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im so angry i want to scrream

I

ireallydontknow

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Joined
Nov 29, 2014
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50
im just goig to typee without thinking ad let everythig out. i dot give a shit about correct spelllig. im so frustrated with mysef i sabotage shit al the time. constat coflict with different sides of myself who all want different thigs. ad i ufcking hate all of them. i hate kid me the most, kids a fucking whore for letting it happen again and agai and again. Oh yeah having the freeze response isnt ur fault its built in blahblah well i CHOSE to let people hurt me. He asked is tHS okay???? ad guess what i said yes. never stopped him ad if I could i would wat to see him again honestly. i could blame it on the fact that i was born with a differet dad who probbably did weird shit to me. i could blame it on the fact that mym mom is FUCKED UP just like I am. I could blame the world ad say, "its ot my fult" but it is 100% my fault. I keep chosing to do this. I chose all the other abusers after and i keep chosing them. ad whe i cant i hurt myself instead. i self harm drink do drugs put myself i bad situations ad fuck good things up. its a fucknigm iracle i fiished highscchool somehow ad got a fuckig job. but woopdeedoo, good for you everyone fucking does that its calledd ot being a piece of shit. and ow my girlfriend is mad at me becuse im druk agaimm for the third weekend i a row. adn well i ot druk o purpose because it feels good physically feelsreally bad eotioally and those are both things i want. because like she says i am a monster ad shesright. its true i am filth, itdd not a fuckig guilt trip its TRUE. Shes rIght. theres a big differece between Knowing the shit i kow and ac ctually practicing it. i could sit here al day long and play counsellor for someone else. but im a hyporite. ad here i am drinking more eventhough i just said id stop becaue i ust want to be drunk enough to type out everything. but theres not enough alcohol left. ***** probably should fire me im not reliable. at all. i cant be trusted. i know where this is goig to go in the end, i can fucking fihght it all i want and havie as many dreams as i want. im not going to be a counseling psychologist for kids. im not going to be able to do art therapy with sexually abused people and childrn. i havnt made a real drawing in MONTSH and my art is fucking CRAP anyway. im not smart enough to go through 8 years of schooo lan whilei honestly think HeyI can do this! sometimes, the confidence is a ruse. its not real. im not healthy enough to help anyone else. im trying sof ucking hard, but at thesame time im making things harder for myself . im torn into pieces, fucking shit. i hope ***** kills the kid. i hope that he poisons me until everone can see what i really am like far inside. im not nice, im not a good person, im not reiable, im not helpful, im not sweet, im not someone who cares aout you, im not someone who can loveyou, im not someone who can keep a promise, im not smart, im not right. she said that my i love yous dont mean anything if im drunk. now i dont really know if they mean anything at all anyway, am i capable of actually properl loving her??? she should have just let me die six years ago when he wa sgoing to come back. i wish he really did hurt me. therse no way that the good outweighs the bad for her. theres no way. i hurt her way too much we hae talks way too much, and the worst thing is that me thinking and aying this all the time will make her beelieve it either way . but i cant stop thinking and saying it and regreting it after. so many fucking pulls in every direction. im a liar too.i lie to myself allthe time.lies lies lieslies. ifwedo staytogheter weargoing toendup likemyparents for sure. I ama carbon copyof mymom. Imself destructive andultimately extremely selfish. imacoward, Im weak. maybeishould just go find him again. quit myjob, drop the program, get drunk, give the rest of my money o some random eprson and go to his house. hes probabyl not fucked up enough to do anythin gagain though. maybe i could bus hop unti someone finds me. maybe i can walk aimlessly at night like in ******** and hope really hard that someone wrong finds me. god someone kill me im too pathetic to kill myself. not eery side of me wants to die. **** kill me. kill the hope that i can be anything more than my abuse so i stop gonig bak and forth this is torture. im sofUCKINg TiRED of going in ccircles again and again and again I cant fucking do it forever. go to school!! turn intoo someone respecabl, extend your being into something else more than you, save lives, help children so they dont end up so fucked up and dysfunctional in their lievs cause some sickshit fucks them. You cant go to school, if you cant do smaller things what makes you think you can possibly do something like get a dream career. the truth is you like it. you want t o be fuckd by someone who think youre just a faceelss thing. you want to be hurt ad degraded because youre adisgusting sick little freak who hates themselvves horribly. annd so you should. its so disgusting, you monster. My famiy fell apart and i learned things about people. ike how my granma enabled and watched my mom get sexualy abused as a kid. im oing blind because of an inurable eye diesease. my mom is losing her mind and my siblings that arent even my real siblings and my "dad" who is probably just as sick are moving awy to albrta where i will neer see them again. im just waiting for my mom to kill herself, cause shel do it. I bet shell kill hersef one way or another because shes just me in the future. and now im goin to see a counselor next sunday and the thing is i will run into it wantin to ust spill my guts but somone will take over and i will be someone else. another wall. oh shes a threatt, go away. fuck you fuck you fuck you fUCk you. just go die
 
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I

ireallydontknow

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Joined
Nov 29, 2014
Messages
50
cain isnt a rea person. hes a side of myself,thhe edits are annoyig.
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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Oct 23, 2014
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You have obviously been through a great deal of pain and suffering and I hope that letting it all out made you feel somewhat better. Unfortunately, we can't change the past but we can learn to deal with it or leave it behind us. I'm sorry that you've been through so much. You are bound to feel angry.

