I'm scared to death tonight. I feel physically ill.

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DyingUpInHere

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#1
I woke up this morning feeling like I'd been drugged. I could barely stand. I was walking into walls. Hitting my head. I went back to sleep hopingit would go away and it didn't. For hours. I finally showered and felt better for a few hours and then the horrible wind and snow came and I couldn't leave my home. I was terrified all night thinking the power was going to go out and I was going to freeze to death. Then a few hours ago, the nausea started and it won't go away. I've been having diarrhea all day. Something is wrong and I have to somehow get through tonight. I don't know how. I usually swallow at least 2 Valium tablets every night and Benadryl. I can't do that feeling this sick. I'll be awake all night if I don't. I'm scared to death. I have a bucket next to my bed in case I vomit. I'm really suffering. And it's well below zero outside. Maybe everything isn't that bad. Perhaps I'll improve enough in the next few hours to get a little drug induced sleep. That's the best case scenario. I just want to get through the night. Without puking. Or suddenly developing a fever. My only thought is that it's food poisoning. But my mom has me scared to death that it's the stainless steel cleaner from an aerosol can that a janitor was spraying while I was doing my laundry in the basement of my apartment building. I should've left immediately but I was afraid to leave my clothes alone with him. Then there was some kind of plumbing emergency in the apartment underneath me for hours last night and who knows what chemicals they were working with - could have been soldering pipes. I'm scared to death. My nasal passages feel weird. My stomach and intestines feel like someone's tying them up making balloon puppets and I feel nauseated. I just want to make it through the night. Without puking.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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#2
Worst part about it is I have my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. I only see him twice a month and there's no way I'm going if I still feel bad tomorrow. And I needed to see him. I'm running out of Valium.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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#3
Make no mistake. This is not panic. It's real sickness. I just don't know what caused it. And I'm scared to death wondering how much worse it's going to get.
 
MeropeneM

MeropeneM

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#4
When's the last time you opened some windows to vent in oxygen?
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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#5
Hi,
I'm sorry your feeling poorly, nausea is horrible. Hope your able to drink small amounts every so often.
It could be a stomach upset, if it doesn't pass see your dr.
Plain ginger biscuits are good for nausea.
Do let us know how you are.
Take care
 
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DyingUpInHere

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#6
I threw up a littlein my mouth this morning at 5. After 5 hours of Valium induced sleep. The previous day I was feeling better. But the nausea returned at night. Faded after the Valium. Then my body wakes me up at 5 to do that. I swallowed some Pepto Bismol. Then, stupidly, more Valium. I couldn't get back to sleep without it. I know all it does is worsen reflux - it's a muscle relaxant. But I didn't care anymore. And boy have I been suffering all day. Nausea, a ton of endless phlegm (inflammation) from the awful damage the reflux is doing coating my throat and nasal passages at the back of my throat, and as usual horrific mind blowing hopelessness and despair all day. I wish the Universe would just take me off the Earth already. Before the vultures and Mengele's of the mental health industry get their Hellraiser-like hooks into me. I don't want to go out on a dozen neuroleptic, antidepressant, etc drugs in an institution one day. I just want to be in that house in the country in the painting on my wall. I don't want anyone around me. I'm sick of people everywhere I turn. I want to be alone for the remainder of my life.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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#7
People are nothing but trouble. You only have to watch the 1994 movie "Nell" to see that. Clearly. In an unadulterated way. I may not ever improve on my own in a bucolic and isolated setting but what difference does it make? I'm in a densely populated city environment now and I'm completely isolated everyday. I want to be next to a lake somewhere in a rural area. Far from drugs. And the Mengele's of the world. And from people. They're nothing but trouble.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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#8
Btw, on a serious note, if it was sickness, some kind of food or chemical poisoning, it doesn't feel so debilitating anymore. And I'm not so scared anymore.
 
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Draw on the fire!

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#9
Eat the following foods for a month, and you may see a huge difference in your panic attacks...

Cabbage.
Oranges.
Pecans.
Tofu.
Asparagus.
Kale.
Salmon.
Avocado.
Bananas.

The best food you can eat is natural, and avoid caffeine, booze and drugs that mask the problem.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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#10
I can't seem to avoid drugs anymore. Almost a year now. I'm on Neurontin right now. Which of course barely helps. I'm wondering if I can take Seroquel with it. I probably won't. Everything you say about food just goes right over my head. I feel like it's too late for me. I'm so afraid. Everyday I search for companionship either by whining like this or using hookup apps and frightening other men.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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#12
I feel worse than ever today. Absolutely no hope. None. I just think about the woods behind the garden apartment building where I lived as a child. I didn't live in the woods. Just to be clear. In the building. And I think about the possibility that I may pass away from natural causes before the end of Winter. I can't think of anything else.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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#13
I think about Jared Kushner buying me as if I were a piece of property. And evicting me from my own body. By way of court order. And billing the Nembutal to my mother.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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#15
Yes, the physical symptoms are not so bad today. Not really at all. This forum seems very different than the social anxiety forum I frequented for years. People seem to care here. Everyone ignored my ramblings there. I'm still very frightened. But that's a daily never ending thing. My mother went through my personal belongings yesterday while I was out of the home and found my Neurontin and Seroquel. She made a call to my doctor and complained that she didn't approve of me taking those drugs. But she doesn't approve of any drugs. Understandably so. But I am dependent. At least psychologically. I'm frightened of my doctor discontinuing with me now. This is not the first time she has called to complain about me. I've been seeing him for five and a half years - longer than any doctor in my life - and I don't want to lose access to the drugs. I don't like either of them. But I can't be without anything.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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#16
Usually around now at night is when the tickling sensation begins in my brain and the tiredness without calmness starts. Chamomile tea and Valium are usually all that suppress it. And if it's a particularly bad night which most are as of late I don't bother with the tea and just use either the Seroquel or Neurontin. With the Valium. I can't lose access to these drugs. I never improve. And I've pretty much given up lately. I hope to God (the Universe) that he simply laughs at the message she left at my next appointment and gives me more drugs. About a year ago I was almost titrated off everything for a period of time. Then it all kicked into high gear again and before I knew it I was taking three different drugs everyday and night.
 
Victorianna

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#17
I’m sorry you are worried about losing access to your medicines. It would seem to be between you and your doctor, since you are an adult, so try not to be too concerned. I’m sure your doctor will want you on the best treatment that works for you.
 
K

kayclay

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#18
How exhausting it is to deal with mental health issues, right?! I really do feel for you. Remember - everything has a beginning, and an end! Take comfort in the fact that there are people who have completely healed from anxiety. It doesn't sound real LOL! But it is! Don't worry about your medication - doctors are trained in helping people with quality of life, and if the medication is helping there's no way they'd take you off of it.

I highly recommend trying meditation. I thought it was a load of BS for a really long time because I couldn't stop focusing on my anxiety while I was listening to it and I would shut it off. My doctor told me to keep trying, and after a while I would be able to take a nice slow breath every once in a while, then I could listen to little pieces of it, etc. I still struggle to get through a whole thing without having any anxiety, but it is definitely relieving for a while, and I can tell it's giving my brain a break. Just something that takes practice before you feel the affects. I've noticed since trying it daily that I have a little better focus throughout my day.

Keep us updated! You are cared for and valued!
 

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