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I'm scared to death tonight. I feel physically ill.

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DyingUpInHere

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Usually around now at night is when the tickling sensation begins in my brain and the tiredness without calmness starts. Chamomile tea and Valium are usually all that suppress it. And if it's a particularly bad night which most are as of late I don't bother with the tea and just use either the Seroquel or Neurontin. With the Valium. I can't lose access to these drugs. I never improve. And I've pretty much given up lately. I hope to God (the Universe) that he simply laughs at the message she left at my next appointment and gives me more drugs. About a year ago I was almost titrated off everything for a period of time. Then it all kicked into high gear again and before I knew it I was taking three different drugs everyday and night.
 
Victorianna

Victorianna

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I’m sorry you are worried about losing access to your medicines. It would seem to be between you and your doctor, since you are an adult, so try not to be too concerned. I’m sure your doctor will want you on the best treatment that works for you.
 
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kayclay

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How exhausting it is to deal with mental health issues, right?! I really do feel for you. Remember - everything has a beginning, and an end! Take comfort in the fact that there are people who have completely healed from anxiety. It doesn't sound real LOL! But it is! Don't worry about your medication - doctors are trained in helping people with quality of life, and if the medication is helping there's no way they'd take you off of it.

I highly recommend trying meditation. I thought it was a load of BS for a really long time because I couldn't stop focusing on my anxiety while I was listening to it and I would shut it off. My doctor told me to keep trying, and after a while I would be able to take a nice slow breath every once in a while, then I could listen to little pieces of it, etc. I still struggle to get through a whole thing without having any anxiety, but it is definitely relieving for a while, and I can tell it's giving my brain a break. Just something that takes practice before you feel the affects. I've noticed since trying it daily that I have a little better focus throughout my day.

Keep us updated! You are cared for and valued!
 
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DyingUpInHere

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I want to move to Arizona. Some part of it that is not entirely desert.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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I'd like to be in Port Charles. Somewhere fictional. Living on a set.
 
Victorianna

Victorianna

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Is that The Young & The Restless? No way would I want to live there - too much drama!
 
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DyingUpInHere

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It was General Hospital. Back when I used to watch it on SoapNet (when there was a SoapNet years ago) at ten every night before bed. My refuge. Right after Degrassi. On TeenNick. And right after the Factor on Fox News (back when there was a Factor). My routine every night. Now my routine consists of nothing. I felt a great sense of escapism last night watching the film, "Apt Pupil" from 1998. Hadn't seen it in years. I was completely absorbed in it. I want to see the film, "Lost in Yonkers" from 1993 now. But I can't seem to find it anywhere. It's been ages since I've seen it.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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Unfortunately, I can't stop thinking of this. I'm scared to death the world is going to do this to me once they all find out how vulnerable scared I am.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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For days, that sixteen seconds has been playing in my head. I wish I'd never started taking benzodiazepines. They've changed my brain so much that I can no longer deal with any reality. I have to stay submerged in fiction and even that's not good enough. I'm suffering everyday. I've got to get away from my psychiatrist. I hope he retires. He's 81. It's possible. I've used these drugs to avoid reality. And I'm paralyzed by the fear of not having them. And by the fear of continuing them. I'm dying either way. Of fear. Just like Martin Brody. The fear of the shark killed him according to his adulterous wife Ellen. She said so in the final film. I found out today that my neighbor from long ago moved to an apartment building a few miles away that I used to stare at all the time while sitting in the cemetery next to it. I would fantasize that a woman named Fuchsia lived somewhere in there and that one day she'd aid in my transition to the other side. But that fantasy is dead. As dead as Jeff Curro's arm in that sling. It's not coming back. I've got a terrible headache today. Terrible. The aftereffects of the miniscule amount of Seroquel, Valium, and Klonopin I took last night. I must have extremely low blood pressure. My pupils were like pinpricks this morning even after coffee. This has got to stop. I should never have been allowed to use benzodiazepines everyday and for years.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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I miss my cat. I miss my sobriety. I have to see my doctor tomorrow. I'm wondering if I should just end it tomorrow. And no longer see him. It's been 5 and I half years. Even he has suggested I no longer see him.
 
Mayfair

Mayfair

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I want to move to Arizona. Some part of it that is not entirely desert.
I wonder why people want to live somewhere else, as if things would be better?

I do the same.

For me though, I don't know the difference between Arizona and NY (other than it's probably less populated, based on my basic only USA knowledge)

I get this, though, as my other place is an unhabited island (though I'd need a boat/jetty/ money/ and a supermarket at the nearest habited place!)

Perhaps we should all do a huge exchange programme and try out each other's place?! :)

I've been to Manhattan, but wouldn't swap with my current home. It's really good, but too busy for me. Like London, but I liked NY as seemed easier to find my way around with the grid system.
 
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