heal. I feel sometimes that people judge me because of my accent as well which is frustration, I sound a little like Chris eubank And I wonder wether people are annoyed with me because an accent can suggest certain things like intelligence level and class. I am intelligent, but class wise I would say I am lower/working class, at times living the life of a 'chav' without the swearing and ignorance lol, Basically, I too have spent times 'tossing it off' getting stoned out of my head. Its ironic, because I mainly drawl as a way of communicating, which I admit isn't very exciting and could be annoying to the 'receiver' of the conversation.

I live in an area where the level of intellect sometimes doesn't get past 'Page Three' of The Sun newspaper. This I find difficult and have to find a common ground to relate with people which can be hard, People hear my accent and assume I'm crazy and arrogant, that I am 'flag-waving' my high intelligence as a way of saying nah-na nah-na nah-na "I'm more cleverer than you". Not true, I do actually like communicating with people. To be fair educated people and middle class peple have also negatively judged me, as if to suggest if you look a certain way you should act a certain way, b$££%$Ks to that!!! But I guess we all make judgements and that ultimately I've got to be comfortable in my own skin. It doesn't help that I have moved around the country as well and don't have a 'regional accent' I have a kinda dare I say BBC radio voice lol ( my opinion anyway). As I said earlier part of it comes down to confidence and my depression (and possibly paranoia) which makes me sound flat and I know humour goes a long way to breaking down barriers, i lack confidence to be witty in public, because behind closed doors I can be very funny. As I said I don't mean to be arrogant. People have said your accent doesn't fit your scruffy/gypsy like image "change your voice, why don't you sound poor!" It annoys me because I'm sure not all tramps or scruffy people are ignorant and stupid. But hey, when in Rome... So I guess I better start buying the Sun then.

You're so right about communication, it is important and I miss the freedom at which to talk to people and express feelings and thoughts. I spend so much time in my head sounding perfect that I feel 'I miss the boat'. I don't care personally what someone's accent sounds like, its irrelevant compared to what they are trying to convey to you, that's what matters! If only I could ease-up and believe that for myself.

Thanks again, actually I'll pass on The Sun and go and watch some Eddie Izzard instead. Because, Life is can be tough, when you're a humourless Chris Eubank sound alike.

 

[Apotheosis]

Maybe you are reading too much into how you sound, & over analysing it?

Who you are is who you are - & as long as you are not going round hurting people - then where is the harm? You could sound like a smurf; & what would it really matter? it isn't that important I don't think. People often make judgements & criticise people on things that to my mind have little importance - things like what clothes they are wearing, how they look, how they sound etc - how shallow is that!; I tend to just ignore it. People sometimes make fun of what I wear, or how I behave. I have an odd accent too, & depending on how I am feeling, my voice can become very flat & monotone. I am sure that there are people that love & respect you for who you are - & do not judge you on the way you appear. Those who matter; matter, those who don't, don't.

& hey - look around - are 'average' people normal? - This World is a freak show.

In the words of the word master -

'To thine own self be true'.