• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

I'm scared.

S

samwilson

New member
Joined
Jul 13, 2020
Messages
1
Location
London
As I write this, I sit here crying, struggling to find the words.
I'll start from the beginning.. As a child I had the most loving parents, they gave me everything I ever wanted. They were the most amazing parents I could ever ask for but the person I was most closest to was my grandfather. He wasn't just my grandfather, he was my best friend. We done everything together, he would pick me up friday after school and I'd spend the weekend over at his, we would clean his car, mow the lawn, go fishing, go for drives while I tell him how school was that week. When I turned 12 he passed away, I didn't understand death and I was so angry at him, how could he leave me? Where has he gone and why doesn't he want to see me? I can't describe the hatred I had for him. I started getting involved in things such as drugs, gang crime and other things. At 16 there was a gang fight between the gang I was in and a rival gang. A member of the rival gang was stabbed and killed. Me along with a few others were arrested, I spent 6 months on remand before going to trail. At trial I was found not guilty and the main suspect was found not guilty due to self defence. After coming out I decided I wanted to turn my life around and better myself, me and a close friend went to college together to study graphic design. We had plans to finish college and start a business together. 8 months into the course, he passed away and I lost all motivation to finish college. I went back into my old lifestyle, I was moving up ''ranks'' in the gang and becoming known amongst rival gangs. Someone in the gang who I thought was my good friend invited me to a party so I said yeah. There was no party, it was a set up to rob me. I was jumped by a group of around 8, beaten all over and stabbed in my butt cheek. I decided this is it, this is where I change. I got a job, I kept clear from everyone in that lifestyle. I met a girl from work who I got close to, we got into a relationship. This is where my life became even more hell. Things started out good, she seemed caring. After a while she spoke about things sexually. Including others into our sex lives. I wasn't happy with it and we argued, she told me the only way I can be loved or wanted is by allowing these things. So I did. It was hurting me, I went back onto anti-depressants but I allowed it still because I wanted to feel wanted and loved. There came a time where I started drinking and taking drugs to numb myself, one night we drank together and she invited a few guys over. I was drunk and she allowed them to do things to me, sexually assault me, rape me. I kept quiet about it because as a guy I felt so ashamed, pathetic, dirty and disgusting. I felt like I deserved it because of the things I allowed. Eventually the relationship ended and I was in a dark dark place. I attempted suicide via an overdose. I wanted the pain and suffering to go away. I spent time gaming, not because I enjoyed it but to kill time. I could go online and what felt like 30 minutes was really a few hours. It helped time go by. I tried letting people back into my life, new people but I couldn't, I couldn't trust anyone. I felt like I didn't deserve anyone. Then I started talking to this girl and I felt good. I let her in and we got closer and closer. There was times we would speak sexually and I'd bring up getting other people involved. Not because I wanted it, but because in my mind I believed it's the only way for me to be loved and wanted. After each convo about it, I'd cry because I know deep down I wanted to be loved and wanted without these things. She became everything to me, for the first time in my life I felt normal. She would tell me her plans in life and I'd listen, I'd sit there and think about how I'd love to watch her, be by her side as show succeeds. We spent every night calling eachother for hours and hours. Every day I'd tell myself today is the day I tell her about my past but I bottled it every time because I was scared. I was scared to show someone how pathetic, dirty and disgusting I am. I eventually pushed her away. She's gone. There's nothing I want more in this world than a chance to sit her down and explain everything, a chance to show her how good I can be, another chance to grow with her. I'm back to feeling lonely and empty. I hate myself and regret so much in my life. All the things in my past are haunting me. I slept last night contemplating an overdose . I've pushed more people away because I feel like I need to be alone, I can't see myself winning this battle and I don't want them to be hurt once I've gone. I'm going for a walk tonight and I don't want to come back. I want to just be free. I'm so tired.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Dayzee7

Dayzee7

Member
Joined
Nov 18, 2019
Messages
11
Location
USA
When someone loves you deeply, and truly cares for you... they will not care about the past that you had but only about the man you have become. I am truly sorry to hear about all you have endured... life is so cruel, ugly and scary sometimes. I think the more you occupy your time with healthy things and keep motivation in your life for the better that will help you with most of your emotional pain, do something constantly in a healthy manner, a task a job that keeps you moving forward and you can look back on and say i love the man i have become. When you say shes gone.. is it to the point of no return? or is this maybe a relationship you two can reunite and start over fresh on? wishing you all of the best i will try to stay updated here as you post.
 
Z

Zenobia

Active member
Joined
Jul 18, 2020
Messages
28
Location
Canada
I understand a little bit about "the life". In the 1970's I was a drug dealer. It was different then, though, we were all about peace & love & psychic exploration & shit. But I knew some guys who had done time & some who did break-and-enters & stuff like that. Guys who kept a knife in their boot. I had two "wholesalers" & one was a sweet, gentle hippie with hair down to his ass & always went barefoot. My more criminal friends robbed him - all his cash & all his drugs, too. Knowing he wouldn't go to the police. Anyway, I quit drugs. You can, too. You can get away. I kind of had to get all new friends because once I was sober, I found it super depressing to be in those environments. I've been free of drugs except alcohol & mj since 1981.
The sexual assault will need to be dealt with, but my advice is, get rid of the drugs first.
 
Top