W
wasteman420
Well-known member
i'm starting to lose hope. Ive really fucked myself over with my life choices and whatever i do now i'm going to end up in tens of thousands of debt, the concept of which makes me incredibly depressed. I can't live with the knowledge that all my earnings are just gunna go straight to paying for some stupid fucking degree that i shouldn't have even started in the first place. I don't even want to work in the creative industry anymore. I've lost all passion and motivation thanks to a combination of immense workload and academic pressure plus the pandemic. My alternative is work a soulless retail job for the rest of my life to pay off debts and bills because i'm unqualified to do anything else.
i've desperately been trying to be more positive lately and thought i'd finally turned my mindset around recently until last week something just flipped inside my brain and i fell back into a pit of doom and despair. My anxiety symptoms are worse than ever before and I'm starting to really fear for my health as i'm constantly nauseous and shakey and can barely eat & when i do it's no fun as i know it'll either come straight back up or go straight through me. I cant live with the digestive symptoms anymore, it's my pet peeve, it makes me feel disgusting, gets in the way of doing anything or going anywhere and because it's such a significant part of my life it's always on my mind and therefore i'm anxious about it which perpetuates the problem. i'm just going round in fucking circles.
this is fucked up but a little buried part of myself just wishes i would get a terminal illness so i can live out my limited time without the looming stress of student debt and lack of life prospects, and have time to say goodbye to my family who will know there was nothing they could've done to prevent it. if i killed myself my family and friends would forever blame themselves for not doing more to save me so i just couldn't put them through that, especially considering my sister attempted suicide multiple times last year and my Mum is only just recovering from that scare.
im so miserable and at a loss and repulsed by myself i don't know how i'm ever going to live a normal life or come to terms with this.
i've desperately been trying to be more positive lately and thought i'd finally turned my mindset around recently until last week something just flipped inside my brain and i fell back into a pit of doom and despair. My anxiety symptoms are worse than ever before and I'm starting to really fear for my health as i'm constantly nauseous and shakey and can barely eat & when i do it's no fun as i know it'll either come straight back up or go straight through me. I cant live with the digestive symptoms anymore, it's my pet peeve, it makes me feel disgusting, gets in the way of doing anything or going anywhere and because it's such a significant part of my life it's always on my mind and therefore i'm anxious about it which perpetuates the problem. i'm just going round in fucking circles.
this is fucked up but a little buried part of myself just wishes i would get a terminal illness so i can live out my limited time without the looming stress of student debt and lack of life prospects, and have time to say goodbye to my family who will know there was nothing they could've done to prevent it. if i killed myself my family and friends would forever blame themselves for not doing more to save me so i just couldn't put them through that, especially considering my sister attempted suicide multiple times last year and my Mum is only just recovering from that scare.
im so miserable and at a loss and repulsed by myself i don't know how i'm ever going to live a normal life or come to terms with this.
