im scared s***less of living anymore ,

J

jeztepes

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Jan 10, 2015
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I am now hiding in holes, i dont want to deal with life , work, conversation , people, relationships, money, food, and i certainly dont want to travel or run away , its no good you cant escape the monster in your own mind ,,,,if a maniac jihadist cut my head off he would ironicly be doing me a big favour ,,,,

i hate myself so much ,,
 
Nikita

Nikita

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Jeztepes:hug1:sorry you feel like withdrawing from the world.Maybe you need to take a break,stop work for a couple of weeks and just chill if you can.My thoughts and prayers are with you to help you through this difficult time.Nikitax
 
queenpink

queenpink

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I am so sorry you are going through a hard time :hug::hug:
 
nonotme

nonotme

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same here, do you know what it is that you hate so much?

shall I start? my size, my looks, my anger, my hate, my head, my lifes, my lazyness, my depression, my daughter, my family.

see I hate everything.
 
L

lpdorch54

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Jun 23, 2015
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I am sorry you are having such a bad time. It is not fair that our heads go so bad and ruin our lives. I know what you mean about not wanting anything. I have gone backwards again and just don't want to go out. It is a nightmare outside. Hope your bad head soon gets a bit better so you can do some things.
 
S

sporadic

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Been there, I was sick of all the stress of keeping up with so many different things and just tried to find solace in the possibility of it all somehow coming to an end. I don't know if it sounds weird but thinking like that actually made me feel better. I sort of developed a habit of unconsciously hopping onto the morbid thoughts train and over the years it did more damage to my personality than I can understand, I let small issues develop into complex problems in my brain instead of fighting them that contributed to a number of major depressive episodes. I found it very difficult to crawl out of the hole that I had dug for myself by breaking away from reality.

If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to just simplify my life, focus on the basic necessities and start getting rid of things that introduce unnecessary stress in my life, e.g I used to care way too much about what other people thought of me, about being interesting, choosing each and every word that I said and making everything much more complex than it had to be. It has been more than 4 years since I last had prolonged thoughts about dying and I wish I had been stronger back then.

I would suggest you to try to do the same thing, just try to simplify life as much as you can, its not going to be easy to identify those things but keep trying and don't lose hope.
 
J

jeztepes

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I have hated myself so long ,but i dont really understand why ,

I have no foundations , so every good thing in my life is built on rotten foundations ,
 
L

lpdorch54

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I am lucky to have a husband and son but still when my head gets bad I don't care and want out. I understand what you are saying about rotten foundations so you are going to have to start your life from now and find something new to build on. It might be a new friend or one of my friends has just got a dog or a new place to live. Or doing different work you can try to enjoy. My friends I have met since being ill keep me going I find it too hard to meet people I used to work with because I still want to be there working. Please try to think of something you could start to build on
 
fate_w_g

fate_w_g

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I want out of this world too. I just can't go on anymore everyone would be better off without me. I know how you feel and can understand your thinking.
 
L

lpdorch54

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I am told by everyone how selfish it is to commit suicide. Not only for people who find you but apparently it can start it being hereditary in your family. When my head goes and I get chance I don't care about all of that, [removed] but when I stop and think first I realise I don't want a day in A&E and my husband cross calling me selfish. I say everyone would be better off without me and a nuisance but people just deny it
 
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J

jeztepes

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Jan 10, 2015
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I have been in intensive residential therapy for last 8 days and have made some breakthroughs ,,, its going to be a long painful hard journey back to living but I may have a chance as some things have become clearer to me ?????
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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So pleased to hear that jeztepes! I'm so glad you've had this help, you deserve it, you really do. You sound realistic about there being a long road ahead of you, but you're right you do have a chance, and there is hope that the future can be better now that some things are looking clearer to you. Seriously chuffed to hear this, and all the very best with the road ahead. Do keep talking here, support is good when you're on a journey :peace:
 
J

jeztepes

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Jan 10, 2015
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Its like I have been an addict for last 40 years ,, not to drugs ,drink, gambling etc no nothing as simple as that ..... but to a pattern of negative thinking so I now reckon im an addict and somehow that helps me to see certain paths and issues more clearly ...

problems I have to tackle are ,, getting a job ,, where is my home ???,,, staying grounded in the now , living without my mental armour such as deflection ,bullshit and ego ,,,just being imyself with no illusions .
 
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