I'm remembering and with the memories come the pain....

Raina Walks

Raina Walks

Well-known member
Joined
May 11, 2011
Messages
2,403
#1
At 42 years old...I am in so much pain and am so depressed that I cannot work. I have what my doctors call chronic PTSD ... it has affected my life especially my ability to go to work and to school...I finished college but I suffered the whole way...my nerves were shot by the end of it and I was popping anti-anxiety medication like there was no tomorrow...looking back they did not really help...I still hurt..

I remember sitting in class hurting in much the same way I am hurting now except then I felt the pain in my abdomen and now I feel it in my head...

I am really looking into myself and am facing the memories bravely and writing about what I remember and how I felt be it mad, hurt or sad...I went to bed very angry last night as I remember parts of my life and how traumatic and hurtful...people picking on me just because they knew I had no support system...I was already hurting because I was alone and they just made it worse.

I am in therapy but it is only twice a month. This fall I will be attending a lot of group therapy and honestly I am hurting now and expect to continue to hurt just as much if not more as things come up in group.

I don't have any friends so I am very isolated which adds to the pain. Sometimes I would feel better if I just had someone to talk to about whatever to distract from the pain. Today I sat in my apartment alone and felt a need to have someone else present. I did not think that hospital would be a good call...I hate it in there..I am always scared on the ward even on the women's ward...so I would rather stay home.

I have not left home for four days and go out only when I have appointments which have been few over the summer. I know I will be meeting more people in the fall but I am very lonely now.

I keep looking into myself to see what is causing me to feel so low that I cannot exercise or do anything ongoing without pain or forcing myself and then having to stop because I feel too overwhelmed...there seems to be a lot of pain stored in my mind and body...

I read courage to heal...I read other books on trauma and did the exercises but more and more comes up and when I work through the many lists that are exercises in the books I don't know what to do with what I learn about myself. My only guess is that I have to work to change how I am in the world and not let the years of abuse win...but that will take time ... just remembering what hurts also takes time and when I remember I hurt so badly .... at least now I still bid the memories come...I am ready for the pain and if it kills me I am ready for that too.

I used to be afraid to die but I am not any more...not that I am suicidal...I am not but I am not afraid of death anymore...maybe that is what gives me courage to face life. Just wish the pain would diminish. I have been hurting like this for as long as I can remember...wish there was an end to the pain...but 42 years...I can only hope...

Am I alone...or does anyone have these same things happening too?
 
pentagram

pentagram

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 1, 2010
Messages
2,110
Location
Lake District
#2
Does it help to know you are not alone? We are always on our own because everyones experiences are their own, I don't think there is anyone on this forum who have experienced what I have. We are all unique, and though we can offer empathy it doesn't take the pain away.

One real thing that helps me are the few (very few) close friends I have who are willing to put up with me and support me in my pain.

I was diagnosed with depression in 1998 but I only found out that they thought I had chronic PTSD at the same time, this year when I requested to see my mental health notes from that time. my present therapists are more upfront about my diagnosis but as I seem to have used up my allocated NHS therapy time it looks like I am on my own again. I am not sure whether knowing what is wrong with me helped or not but it helped send me in the direction of some self help books which have helped me.

I have only this year remembered partly what happened to me, through endless flashbacks and painful body memories.

I know what you mean about death and agree with you.

I hope you find peace sometime.
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
41,077
Location
Lancashire
#3
Hiya Raina Walks

I am 55 and yes, I get where you are coming from. My experiences are very different from yours, and I was not abused, but pain so bad that you cannot move, yes. When I was so ill in the last two years, my head pounded all day and even in the night, my arms and legs, abdomen and chest constantly hurt. I was storing all the pain in my body, it was the only place left to do it.

I know it hurts like hell, but getting it out, letting your brain hear it over and again until it gets boring, is the way my therapist is taking me. So far it has largely worked, although I am a work in progress. If you are not afraid of death now, then that takes one major obstacle away. I remember getting to that point and realising that I had nothing to lose so I may as well start to heal. That was back when I was 23. I did not fully heal, but I was able to lead a productive life and bring two children up. It was not easy, but every time my mind decided to throw another rock into my brain, I learnt to try to find time to sit down and face it.

