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    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

I'm so depressed.

A

AtlantaPerson

Member
Joined
Nov 9, 2020
Messages
12
Location
Atlanta
Things the last year or so have been really great. My mental health had never been better. My passion is designing video games, and I've been doing that everyday. On top of that, I've finished college while working a part-time job.

Now the part that sucks; I'm expected to go work somewhere full-time. It's terrible. First, I'm an introvert, and second, I have a hardcore entrepreneurial streak. So I'm not lazy; I just literally cannot motivate myself to seek employment. The social anxiety, the depression, the new environment and people (not a good thing), the lack of freedom in my life and living paycheck to paycheck, the meaningless tasks, the wasted time ... it sounds like living hell. So, I don't even want a job. And then there's the stress of the process of even finding one. I have no idea how to go about this thing, especially mid pandemic! And it's not like I've got the drive to do whatever it takes to find a job, because... well... the reward for doing so is a bunch of extra work-related depression and anxiety!

With game design, I'm easily putting in 30 - 40 weeks, and I feel like I can actually publish my first title within another 6 months (11 months total) and potentially make some money. Tough to do, but we'll see. With self-directed activity, I have lots of energy at my disposal, and it's important to me that I become self-employed so that I can both stay sane and so I can leverage my entrepreneurial ambitions to get me to put in 50/60+ hour weeks.

My parents have some future in mind for me, and while they're really supportive and their intentions are good, in no universe could it be possible for them that I'd make money as an artist or entrepreneur. Employment, in their minds, is the clear path forward for me. I guess they don't realize how much mental health issues affect quality of life in that environment. The best course of action, from my point of view, is to go full-tilt on video game design, complete titles, learn how to market, etc. I understand the complications involved with trying to make money that way, but at least it's a solution that doesn't make me feel like life totally blows. And at least it leverages my strengths.

So I'm just super depressed now. I have to deal with looking for a job during a pandemic, though I have 0 motivation to do so. If I don't, then I'm just the lazy, ungrateful and noncontributing son. And if I do find a job and actually get accepted, then yay. I now I have a life that totally sucks for a full half of my waking life.

Best case scenario, I just keeping doing game design everyday, moving toward publication. And then I make enough profit off of it to be able to work on the next title. And in the meantime, just try and survive. If I can land a job, then do that during the day and just try to keep my head above water. It's so hard to survive, let alone to pursue your dream, on top of mental health issues. It'd honestly be easier to just quit on the game design thing and get some s**tty job and just numb myself out in life, doing drugs, Netflix, whatever. It's painful holding onto a dream for your life and not giving up on it, especially when no one believes you can do it. But whatever - I know I'll get through this eventually and make things happen for me. I've just got to go through this sucky part and not give up. :/
 
4

4philip67

New member
Joined
Feb 10, 2021
Messages
2
Location
United States
Hi AtlantaPerson. Thanks for sharing your story and dreams. All of us can be more productive and positive when we are doing something we love.

Allow me to confirm what I thing you shared. Last year your mental health was excellent because you were engaged in doing something you loved. This year, however, your mental health is declining because you may have to take a full time job to support yourself. If this is true (I am not a doctor), it appears that you are not clinically depressed. Clinical Depression, to my knowledge, does not fluctuate with your circumstances. Only a physician can confirm a diagnosis of depression so it may be worth seeing your doctor.

So with that out of the way, allow me to ask some questions. Are you living at home? Are you paying rent for this privilege or do your parents expect you to help cover your costs? If so, you may be responsible to follow the wishes of your hosts (parents). Perhaps you can negotiate a moratorium or pause in rent or cost reimbursement to parents for a predetermine period of time to complete your program with the marketing. If, after this period, you are still not self sufficient, you may need to pursue a job (not a career, necessarily) to support your continued aspirations to develop video games. Like most of us, you may have to postpone your dreams (while not giving up on them) until you become financially independent.

Your aspirations are noble and most likely, doable. Be patient and more importantly, be responsible.
 
A

AtlantaPerson

Member
Joined
Nov 9, 2020
Messages
12
Location
Atlanta
Thanks for responding y'all. I do have a diagnosis for clinical depression but it was given sometime in the past - I don't remember exactly when. I'm currently on Wellbutrin, as well as BuSpar for anxiety. I could cut back the medication and be OK, but there's no pressing need to do so and I'm not going to rock the boat now that I've got some stability. It seems like I've got some dysthymia with circumstantial depressive bouts. The reason I say this is because the depressive episodes are often out of proportion with the severity of the trigger or event. On top of everything, I had a relationship end in January... it was casual but still hurt a bit. So, it's been a lot this year so far, haha.

In response to your questions, 4philip67, no - I'm currently living in an apartment. My parents are covering my rent until the lease expires this summer. I've still got a part-time job I had while in college, and I use that money to pay for food, utilities, and gas. A moratorium I think is out of the question, though my parents are understanding with the difficulties in getting a job - especially mid-pandemic - and are willing to support me financially while I search.

I did have a great stroke of luck, however. I filed my taxes this morning and found out that I'm retroactively getting a stimulus check for $1800 (+ my $400 tax return), because this is the first year I'm not claimed as a dependent. On top of that, with the $1400 potentially coming soon, I'll have enough to "subsidize" my game development dream. If I'm frugal, I can cover all my expenses for 4 to 5 months, during which I'll complete my first game. It feels like I've been given a great opportunity and I want to make the most of it.

Thanks for the support.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,151
Location
Nashua NH
Thanks for responding y'all. I do have a diagnosis for clinical depression but it was given sometime in the past - I don't remember exactly when. I'm currently on Wellbutrin, as well as BuSpar for anxiety. I could cut back the medication and be OK, but there's no pressing need to do so and I'm not going to rock the boat now that I've got some stability. It seems like I've got some dysthymia with circumstantial depressive bouts. The reason I say this is because the depressive episodes are often out of proportion with the severity of the trigger or event. On top of everything, I had a relationship end in January... it was casual but still hurt a bit. So, it's been a lot this year so far, haha.

In response to your questions, 4philip67, no - I'm currently living in an apartment. My parents are covering my rent until the lease expires this summer. I've still got a part-time job I had while in college, and I use that money to pay for food, utilities, and gas. A moratorium I think is out of the question, though my parents are understanding with the difficulties in getting a job - especially mid-pandemic - and are willing to support me financially while I search.

I did have a great stroke of luck, however. I filed my taxes this morning and found out that I'm retroactively getting a stimulus check for $1800 (+ my $400 tax return), because this is the first year I'm not claimed as a dependent. On top of that, with the $1400 potentially coming soon, I'll have enough to "subsidize" my game development dream. If I'm frugal, I can cover all my expenses for 4 to 5 months, during which I'll complete my first game. It feels like I've been given a great opportunity and I want to make the most of it.

Thanks for the support.
Wonderful news, you do you! xo, j
 
4

4philip67

New member
Joined
Feb 10, 2021
Messages
2
Location
United States
Good luck, AtlantaPerson. It sounds like a good plan and good parental support. Thanks for the response.
 
A_Wilted_Daisy

A_Wilted_Daisy

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 28, 2020
Messages
281
Location
in a bubble
I feel the same way about having to look for a job and all the stresses work comes with.

:grouphug:
 
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