I'm scared

blacknwhite

blacknwhite

New member
Joined
May 4, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Germany
#1
Sorry for another post so soon and sorry in advance for the bad content in this post as well as the fact it's gonna be long and all over the place, it's just something I'm scared about and that's been on my mind a lot lately, it's more of a vent then anything really

Without getting too much into it especially because I'm unsure of what I'm dealing with, I haven't gotten a proper diagnosis and don't like to put labels on myself without the proper knowledge and judgment of a professional, but I've been dealing with empathy issues, violent thoughts and homicidal urges for a long time now.
I have a not so shiny past and have mentally hurt other people and physically hurt animals as a small child, though I got help through therapy and I've changed a lot as a person over the past few years and the urges have significantly gotten better and I'm doing my best to be the nicest person I can, the thought of hurting another person horrifies me and I'm disgusted by my past actions
Sometimes though, the urges come back and sometimes things slip out and I have really really horrible thoughts. I haven't done anything bad but accidentally say a stupid thing that is usually quickly forgotten but the problem is that I'm terrified.
I've recently found a wonderful woman I'm in love with, I'm proposing to her this summer and if all goes well we'll be married by next year, we've spoken about having a family and building our future together.
I constantly see stories on the news of men who killed their wives, their families, and I get scared that this is going to be my fate too, that I'm going to fall back into bad urges, that I'm going to kill my wife, that I'm going to kill my family and my most loved ones because of my brain being bad. I'm scared of ruining my own future because of horrible impulsive actions, the thought of hurting her makes me shake and I want to disappear. I can't stop thinking about it, I feel like I'm better and healthy now, but I have no idea how my future is going to be. I'm really scared of doing something I'll severely regret, I'm scared of becoming a monster again and completely lose myself. I don't know what to do to help me deal with those thoughts, I've thought about bringing it up to my girlfriend before but I think that'd be a horrible idea. I don't want to put that thought into her head and I don't want her to feel like she's in danger, plus I don't really think there's much she could do anyways, it's just been making me feel so bad and I don't know what to do anymore
 
B

boots46

Active member
Joined
Apr 22, 2019
Messages
27
Location
UK
#2
Then maybe you are not ready to get married and start a family. You don't say how old you are but what's the rush? Why not talk things through with a therapist. You are absolutely entitled to your privacy about your past, but I married someone who kept a lot of secrets from me which I feel resentful about to this day. It takes time to build trust and security in a relationship.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
4,261
Location
Tigger and Willow's house
#3
Would you act out on your thoughts now?

I saw animal abuse mentioned in your post as well, that's a trigger topic for me so I can;t respond to that, even though you say you was a small kid at the time.
 

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