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I'm scared now

BlueBerry

BlueBerry

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I had a really awful day today filled with wild mad violent urges and impulses. I had an appointment with the doctor again today and I was completely honest with her and told her the truth about how I was feeling.

I told her about how all my old friends hate me now and how the ring leaders of the group are the ones who have bee spreading horrible things about me to everyone in Uni.

I told her that I had very real impulses and intentions to attack and kill these ringleaders, and now the mental health assessment people are coming back in about 30 mins to talk to me again.

I think I'v egot to be 100 percent honest with them now and I'm terrified that I'm going to be taken away and locked up at the end of it.

I never should have told my GP the truth, I should've just sucked it up and said I was coping well. Now I feel like I've really spilled the beans and I can't go back now. :panic:
 

MarlieeB

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Well done for being honest BB. Hopefully now you will get the help you need quicker.

Please keep us posted of how it goes.

Are you still at the GP's?

Hug, massive Non Stinging Bee :hug5:'s

xxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
BlueBerry

BlueBerry

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No, I'm sitting down in a quiet study area on the Uni campus trying to stay away from people.

I'm heading back up to the GP in 5 mins.

Kinda terrified.
 

MarlieeB

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I'm not surprised you are terrified.

Of course I can't be there in real life but I am there, in spirit, Hugging you.

xxxxxxxx
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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Well done for being honest with your gp. I think it more likely you'll get referal to more specialised help with your mh. The worry about what might happen is most often worse than what does happen Blueberry. I :hug1:
 
BlueBerry

BlueBerry

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I'd better not mention that to the doctor.

Me: "It's okay, Marliee is here giving me hugs."

Doc: "Is this Marliee here now?"

Me: "Of course, she's always with me in spirit, giving me hugs."

Doc: "I see... well she sounds like a... lovely woman."

Me: "Oh she's not a woman. She's a big purple bumble bee with a cheeky smile."

Doc: "..."
 
V

Viktoria

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Hope you're okay. Hugs xxx
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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I think ultimately you've done the right thing and have been really courageous to be honest to the doctor about how you're feeling.
Hope the assessment goes as good as can be expected. Thinking of you and hope you can get the support you need. :hug1:
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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I suffer with violent urges, unfortunately i struggle to control mine and told my Dr this and I'm allowed to still walk the streets ;) My house is full of things I broked and attacked. :hug1: I gone back on beta blockers and things are less angry but I did do a bad thing too. Ive imagined smashing my bfs face in when he annoys me and I just have to remove myself. I hope the team get you the help you need soon.
 
BlueBerry

BlueBerry

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Not feeling too good now.

They decided to put me on diazapan to see if that does nything to dull the violent impulses. I've never taken medication before, so I'm a bit worried about how its going to affect me.
They also decided to contact the hospital and see if they can move my appointment with the clinical psychologist to a much nearer date.

I know labels are just labels, but I'd really like a diagnosis so I know what's wrong with me and I'll be able to really start trying to help myself. I dunno what I'm really suffering from right now so I don't know what to do.

As I was leaving the doctors, the girl I hate and despise the most in the world (the main ringleader of the BlueBerry-hate club) walked right past me staring at the ground, trying not to make eye contact. She walked alone down a dark well hidden path with lots of trees and bushes and it would have been the ideal place to get rid of her once and for all.

Unfortunately (or fortunately?) I just couldn't move my legs to follow her. It would have been so easy to do her in right there. But I hesisated for too long because I just wasn't prepared for her at that momment. I tried following a few mins later, but she was gone.

My angry inner voice is berating me quite harshly now. My worst enemy was given to me on a silver platter and I didn't do anything. I'm in a real state of self-loathing now and I can already tell I'm not getting any sleep tonight. This missed oppurtunity is going to haunt me and obsess me.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Thanks for giving us an update.:hug1:
Just wanted to say that diazepam can make you very drowsy, so if you do take it, chances are you might actually sleep better.
In a way, i'm pleased you didn't react to seeing someone you really dislike. At the end of the day, you could end up in trouble with the police and you don't need that stress in your life.
I hope you're not left waiting too long and that the appointment can be brought forward quickly.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Depends what dose, im surprised they gave you diazepam's as the benzo doo dahs are supposed to be addictive. Have they said to take as needed?
 
BlueBerry

BlueBerry

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Depends what dose, im surprised they gave you diazepam's as the benzo doo dahs are supposed to be addictive. Have they said to take as needed?
They said two just take two a day at most. Take when needed.

I'm so pissed that I didn't kill that bitch when I had the chance. I'm so angry at my own hesitation and weakness now.
It's like theres a schism in my mind between the soft, gentle and sentimental side and the angry, furious murderous side. My soft side hesitated to take action, and my violent side is furious with me now.
 

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