I am diagnosed with bipolar which complicated my problems, but it is possible to live fairly well. I think it was Mao who said the longest journey starts with one step. The pain can diminish and go, slowly and gradually. I have not experienced what you have. I was raped once, so its easier for me. But I sat down over several days, and faced every single detail of the rape. Moment by moment. Gradually, I could see that the guilt and pain from that was not from me, it was imposed on me and I waas not going to let that f***** bastard live within me forever. He was not going to control my whole life.

It took a long time, but gradually I yanked my life back from him so he is now a footnote in my personal history - a small pathetic nonentity. Being alone makes it harder, but talk on here, we will listen. xxx
 
Raina Walks

Raina Walks

Well-known member
Joined
May 11, 2011
Messages
2,403
#4
Yes Pentagram it helps to know that I am not alone...I often feel so removed from everyone and everything...so disconnected..

I am so glad that you have friends who are holding on to you...I have never had that...

I'm listening to music right now but it is not making me feel any better...I was just lying down thinking of what life was like last year, five years ago, ten years ago and see progress in different ways...the only constant is the pain...so I remain hopeful...

Peace would be most welcome...and I am praying hard for it...

Take care...

Raina

Thanks so much for replying...
 
Raina Walks

Raina Walks

Well-known member
Joined
May 11, 2011
Messages
2,403
#5
Calypso...thank you too...

I am so sorry that happened to you....you are so strong to decide to not give whoever did it power over you and your life story....that takes courage...but I know it hurt...

Were the years raising your children happy? I was in a group where this one woman said that having her daughter helped to bring happiness into her life...she gave her daughter all the love she ever needed and all the support she never got...At 40 I cried a lot because in my 20s and 30s I dreamt of healing and having my own little girl but that did not happen for me.

I really appreciate you sharing your story....and am sad that you are now on your own as far as treatment is concerned...help for us is so limited...I am glad you are on the forum too...even though I am in therapy my social worker tells me that it is largely up to me to do the work...she can really only support me and be a resource.

Yes...one little step at a time...and time...I am now praying every day for friendship and support so that I am not alone anymore...

Thanks for replying and take care...

Raina
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
41,077
Location
Lancashire
#6
Hey Raina

As the healing starts, the chances that you will be on your own go down too. Its not a struggle till the bitter end, it lessens as you go on. But those steps, God, its like walking on broken glass with fire coming at you. You have done a lot of work already, just keep going. You know the further on your go, the quicker it gets too. Personally, I never got much from group therapy, but that was because I had nothing i particularly needed to share by the time I got there. For you, it could be a huge step, but if you can do it, it goes out from you.

When I was in hospital, I used to think of a jigsaw box. You can't solve the puzzle till you tip all the pieces out and then start assembling them. Tipping them out is the scary bit. xx
 
Raina Walks

Raina Walks

Well-known member
Joined
May 11, 2011
Messages
2,403
#7
Hi Calypso,

I was so frightened in hospital that I was blank...and I was hearing voices two of the three times that I was in hospital so they distracted me...

So glad to hear that it gets better....walking slowly...no appetite and yearning to just go to bed and sleep for 10-12 hours...I see my doctor tomorrow so I will ask her for something to help me sleep longer...not sure if she will help but I guess it does not hurt to ask...

I am looking forward to group therapy..just to be around people ... they don't encourage us to form friendships with other group members so for two hours a day four days a week I will be in group talking and listening and not being alone...for that time period.

For years I felt invisible...now not as badly since my self esteem is a little better...

I'll keep walking... painful as it is...I figure that I lived this long...so many people don't live to see 42...I am hoping that if I see 45 it will be with a lot less painful...
 
Last edited by a moderator:
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
41,077
Location
Lancashire
#8
I know how it feels to be invisible. I nearly severely self harmed just to be seen by my family - the real me, pain and all. But group therapy, 2 hours a day, 4 days a week, WOW, that is some therapy. I am hoping against hope that really knocks a hole in your pain xx
 
Raina Walks

Raina Walks

Well-known member
Joined
May 11, 2011
Messages
2,403
#9
Hi Calypso...

I knew that nothing would make me visible to my family....I did not matter to them and they told me to all the time. For years I self harmed by working too hard...walking too much ... over exercising...taking too many courses in school and having to drop out of all of them...I wanted to die but I wanted to die doing all the so-called right things to the appearance to others...people knew that I was exercising, working, walking and taking courses...they did not know that I was overdoing them all because I had no friends to call me on it.

