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I'm scared I'm going backwards.

E

emma_

Member
Joined
Dec 2, 2014
Messages
6
I'm not sure if "trigger warnings" are the norm here, but I'm putting one anyway.
So, just be aware...

So, I'm new. I just made my introduction post...

I'm here because well, I'm terrified.
I've made so much "progress", but recently I'm starting to get "old thoughts" again...
I guess they're not really old thoughts, they've always been there, but whereas since I was 18/19 (I'm 23 now), they've been like "whispers", now I can feel them screaming at me.

I've struggled with my weight due to various reasons since I was 13, so yeah.. 10 years. It hasn't been so bad the last couple of years, until now.

I skipped a meal today, I lied again by saying I'd eaten out.

I'd been home alone all day, torturing myself, I was sat looking in the mirror just picking faults.

Then I went for a bath, I put the same song on repeat, and I sat there for like 2 hours, just screaming/crying. I was hysterical. In that moment I just wanted to die, I hated myself.

I'm so scared. :(
 
Davey Blueeyes

Davey Blueeyes

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 22, 2013
Messages
756
Location
Isle of Wight
Thoughts are just thoughts sweetie, they can't hurt you and they mean nothing.

It's okay to be scared but you are with friends here and it's all gonna be okay!

Plus you are UNCONDITIONALLY lovely and gorgeous, regardless of how you feel about yourself, okay!

Davey x
 
E

emma_

Member
Joined
Dec 2, 2014
Messages
6
I know, it's just thoughts I haven't had really for so long, that made me extremely ill and irrational with my behaviour resurfacing that scare me.

I can't go back to where I was.

At my lowest, I was in hospital, my weight that low that my parents were told I was so ill my body was essentially "shutting down" and that I would be lucky to survive.

Coming through that was one of the toughest and hardest things I have ever done, and I know I don't have the strength to go through that again.

& thank you :)
 
D

diabolicalme

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 10, 2014
Messages
126
Location
London
Hiya, sounds so scary - has anything changed in your life recently to set these thoughts off again? Anything different for you right now?

Also, just wondering whether you can talk to your parents, are they likely to be supportive? That might be a tricky one for you. Or do you still have contact with anyone from ED service?

At least you recognise that you're starting to lie about skipping meals. And that your thoughts are starting to spiral back down this route..please don't let your behaviour escalate downwards again, please try to talk to someone around you about this. I'm relieved that you're aware of what is happening AND scared about it all repeating like before, as that's a big step and big determination to not letting it. But you DO NEED SUPPORT for this.

Take care, you're precious. xxx
 
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