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I'm scared to death tonight. I feel physically ill.

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DyingUpInHere

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Joined
Jan 31, 2019
Messages
213
Location
White Plains, NY
I don't really want to go anywhere else. I just know I can't survive here in NY. I don't have enough money. And never will. I don't want to spend the rest of my life around so many people, too. There are too many here. I would prefer to go back to the way I used to be - when spending most of my time alone didn't bother me. I don't think that's possible. I remember ten years ago to this day March 6 I was just acclamating to this apartment (having moved in on the 4th two days prior). I pushed myself too hard moving and became sick for days. I was completely overwhelmed. But hopeful then. I knew I'd recover. I wasn't riddled with uncertainty over the future. Or riddled with benzodiazepines. I think that tomorrow for my own physical health at least I will sever all ties with my doctor of five and a half years. And cut off my supply of benzodiazepines. I feel that soon I'll have some form of cancer or disease if I continue to pollute my body. I'm not supposed to die before 35. Or 40.
 
Victorianna

Victorianna

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 8, 2019
Messages
792
Location
California, USA
You will need to taper off benzodiazepines, and also find a new doctor, if you’re quitting this one. Maybe a new perspective is needed for your situation.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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Messages
213
Location
White Plains, NY
At one point when the doctor asks her to say something to see if she can talk after surgery Anne says, "what do you want me to say"? Confirming that she can speak. But the removal of part of her tongue has left her with a speech impediment.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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Jan 31, 2019
Messages
213
Location
White Plains, NY
I used to love seeing clips from movies I never would have seen otherwise in compilations like this one.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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Joined
Jan 31, 2019
Messages
213
Location
White Plains, NY
I don't remember what I said. I must have said I'd discontinue with him. Of course I didn't. I just made sure to get ten Ambien tablets. At very end of the "session" (time would be better spent sweeping the floor of an unfinished basement). I have to get something out it. Otherwise, why bother to go at all? I've lost all hope. I just want to be able to choose when I go to sleep at night. Instead of languishing in bed. If I can make them last, it may serve a real purpose this time around. There is some major deconstruction and reconstruction slated for next week. But it is open ended. I have no idea how long it will go on for. I just know that it will be intolerably loud. So I suppose it's best that even without pills my sleeping patterns have shifted slightly in the last few months. Or the last month. I don't wake up as late in the morning as I used to. And the way it looks now - I'd have to be up earlier than in the past. So it's best that it's already shifted on its own. I only found out a few hours ago. Today. Jackhammers. Knocking down of a retaining wall. Right outside my bedroom window. Not more than fifty feet away. So I'll be listening to it all day. For who knows how long. I'm so whacked out of my brain with worry that I'm actually considering leaving my home and going to a mental hospital. As if it's a retreat. Or a vacation. That's how disconnected from reality I am - and how faulty my thinking is. It's not evena home in my mind. It's just some place where I have no lease, the rent is too high, everything in the apartment is neglected and failing, I hate all of my neighbors, and I hate the entire owners corporation as a whole. For over ten years, they've been trying to drive my mother and I out. I feel like I'm right at the end. The only option is to take out a loan that we'll never pay back and move to some other hole. Where at least everyone else will be a renter, too. At least I've got plenty of drugs. I've been trying to build up a reserve in anticipation of something awful happening. And when you're as troubled and addled with anxiety as I am - anything can end up qualifying as a major disaster. But I've lost all hope. I don't believe anything will get any better. I'm ready to start throwing away my personal belongings. But not my clothes. Or bed. I need those things. I don't want anything else anymore.
 
L

Luna

Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
7
Location
UK
For days, that sixteen seconds has been playing in my head. I wish I'd never started taking benzodiazepines. They've changed my brain so much that I can no longer deal with any reality. I have to stay submerged in fiction and even that's not good enough. I'm suffering everyday. I've got to get away from my psychiatrist. I hope he retires. He's 81. It's possible. I've used these drugs to avoid reality. And I'm paralyzed by the fear of not having them. And by the fear of continuing them. I'm dying either way. Of fear. Just like Martin Brody. The fear of the shark killed him according to his adulterous wife Ellen. She said so in the final film. I found out today that my neighbor from long ago moved to an apartment building a few miles away that I used to stare at all the time while sitting in the cemetery next to it. I would fantasize that a woman named Fuchsia lived somewhere in there and that one day she'd aid in my transition to the other side. But that fantasy is dead. As dead as Jeff Curro's arm in that sling. It's not coming back. I've got a terrible headache today. Terrible. The aftereffects of the miniscule amount of Seroquel, Valium, and Klonopin I took last night. I must have extremely low blood pressure. My pupils were like pinpricks this morning even after coffee. This has got to stop. I should never have been allowed to use benzodiazepines everyday and for years.
Hi,
I've been studying psychology for 2 years now and although I'm not an expert I can understand why you were prescribed benzodiazepines. They basically are supposed to increase the chemical called GABA in the brain, which aims to relax the individual and their muscles meaning that the person has reduced anxiety.

