I'm scared to death tonight. I feel physically ill.

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Tottie

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Thank you for your input. Support. Information. I appreciate it. But we live in a world of (I'm not even sure how to say it). I think that most doctors really have no checks or balances. Except when it comes to high profile highly politicized drugs like narcotics. Or amphetamines. Those are all Schedule II nowadays. Benzodiazepines are still Scheduled IV. There aren't the kinds of limitations placed on them like Schedule II. I've seen many posts on the social anxiety forum I used to frequent where people described being on them for years. And I've seen many (wish I hadn't) posts on illicit forums where users describe the inconceivably high volume of drugs they are taking. Scares the shit out of me. I've seen Michael Jackson's autopsy report (again, wish I hadn't). Every benzodiazepine in existence he was swallowing. Plus, stimulants, sedating antidepressants, and a million more drugs. He was skin and bones. When they opened his stomach they found nothing but partially dissolved or fully dissolved capsules and tablets. He was his own subgenre within the horror genre. I forgot what my point was - I guess it's - I just can't stop right now. But don't have the access or money to buy and devour a Walgreen's. So I'll never be as bad as him. Or Corey Haim. Or Anna Nicole. Or Marilyn Monroe. So I'll survive. I just don't want to end up on neuroleptics one day. I'll keep sipping my chamomile tea and controlling my intake of pills. Somehow. I'm guessing with moral support from my mother - I'll get by. For a few more years. In the meantime, I have to stay away from mental hospitals. And psychiatrists who work in them. I've had a private psychiatrist who accepts Medicare as full payment for the last five and a half years. Soon, when my mom and I leave the NY area for someplace cheaper like Utah or something like that, I'll have to start all over again. And hope I get a doctor who doesn't want to feed me neuroleptics.
 
T

Tottie

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"Sipping on chamomile tea and managing meds" is sometimes all we can do. I'm learning to take things day by day, sometimes hour by hour.
 
K

kayclay

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I don't remember what I said. I must have said I'd discontinue with him. Of course I didn't. I just made sure to get ten Ambien tablets. At very end of the "session" (time would be better spent sweeping the floor of an unfinished basement). I have to get something out it. Otherwise, why bother to go at all? I've lost all hope. I just want to be able to choose when I go to sleep at night. Instead of languishing in bed. If I can make them last, it may serve a real purpose this time around. There is some major deconstruction and reconstruction slated for next week. But it is open ended. I have no idea how long it will go on for. I just know that it will be intolerably loud. So I suppose it's best that even without pills my sleeping patterns have shifted slightly in the last few months. Or the last month. I don't wake up as late in the morning as I used to. And the way it looks now - I'd have to be up earlier than in the past. So it's best that it's already shifted on its own. I only found out a few hours ago. Today. Jackhammers. Knocking down of a retaining wall. Right outside my bedroom window. Not more than fifty feet away. So I'll be listening to it all day. For who knows how long. I'm so whacked out of my brain with worry that I'm actually considering leaving my home and going to a mental hospital. As if it's a retreat. Or a vacation. That's how disconnected from reality I am - and how faulty my thinking is. It's not evena home in my mind. It's just some place where I have no lease, the rent is too high, everything in the apartment is neglected and failing, I hate all of my neighbors, and I hate the entire owners corporation as a whole. For over ten years, they've been trying to drive my mother and I out. I feel like I'm right at the end. The only option is to take out a loan that we'll never pay back and move to some other hole. Where at least everyone else will be a renter, too. At least I've got plenty of drugs. I've been trying to build up a reserve in anticipation of something awful happening. And when you're as troubled and addled with anxiety as I am - anything can end up qualifying as a major disaster. But I've lost all hope. I don't believe anything will get any better. I'm ready to start throwing away my personal belongings. But not my clothes. Or bed. I need those things. I don't want anything else anymore.
Don't give up hope - you absolutely can get better. There's no question about that. The frustrating thing is that getting better isn't easy (but hey, neither is dealing with severe anxiety, so we can do this). The root of it is that you've trained your mind to respond in a certain way to different situations, and you can retrain it just as well. Easier said than done, of course, but absolutely possible. I've found that I suffer if I sit at home and panic, and I suffer if I go out in public and I panic, so I may as well suffer in the direction of making myself healthier! I'm sorry about the construction - that is really unfortunate. Remember that it won't last, just like every other negative aspect of our lives. Everything is flowing, and changing. Anxiety doesn't last forever. The way you think about things now won't last forever. It's easy to think that you're "too far gone", or that things will never get better, but it's not true. Start taking the tiniest steps towards better mental health practices. Research and try things. Don't expect to just be better out of nowhere when you start. It's like working out - you have to work out for a long time to be really fit. But your body benefits from the very first workout you do - and then you keep building on top of that, and over time, your body gets healthier and healthier every time you do something good for it. You can do this!!
 
