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Im scared that im going to kill myself.

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stephen27898

Active member
Joined
Nov 3, 2019
Messages
41
Location
Southampton
Its all i can think of, i feel so lonely and guilty all day every day, my life is just pain, i really wish i could experience life and enjoy it like all of the people i know but i just cant.

I really dont want to die but i dont have any way of coping with this anymore, i just feel so alone and broken.

I went to a mental health group today and i forgot about my self harm on my arms and when they asked me to cover them up i felt so stupid, i felt like a freak, ive never felt so alone in my life.
 
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Necroticah

Member
Joined
Aug 31, 2011
Messages
19
Hey, I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I have BPD and I struggle with suicidal thoughts very often if not all The time. I came back to this group cause I did not feel good and wanted a place for support, I remember 8 years ago I came hear when I was very suicidal, the ppl on the community was really supportive. I know oh tiring it can be to have to fight against your own thoughts all the time. And how you just reach a point wear it does not feel worth it anymore.

It is amazing how much can happen in 8 years. I Had one small child when I joined this group, And I still wrote about I don't want to keep living not even for my baby anymore, life was just not worth it. And now He is almost turning 10, He has a brother and a small sister And a brother in heaven, I am now married to a great supportive husband, And life is better. Despite me thinking there was no future for me. I even attempted back then. And so thankful I did not die, I was upset that I got helped.

I also self harm I try not to really hard, but sometimes it happens, I have never been asked to cover up, find that odd, you are not a freak. The reason they probably asked you to cover up in case there is someone that they thing strudels with self harm and you might make them want to do that. Some ppl think that way. In my case I have never felt the urge to self harm after seeing self harm, I just think of the pain inside them. Life got a lot better after I sever harmed myself. I got admitted to a mental ward, wear I got a lot of help. The right medication was given to me and that is when I started feeling better.

Its not smooth sailing I still struggle a lot but can tel you it can get better.
Very proud of you for reaching out for help. Sorry they did not make you feel at home but maby you will still find someone there that will make you feel less alone. Have you seen a mental health professional ? Are you on medication for your depression ? But non the less we are hear for you
 
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stephen27898

Active member
Joined
Nov 3, 2019
Messages
41
Location
Southampton
Hey, I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I have BPD and I struggle with suicidal thoughts very often if not all The time. I came back to this group cause I did not feel good and wanted a place for support, I remember 8 years ago I came hear when I was very suicidal, the ppl on the community was really supportive. I know oh tiring it can be to have to fight against your own thoughts all the time. And how you just reach a point wear it does not feel worth it anymore.

It is amazing how much can happen in 8 years. I Had one small child when I joined this group, And I still wrote about I don't want to keep living not even for my baby anymore, life was just not worth it. And now He is almost turning 10, He has a brother and a small sister And a brother in heaven, I am now married to a great supportive husband, And life is better. Despite me thinking there was no future for me. I even attempted back then. And so thankful I did not die, I was upset that I got helped.

I also self harm I try not to really hard, but sometimes it happens, I have never been asked to cover up, find that odd, you are not a freak. The reason they probably asked you to cover up in case there is someone that they thing strudels with self harm and you might make them want to do that. Some ppl think that way. In my case I have never felt the urge to self harm after seeing self harm, I just think of the pain inside them. Life got a lot better after I sever cut myself. I got admitted to a mental ward, wear I got a lot of help. The right medication was given to me and that is when I started feeling better.

Its not smooth sailing I still struggle a lot but can tel you it can get better.
Very proud of you for reaching out for help. Sorry they did not make you feel at home but maby you will still find someone there that will make you feel less alone. Have you seen a mental health professional ? Are you on medication for your depression ? But non the less we are hear for you
I was on medication, i didnt like how it made me feel, i am seeing professionals, i dont have BPD or anything like that, i do have ADHD and autism meaning my childhood at best was broken and i didnt really the chance to form as a person im 21 but im just so exhausted, i dont feel young at all, but yet at the same time i feel like a child because i dont really live an adult life, inlive with my parents wich i hate.
 
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Necroticah

Member
Joined
Aug 31, 2011
Messages
19
Medication is unfortunately a trail and er error, I had a lot of pills That did not react well with me. It is your to get medication right and dosage right. I am still not there but feel positive about the new medication. Maby consider finding something els that would make you feel a bit better. I honestly felt super bad on anti depressants. But There was one i had that worked well after I lost my son. Loosing a child I think is any moms worst nightmare.
I guess so its also important how you not keeping on fighting will leave lot of ppl broken. For me grief never went away.