However, you said you use them everyday and for years in fact! And you are quite correct in saying that you should not have been able to take them for so long as benzodiazepines are supposed to be a short term medication and not to be taken longer than 4 weeks! This is because the brain gets used to the drug and so the effect no longer occurs. So I would definitely suggest you stop taking them, but research how to deal with withdrawal symptoms and relapse because that might happen.

Good luck :hug:
 
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DyingUpInHere

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Joined
Jan 31, 2019
Messages
213
Location
White Plains, NY
Thank you for your input. Support. Information. I appreciate it. But we live in a world of (I'm not even sure how to say it). I think that most doctors really have no checks or balances. Except when it comes to high profile highly politicized drugs like narcotics. Or amphetamines. Those are all Schedule II nowadays. Benzodiazepines are still Scheduled IV. There aren't the kinds of limitations placed on them like Schedule II. I've seen many posts on the social anxiety forum I used to frequent where people described being on them for years. And I've seen many (wish I hadn't) posts on illicit forums where users describe the inconceivably high volume of drugs they are taking. Scares the shit out of me. I've seen Michael Jackson's autopsy report (again, wish I hadn't). Every benzodiazepine in existence he was swallowing. Plus, stimulants, sedating antidepressants, and a million more drugs. He was skin and bones. When they opened his stomach they found nothing but partially dissolved or fully dissolved capsules and tablets. He was his own subgenre within the horror genre. I forgot what my point was - I guess it's - I just can't stop right now. But don't have the access or money to buy and devour a Walgreen's. So I'll never be as bad as him. Or Corey Haim. Or Anna Nicole. Or Marilyn Monroe. So I'll survive. I just don't want to end up on neuroleptics one day. I'll keep sipping my chamomile tea and controlling my intake of pills. Somehow. I'm guessing with moral support from my mother - I'll get by. For a few more years. In the meantime, I have to stay away from mental hospitals. And psychiatrists who work in them. I've had a private psychiatrist who accepts Medicare as full payment for the last five and a half years. Soon, when my mom and I leave the NY area for someplace cheaper like Utah or something like that, I'll have to start all over again. And hope I get a doctor who doesn't want to feed me neuroleptics.
 
T

Tottie

Active member
Joined
Mar 10, 2019
Messages
30
Location
Florida
Thank you for your input. Support. Information. I appreciate it. But we live in a world of (I'm not even sure how to say it). I think that most doctors really have no checks or balances. Except when it comes to high profile highly politicized drugs like narcotics. Or amphetamines. Those are all Schedule II nowadays. Benzodiazepines are still Scheduled IV. There aren't the kinds of limitations placed on them like Schedule II. I've seen many posts on the social anxiety forum I used to frequent where people described being on them for years. And I've seen many (wish I hadn't) posts on illicit forums where users describe the inconceivably high volume of drugs they are taking. Scares the shit out of me. I've seen Michael Jackson's autopsy report (again, wish I hadn't). Every benzodiazepine in existence he was swallowing. Plus, stimulants, sedating antidepressants, and a million more drugs. He was skin and bones. When they opened his stomach they found nothing but partially dissolved or fully dissolved capsules and tablets. He was his own subgenre within the horror genre. I forgot what my point was - I guess it's - I just can't stop right now. But don't have the access or money to buy and devour a Walgreen's. So I'll never be as bad as him. Or Corey Haim. Or Anna Nicole. Or Marilyn Monroe. So I'll survive. I just don't want to end up on neuroleptics one day. I'll keep sipping my chamomile tea and controlling my intake of pills. Somehow. I'm guessing with moral support from my mother - I'll get by. For a few more years. In the meantime, I have to stay away from mental hospitals. And psychiatrists who work in them. I've had a private psychiatrist who accepts Medicare as full payment for the last five and a half years. Soon, when my mom and I leave the NY area for someplace cheaper like Utah or something like that, I'll have to start all over again. And hope I get a doctor who doesn't want to feed me neuroleptics.
 
T

Tottie

Active member
Joined
Mar 10, 2019
Messages
30
Location
Florida
"Sipping on chamomile tea and managing meds" is sometimes all we can do. I'm learning to take things day by day, sometimes hour by hour.
 