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DyingUpInHere

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Thank you, Kay. I'm coming to the realization - not so much realization - more like a nervous breakdown - that I'm going to be changing very soon. I'm either going to continue to ignore my problems like no socialization everyday, serious life threatening depression (at least I think it is, it may not be - there may not be such a thing), fear of everything (interruptions to my routine everyday), not wanting any responsibility at all and feeling like a nothing because of it, never working, never having a spouse or children, and being a leech on SSDI, SNAP, etc and feeling like a useless eater because of it. It's caused me so much anxiety and pain over the last few years that I can't take it anymore. And I've become a drug addict because of these problems. I use benzodiazepines to avoid the reality of daily life, I actively drug seek every two weeks when I see my doctor, and I feel ill everyday around 4 or 5 in the afternoon when it comes time for a re-dosing. I can't deal with any changes in daily activities - in recent months I've even taken it as far as considering my afternoon doctors appointment the next day (2x a month) a reason for increased anxiety and an interruption to my daily routine of doing essentially nothing but walking to a mall 15 minutes away and sitting in various places for hours until dinnertime when I go home. Anybody out there like that? I've even feigned illness over the phone to my doctor when I didn't want to go. But made sure I got my Valium renewed before I hung up. I've taken it too far. And while I have the guilt, shame, miserable feelings about my behavior, I keep doing it everyday. Avoiding all social interaction, ignoring my mother, using drugs to avoid reality, drug seeking, and not participating in any hobbies or activities to fill out the day everyday. No work. No helping others. Nothing. I'm just a horribly selfish specimen of a person. At one visit, my doctor told me that one of his other patients was similar to me. Just sat by himself in his home all day. Had a breakdown. Spent a few weeks in a mental hospital. Then went into assisted living and was much better. Socializing with the other residents at assisted living, participating in activities, etc. He was an elderly man. But I'm not much different than an elderly man. I feel like I'm 80. Even though I'm 34. It will end soon. One way or another. But I need help to accept reality before I can even alter it a bit.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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I went on for so long I forgot to finish my first thought. I'm either going to continue to ignore my problems or I'm going to end up like Kim in "Better Call Saul".
 
