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i'm scared i'll end up killing myself if i don't drop dead from stress first

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wasteman420

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i'm starting to lose hope. Ive really fucked myself over with my life choices and whatever i do now i'm going to end up in tens of thousands of debt, the concept of which makes me incredibly depressed. I can't live with the knowledge that all my earnings are just gunna go straight to paying for some stupid fucking degree that i shouldn't have even started in the first place. I don't even want to work in the creative industry anymore. I've lost all passion and motivation thanks to a combination of immense workload and academic pressure plus the pandemic. My alternative is work a soulless retail job for the rest of my life to pay off debts and bills because i'm unqualified to do anything else.

i've desperately been trying to be more positive lately and thought i'd finally turned my mindset around recently until last week something just flipped inside my brain and i fell back into a pit of doom and despair. My anxiety symptoms are worse than ever before and I'm starting to really fear for my health as i'm constantly nauseous and shakey and can barely eat & when i do it's no fun as i know it'll either come straight back up or go straight through me. I cant live with the digestive symptoms anymore, it's my pet peeve, it makes me feel disgusting, gets in the way of doing anything or going anywhere and because it's such a significant part of my life it's always on my mind and therefore i'm anxious about it which perpetuates the problem. i'm just going round in fucking circles.

this is fucked up but a little buried part of myself just wishes i would get a terminal illness so i can live out my limited time without the looming stress of student debt and lack of life prospects, and have time to say goodbye to my family who will know there was nothing they could've done to prevent it. if i killed myself my family and friends would forever blame themselves for not doing more to save me so i just couldn't put them through that, especially considering my sister attempted suicide multiple times last year and my Mum is only just recovering from that scare.

im so miserable and at a loss and repulsed by myself i don't know how i'm ever going to live a normal life or come to terms with this.
 
PetitPois

PetitPois

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Hi @wasteman420 I'm really sorry you feel so much despair right now 😢

I have had those thoughts about a terminal illness in the past. I felt guilty for thinking it, but at the time it seemed like it would be some sort of relief.

I have gone through all sorts of mental hell and things have got better. Not perfect, I still have my mental illness, but better. Hang in there, you have been in a position where things weren't as overwhelming for you as they are right now. In time you may feel like that again.

That must have been awful for you too, seeing your sister in that state. It can't have been easy for any of you.

Keep talking on the forum, hopefully it will help you :hug:
 
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mfb10

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Feb 9, 2021
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Hi @wasteman420. You are brave for posting this because I am sure there are countless other people that feel similar and have similar wishes. I couldn't help but to think when I read your post that you are strong and are just letting your worries defeat you. I mean, I know that sounds simple and sort of a bit too optimistic, but in a sense your issues are what they are so worrying only makes them worse. You have the ability to get out of these problems and you are aware of them. It seems like what is holding you back is the first step of accepting it. There is no time like tomorrow to start to work out your plan to fix this problem. No problem is too big. No problem doesn't have a solution. You just need faith in knowing that happiness awaits you and then you can make it happen. Read your own post and you will see that you can do it once you accept it. Then once you know that, you can eliminate the worry and just move forward to find happiness. After all, it is only money - seriously - think of it that way - it is only money. I hope my perspective helps. Keep talking about it because your openness is refreshing.
 
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wasteman420

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UK
Hi @wasteman420. You are brave for posting this because I am sure there are countless other people that feel similar and have similar wishes. I couldn't help but to think when I read your post that you are strong and are just letting your worries defeat you. I mean, I know that sounds simple and sort of a bit too optimistic, but in a sense your issues are what they are so worrying only makes them worse. You have the ability to get out of these problems and you are aware of them. It seems like what is holding you back is the first step of accepting it. There is no time like tomorrow to start to work out your plan to fix this problem. No problem is too big. No problem doesn't have a solution. You just need faith in knowing that happiness awaits you and then you can make it happen. Read your own post and you will see that you can do it once you accept it. Then once you know that, you can eliminate the worry and just move forward to find happiness. After all, it is only money - seriously - think of it that way - it is only money. I hope my perspective helps. Keep talking about it because your openness is refreshing.
"only money", yes, only the thing that dictates this entire society and determines one's quality of life.

Anxiety causes excessive worrying, it's not something i have any control over so I cannot simply "stop worrying", it's hard-wired into me. Might as well be telling a homeless person to just buy a house - it's really not that simple.

thanks for the kind words anyway
 
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pokerfish12

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Dec 19, 2020
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I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

May I ask what degree you're studying? Creativity will be very much in demand in the future as it is difficult to automate. things like design jobs, game developers/artists, etc
 
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mfb10

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"only money", yes, only the thing that dictates this entire society and determines one's quality of life.

Anxiety causes excessive worrying, it's not something i have any control over so I cannot simply "stop worrying", it's hard-wired into me. Might as well be telling a homeless person to just buy a house - it's really not that simple.

thanks for the kind words anyway
I am sorry that my response upset you. I understand what you are saying about money and how it dictates these things. I was trying to give you a different perspective because money can become an idol. I was trying to maybe help you see it from a different point of view - to take some of the power that money has over you. But I am sorry that my response was so off topic for you. I was just trying to help you see maybe something different.
 
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wasteman420

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I am sorry that my response upset you. I understand what you are saying about money and how it dictates these things. I was trying to give you a different perspective because money can become an idol. I was trying to maybe help you see it from a different point of view - to take some of the power that money has over you. But I am sorry that my response was so off topic for you. I was just trying to help you see maybe something different.
it's okay, i'm sorry i was kinda harsh there... i'm just feeling a lot of anger and resentment for society & the world we live in rn and financial anxiety is overwhelming me.
 
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wasteman420

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Nov 3, 2020
Messages
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UK
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

May I ask what degree you're studying? Creativity will be very much in demand in the future as it is difficult to automate. things like design jobs, game developers/artists, etc
I'm studying animation. I really enjoyed my first year but the i was unable to cope with the combination of increased workload + pandemic stress and limited in-person classes in the second year and pretty much entirely lost my passion for art. I know there's an ever growing industry for animation and motion graphics but my heart just isn't in it and i have an incredibly hard time doing things that i dont want to do/dont enjoy doing. And whenever there's any pressure to succees/make money off somthing i enjoy then it takes all the fun out of it and i end up hating it and being unable to function. I don't know how i'm supposed to make a living like this :(
 
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mfb10

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it's okay, i'm sorry i was kinda harsh there... i'm just feeling a lot of anger and resentment for society & the world we live in rn and financial anxiety is overwhelming me.
You don't need to apologize. I may have been too flippant in my "only money" comment. I think one thing that could help you is that you mentioned your anger toward our society and world we live in. Maybe you need to look to a higher power that give you comfort and peace. I read something today that said "it is the size of your god not the size of the giants that count." Meaning, if whatever you rely on, i.e., whatever is a god to you, big enough to slay your giants, ie., your troubles? Thinking about that may help you find answers.
 

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