K

kayclay

Member
Joined
Feb 17, 2019
Messages
17
Location
Minneapolis
I don't remember what I said. I must have said I'd discontinue with him. Of course I didn't. I just made sure to get ten Ambien tablets. At very end of the "session" (time would be better spent sweeping the floor of an unfinished basement). I have to get something out it. Otherwise, why bother to go at all? I've lost all hope. I just want to be able to choose when I go to sleep at night. Instead of languishing in bed. If I can make them last, it may serve a real purpose this time around. There is some major deconstruction and reconstruction slated for next week. But it is open ended. I have no idea how long it will go on for. I just know that it will be intolerably loud. So I suppose it's best that even without pills my sleeping patterns have shifted slightly in the last few months. Or the last month. I don't wake up as late in the morning as I used to. And the way it looks now - I'd have to be up earlier than in the past. So it's best that it's already shifted on its own. I only found out a few hours ago. Today. Jackhammers. Knocking down of a retaining wall. Right outside my bedroom window. Not more than fifty feet away. So I'll be listening to it all day. For who knows how long. I'm so whacked out of my brain with worry that I'm actually considering leaving my home and going to a mental hospital. As if it's a retreat. Or a vacation. That's how disconnected from reality I am - and how faulty my thinking is. It's not evena home in my mind. It's just some place where I have no lease, the rent is too high, everything in the apartment is neglected and failing, I hate all of my neighbors, and I hate the entire owners corporation as a whole. For over ten years, they've been trying to drive my mother and I out. I feel like I'm right at the end. The only option is to take out a loan that we'll never pay back and move to some other hole. Where at least everyone else will be a renter, too. At least I've got plenty of drugs. I've been trying to build up a reserve in anticipation of something awful happening. And when you're as troubled and addled with anxiety as I am - anything can end up qualifying as a major disaster. But I've lost all hope. I don't believe anything will get any better. I'm ready to start throwing away my personal belongings. But not my clothes. Or bed. I need those things. I don't want anything else anymore.
Don't give up hope - you absolutely can get better. There's no question about that. The frustrating thing is that getting better isn't easy (but hey, neither is dealing with severe anxiety, so we can do this). The root of it is that you've trained your mind to respond in a certain way to different situations, and you can retrain it just as well. Easier said than done, of course, but absolutely possible. I've found that I suffer if I sit at home and panic, and I suffer if I go out in public and I panic, so I may as well suffer in the direction of making myself healthier! I'm sorry about the construction - that is really unfortunate. Remember that it won't last, just like every other negative aspect of our lives. Everything is flowing, and changing. Anxiety doesn't last forever. The way you think about things now won't last forever. It's easy to think that you're "too far gone", or that things will never get better, but it's not true. Start taking the tiniest steps towards better mental health practices. Research and try things. Don't expect to just be better out of nowhere when you start. It's like working out - you have to work out for a long time to be really fit. But your body benefits from the very first workout you do - and then you keep building on top of that, and over time, your body gets healthier and healthier every time you do something good for it. You can do this!!
 
D

DyingUpInHere

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jan 31, 2019
Messages
213
Location
White Plains, NY
Thank you, Kay. I'm coming to the realization - not so much realization - more like a nervous breakdown - that I'm going to be changing very soon. I'm either going to continue to ignore my problems like no socialization everyday, serious life threatening depression (at least I think it is, it may not be - there may not be such a thing), fear of everything (interruptions to my routine everyday), not wanting any responsibility at all and feeling like a nothing because of it, never working, never having a spouse or children, and being a leech on SSDI, SNAP, etc and feeling like a useless eater because of it. It's caused me so much anxiety and pain over the last few years that I can't take it anymore. And I've become a drug addict because of these problems. I use benzodiazepines to avoid the reality of daily life, I actively drug seek every two weeks when I see my doctor, and I feel ill everyday around 4 or 5 in the afternoon when it comes time for a re-dosing. I can't deal with any changes in daily activities - in recent months I've even taken it as far as considering my afternoon doctors appointment the next day (2x a month) a reason for increased anxiety and an interruption to my daily routine of doing essentially nothing but walking to a mall 15 minutes away and sitting in various places for hours until dinnertime when I go home. Anybody out there like that? I've even feigned illness over the phone to my doctor when I didn't want to go. But made sure I got my Valium renewed before I hung up. I've taken it too far. And while I have the guilt, shame, miserable feelings about my behavior, I keep doing it everyday. Avoiding all social interaction, ignoring my mother, using drugs to avoid reality, drug seeking, and not participating in any hobbies or activities to fill out the day everyday. No work. No helping others. Nothing. I'm just a horribly selfish specimen of a person. At one visit, my doctor told me that one of his other patients was similar to me. Just sat by himself in his home all day. Had a breakdown. Spent a few weeks in a mental hospital. Then went into assisted living and was much better. Socializing with the other residents at assisted living, participating in activities, etc. He was an elderly man. But I'm not much different than an elderly man. I feel like I'm 80. Even though I'm 34. It will end soon. One way or another. But I need help to accept reality before I can even alter it a bit.
 
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DyingUpInHere

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jan 31, 2019
Messages
213
Location
White Plains, NY
I went on for so long I forgot to finish my first thought. I'm either going to continue to ignore my problems or I'm going to end up like Kim in "Better Call Saul".
 
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