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DyingUpInHere

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It's happening. I'm back to the way I was in 2015 when I started breaking down. I'm so frightened of something that hasn't even happened yet - I don't even know what it's going to be like - and if it's going to happen at all today yet - I've barely slept. I only got in bed less than six hours ago. I'm wide awake now. It's 4 in morning and I'm wide awake. Please someone pray to the Universe, or God that it's over with - either the worst of it - or that it turns out to be not so bad as I anticipated - because the anticipatoryanxiety of it has already decimated me and it hasn't even begun yet. I'll end up in a hospital before the next few daysare over if I can't accept and adapt to what's going to happen around me. Really. This is insane. On my end. I can't control it.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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Funny thing is I was so artificially calm last night when I went to bed. I figured the worst that would happen would be I'd be up around 6. Or 6:30. This is awful. My only fear - besides my sleep becoming worse - is that it will have been all for nothing.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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Again - as sick as it would make me - I wish that I hadn't flushed the Seroquel. But it is a relief to wake up not feeling noticeably physically ill. It could be adrenaline that's keeping me from feeling how bad I really am right now - I woke up with my entire body rumbling and vibrating. As sick as it sounds - and it probably may end up being my downfall - I'm relieved that I began stocking up lately - so I'm due for my next refills in just eleven days. I hope that the worst of this has long passed by then. Otherwise, I'll be in trouble. I'll have to be put away for my own safety. I don't want to end up overdosing.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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Please pray for me that like you said Kay things are changing and feelings are fluid and transient - they can pass. Even before this when I'd have bad nights I'd think to myself everything could be different tomorrow. I don't think I'm going to die tonight (in the past). And I'd always wake up the next day. I don't know if I can feel that way now. They're coming. Eventually. To jackhammer. Imagine you're me and you don't want any changes at all to your daily routine and sleeping habits. And already on my own I've radically altered them just through anticipating a disaster. I'm afraid that they'll damage the foundation of my building and the town will show up with an order to leave under arrest because they've deemed the structure unsafe. I'll be homeless. And in Winter. That's what I'm most afraid of. But anytime I've brought that up to my mom (the voice of reason), it's ridiculous. They're going to be working closer to next building than to ours. I think. I'm afraid to stick around today to see what - if anything - they actually do. I wish was going away. But then I'd suffer all day thinking they're not doing anything and that I left for nothing. I'm a very sick person. Years ago, I used to have similar what seemed like to me unrelenting daily anticipatory anxiety over something absolutely minutia. A family of loudmouths sending charcoal smoke up to my windows for hours sometimes everyday. I never knew when or if they were going to show up or how loud and offensive they'd be - and it drove me nuts to point where my resting heart rate was over 100 sometimes. I used to plan to be home at 5 when I believed they'd show up just so I could observe them. And feel angry. Sick.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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I think of my anxiety as Coach Annie and myself as Rodney. It's the only way I can laugh about how I feel today especially.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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Draw on the fire said
Eat the following foods for a month, and you may see a huge difference in your panic attacks...

Cabbage.
Oranges.
Pecans.
Tofu.
Asparagus.
Kale.
Salmon.
Avocado.
Bananas.

The best food you can eat is natural, and avoid caffeine, booze and drugs that mask the problem


I say my mother loves most of those foods and she is the healthiest 66 year old you'd ever see. Doesn't take any drugs. Doesn't drink. Solves problems. Doesn't leave issues unresolved. I don't do any of that. I try every so often but none of it rubs off on me. I think about her a lot lately because I'm afraid I'm losing the battle with poor mental health and I often say directly to her that I no longer want to continue living. I'm glad I'm not alone in case I begin to come out of this and I love the life she's given me. But I am going under. I'm so tired of greeting every new day with dread and crushing misanthropy, depression and anxiety that keeps me from functioning on the most basic of levels. I don't want to leave her alone. But I'm tired of feeling like everyone in the world is just an adversary I haven't met yet. I'm tired of feeling humiliated by poverty and no life experience. I'm tired of having no one to talk to. I'm even tired of having my phone monitored by 'who knows'. It's so slow to type. All of my keystrokes are being monitored by someone. Most likely just one more person trying to humiliate me.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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Why on Earth am I getting notification that Kristen is following me? What does that mean? Is it entertaining that I'm in the worst pain of my life? Something finally snapped in my wiring and I can barely function at all anymore. I'm in constant fear and terror. This is what drug use, isolation, sensory deprivation, and having perceived and real stress swirling around me everyday has done. I might as well be dead. I'm not coming back from this one. I'll be in a hospital by tomorrow. Then it's bon voyage to my old life. I'll be under lock and key. They'll do anything they want to me. I hope I die from some underlying condition like a bad heart tonight so I don't have to wake up tomorrow.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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I just told my mother that I want to die. And made her cry again. Now she's trying to figure out how to intervene and keep me from dying without turning me over to conventional doctors who'll chemically lobotomize me.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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She wants me off all drugs. In this society. That gives away drugs for free to SSDI/SNAP/Medicare/Medicaid recipients like me. I can't resist them. I can't afford any alternative drug free approach and neither can she. It's hopeless.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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I'm just another casualty of the conventional medical system here. I can't help myself and I can't pay thousands of dollars to a doctor who doesn't use a drug based approach or operate within the conventional system.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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Maybe it's time for the moderator to erase and close this thread. I've gotten nothing out of it. And it's gone nowhere. I've come to the conclusion that if I can continue living I'm going to be suffering for a very long time from benzodiazepine withdrawal combined with the original mental illness. An indignity perpetrated on me by a conconventional doctor who swore an oath to do no harm.
 

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