21 is still really young. And must also say my most changeling years in life was around your age. I am not that old I just turned 30. I can not relate with Autism, But would love to understand it better. As I know a lot about it but never what it must be like from your point of the world. Like I know a lot off ppl Dont know how I see the World with BPD. I can relate to being exhausted of trying. I was diagnosed as ADHD when I was in school was on Ritalin for many years, But I either learnt to live with it or out grew it some how cause its not such a big challenge in my life as it was in school. But I can imagen how hard it is to live with your parents and the freedom you probably crave.

Gona try give you pointers I got in hospital, Hope they will help you. Might sound like basic knowledge that we suppose to do but we don't

Do you keep your life in balance ? I learnt about the input and output of your life. To keep it balanced. It sound silly But make a difference.
Make sure you keep eating a balanced meal, sleep well ( I know that might be a bit of a hard one But lack of sleep can really make your mental state worse ) And try to exercise at least for 15 - 20 min a day ( also a hard one, I preach but I don't always do it, But I try ) You will be amassed how exercise specially in morning can lift your mood. And I know it is the last thing you want to do. But I was told in depressed state to do the opposite of what i want. Exercise is normally the one.

Then you need to negate the negative out put you get in your life. You normally get from a social part of your life. The one aria in your life that you have no control of. It is ppl and what they do or say. But You can control how you react to them or how they make you feel.
You negate this By imputing positivity into your "Soul" If you have to put it that way. By Listening to music that builds you and make you feel good when you listen to you. Also if you are religious, fill your life with praying or what ever makes you feel good.
Do some activity that you enjoy but one that you have to concentrate so hard you forget about all your bad feelings. This gives your brain some recharge time. Bored games for me helps a lot. I invested in some interesting games like zombicide transforming mars over years.
And last one is to spend time with ppl that make you feel good after you were with them, and limit your contact with ppl that drain you, You don't need that. I now we cant always delete those ppl in our life but try to limit how often or how long you spent with them.
 
megirl

megirl

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
7,493
Location
NZ
I know for me I've felt like dying wanting to end my life.
I know once I am suddenly scared of myself and don't trust my self and/or my actions I really need to get help to save me from ending up dead.
Being under the mental health act
sounds scary but to keep you safe its better than ending up dead.
So please get help now
 
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carocaro

Member
Joined
Nov 14, 2019
Messages
10
Location
New Orleans
I'm also 21 and dealing with depression. I don't have any scars but sometimes when I show even the slightest slip into a darker place my roommate asks if she needs to take all the knives out of the house and I feel like a freak anyways. Honestly if people make you feel bad about what you went through, it's just because they don't understand how dark things can get and clearly don't bother to be compassionate to people who are trying to heal. I hope eventually you can embrace your scars as a constant reminder of all the hardship you overcame. You're so strong and people should never try to take that away from you. Sending love ❤
 
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JamFRUK

Active member
Joined
Nov 2, 2019
Messages
27
Location
London
Its all i can think of, i feel so lonely and guilty all day every day, my life is just pain, i really wish i could experience life and enjoy it like all of the people i know but i just cant.

I really dont want to die but i dont have any way of coping with this anymore, i just feel so alone and broken.

I went to a mental health group today and i forgot about my self harm on my arms and when they asked me to cover them up i felt so stupid, i felt like a freak, ive never felt so alone in my life.
It's possible they asked you to cover it because people can feel triggered by seeing it. I SH too and I know I would.

If you are feeling hopeless and truly on the tipping point, please refer to A&E. Tell them you are feeling very suicidal and you need to keep safe. It's not ideal but you need external, active help and this board isn't enough. If you have a team of professionals working with you, please tell them how you feel and they can refer you to a psych ward. It's not the best place on earth but at least you can be in a controlled environment to keep yourself safe.
 
J

JamFRUK

Active member
Joined
Nov 2, 2019
Messages
27
Location
London
Addendum to the above, if you feel really low you do need medication. I can relate to your above posts, I just started antidepressants for the first time, it's not perfect but they do help low mood. Talk about it with your doctor so they can review your medication. Truth is people with depression can have out of whack brain chemicals and that cannot be fixed with therapy or talking. Meds can help tons to get you out of this "seeing all through dark lenses" phase. It's necessary to your recovery.
 
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celticlass

Well-known member
Joined
May 7, 2011
Messages
558
Location
Scotland
I guess it is psychological input that will maybe help best when you have dealt with this particularly rough patch then. I take it you do not have any degree of intellectual disability with your autism? My 39 year old son has, Unfortunately he was misdiagnosed al those years ago and we only found out 2 years ago. Consequently he lived independently from 16 and has always struggled. He has no friends, Sustained lots of abuse in the community - serious stuff. So it is not all bleak. You know your diagnosis, you are 21 and ready to launch yourself at this world! There are specialist agencies who can guide you towards housing with a support plan in place, community and educational/recreational opportunities. Perhaps you could do with some Advocacy support to speak to and with your parents. Start and build your dream.
 
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