Now that I have connected with my inner child...she tells me what she cannot take an she cannot take any of those things...right now she just wants to be...and to remember and deal with the pain...to let it out with me holding her.

It is a lot of therapy but I too hope that I will make progress...I anticipate feeling a lot of pain but hopefully it will be like a cleansing and I will be more stable in january/february...at least that is the hope...

Praying that I can make a friend or two...it sucks to be me....I see my neighbours having people over all the time and nobody comes to visit me and my phone does not ring unless it is for a medical or therapy appointment or of course a telemarketer...

Life is so hard...so very hard....
 
pentagram

pentagram

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 1, 2010
Messages
2,110
Location
Lake District
#10
I knew that nothing would make me visible to my family....I did not matter to them and they told me to all the time.

For years I self harmed by working too hard...walking too much ... over exercising...taking too many courses in school and having to drop out of all of them...I wanted to die but I wanted to die doing all the so-called right things to the appearance to others...people knew that I was exercising, working, walking and taking courses...

Now that I have connected with my inner child...she tells me what she cannot take an she cannot take any of those things...right now she just wants to be...and to remember and deal with the pain...to let it out with me holding her.

...

Life is so hard...so very hard....
As I go through my memories I realise that we have similar thoughts if not experiences. My mum once said to me "Is it about that boy?" meaning in her mind the boy I fell in love with in my teens, and now I realise it IS ABOUT THAT boy, it's about me, the younger me let down by everyone without anyone to turn to, put under so much pressure to conform that he took decisions that would ruin his life.

and,until now, largely ignored by me too, as all I could ever think of was my lover boy who I thought I saw die in tragic circumstances.Now I am beginning to see the truth of it all, all the pains where I was electrocuted, all the pain of loss.

I have found out very recently that my parents knew what I was going through,but never talked to me about it, never ever discussed it even though I tried to in my 30s and 40s, just toally ignored.

Self harm is a strange thing too, is it self harm to throw yourself into work and no play so much which I did after leaving school?

just got on with my shitty life so everyone could see I was doing alright, but away on my own I cried every day.

I am lucky, I have made friends with a few people, but none of them live close, but they are very helpful, though even then I do not ring them up cos I think they'll think I am stupid or something.
 
Raina Walks

Raina Walks

Well-known member
Joined
May 11, 2011
Messages
2,403
#11
Hi Pentagram,

I can relate to having a romantic interest in my teens that carries over into the later years...i have seen a lot of men but nobody compared to him in looks and in spirit...my inner child, despondent, lost and hopeless hung on to him and when I broke down, for her it was all about him...I spent hours writing about him feeling a whole range of emotions including rage...he saw me in trouble and tried to intervene but I pushed him away because I figured I was too messed up to be a worthy candidate...I asked him to go and to just let me die...he came after me but I kept pushing him away....the reason I did that was because his friends did not approve of him wanting to be part of my life...they had stigma against people with mental health issues but he still wanted to help.

Looking back...he could not really....I was too messed up...what I needed was a safe place to live and some money in the form of government assistance so that I did not force myself to work...and lots and lots of therapy...both group and individual...when I finally got connected to group therapy I learned a lot of coping skills and life skills as well as social skills...

Even now I would not want him in my life...not because I want to be perfect but because with all the pain I am in I would rather be single and dealing with it...my inner child is obsessed with him and at the slightest hint of interest in another female she would go postal on him...so I am protecting both her and myself by keeping my distance.

It really hurts and I can just imagine your pain as you look back and realize that your parents knew but did not intervene....and yes...lots of this condition is dealt with alone...people just can't understand...even those that really want to...but don't have a mental health diagnosis or the same diagnosis...

Even after being diagnosed...I had to do a lot of reading about my condition ... if I relied only on the mental health professionals I would be lost...

In my case...I realized that I had a lot of rage in me ... about 25 years of it...and I am in the process of giving expression to that rage and trying to get it out of my system but it is a slow and painful process....

It is good to have friends but it sounds like there are boundaries that you set or were set mutually...which is healthy really....I am hopeful that someday some way I will make friends too...

In ending I will say what my case manager says to me at the end of every meeting...keep up the good fight because you are worth fighting for...
 

Similar threads