If you're worried that you won't be able to open up when you see your counsellor, why don't you print off your post above and just hand it over. You won't need to say a word.

I wish you well.
 
calypso

calypso

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Edits are essential honey. We can't allow specifics of self harm on the forum, and it is very triggering for other people. I'm sorry it upset you though, please understand why we do it.
 
I

ireallydontknow

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Joined
Nov 29, 2014
Messages
50
@PurpleChaos- Thanks, it didn't really help all too much since I didn't really get everything out. But the responses I got actually helped more ... That is a good idea. I might actually go over it and do that if I can print it off somewhere like the library or ... Yeah. Thank-you.
 
I

ireallydontknow

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Nov 29, 2014
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Nikita said:
Hello, Ireallydontknow,you are overwhelmed and there is a lot of history in the family that is hard to come to terms with.If your gf has been with you for 6 years I can't see she sees you as you see yourself,maybe though she'd like you to stop getting drunk.You seem to use it to distract and avoid and punish yourself, I say that cos you say it makes you feel worse emotionally and you like it that way.From the way you are talking here in my honest opinion I can see reading between the lines you would make a good art therapist.Maybe you are having a block right now but that happens when a lot goes wrong and we are trying and getting shoved down by too much worry and abuse,blocks happen to the most creative people.Try the counsellor,I agree, print out what you wrote here and show it to her, she may be able to unravel those knots you have been tied in.
You sound like you are under pressure and just need a release valve.I don't see you as badly as you see and feel about yourself.I think maybe now you haven't got the strength to care about others,or go to study to become an art therapist,you don't feel smart, or reliable or that you can keep a promise etc But I think you are capable of all those things.You are just losing it right now, you can restore your calm, your balance , your strength and your faith in yourself and others.You do care enough to do that I am pretty sure about that.I am sure you are worth it anyway.I hope it all goes well with you with the counsellor and you can get right back on track and make things good with your girlfriend.I am sorry about your mum but take care of you first,she can get help too!More power to you!.Nikita!
Thank-you for all of the encouragement. I can't really agree with all of it but it made me smile to read it. My girlfriend does love me & she takes good care of me but she doesn't fuck around. She tells me how it is, if I am being a selfish piece of shit, she'll take a chunk out of me. & Really, I don't think I could be with any other kind of person. I can appreciate it a lot but it hurts to be called a monster. It probably hurts so much because I know it's true. Thanks, Nikita. If I can say one good thing about myself- I do think it's kind of a good thing that I am at least not in denial of needing help & want it. I even seek it. So that's a different between my mom & I. I hope you're ok yourself. ...
 
I

ireallydontknow

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 29, 2014
Messages
50
You have obviously been through a great deal of pain and suffering and I hope that letting it all out made you feel somewhat better. Unfortunately, we can't change the past but we can learn to deal with it or leave it behind us. I'm sorry that you've been through so much. You are bound to feel angry.

If you're worried that you won't be able to open up when you see your counsellor, why don't you print off your post above and just hand it over. You won't need to say a word.

I wish you well.
Yeah, since I was 2 as far back as I know & I'm 20 now. I realize that everyone's been through shit I just. I don't know. Pisses me off. I've been on a high for a few years I just crash and burn then go on another high. Where I feel happy for a while but then something happens, however small, & off the deep end with me. Do you get that? Thanks for the advice, that's actually a very good idea. I will have to look this over then find a place to print it out. You can do that at the library, right ... ?
 
I

ireallydontknow

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 29, 2014
Messages
50
Edits are essential honey. We can't allow specifics of self harm on the forum, and it is very triggering for other people. I'm sorry it upset you though, please understand why we do it.
... Okay, I understand. If I was with a client, I would not use certain language so that applies here too. Was angry & drunk but I've cooled off now. ... I'm sorry.
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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Oct 23, 2014
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1,079
Yeah, since I was 2 as far back as I know & I'm 20 now. I realize that everyone's been through shit I just. I don't know. Pisses me off. I've been on a high for a few years I just crash and burn then go on another high. Where I feel happy for a while but then something happens, however small, & off the deep end with me. Do you get that? Thanks for the advice, that's actually a very good idea. I will have to look this over then find a place to print it out. You can do that at the library, right ... ?
I can relate to the highs and lows, definitely. It's pretty hard to cope with. Anger..? When I was your age and younger, yes. I was very volatile. Now, not at all. But we're all different. I certainly didn't have to go through any of the crap that you have experienced growing up. I have been very fortunate there.

The good thing is that you recognise your emotions and, even though you are having trouble dealing with them at the moment, it doesn't mean that you won't be able to in the future.

Yes, you should have no problems printing it off at the library (the staff should be able to assist). If you have access to your forum posts on your mobile, you could always just show your phone to your counsellor and not have to print it off anyway.

Let us know how you get on. If you feel you still need to let more out, you can always do it here. We'll support you as and when we can.
 
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