• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

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C

Cannonl3all

Member
Joined
Dec 21, 2020
Messages
6
Location
California
Hi, my name's Alicia, and I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, (Hypo-Bipolar), & BPD. I don't want to accept it, and feel so friggin ashamed.... I'm a female Army military police Combat Veteran. I already had ptsd from my deployment in Afghanistan. My dad, was not only an Army Combat Veteran, but he just honorably retired after 25 years in law enforcement. He had a tough time coming home after being a detective for homicide and suicide cases. He worked under cover for other things and sometimes had to travel out of the states. My dad was a super hero in my eyes, and I wanted to honor him by making him proud of me; so, I swore in. I remember when I would tell him I was teased in school he told me to stop wearing my heart on my sleave. He would tell me to not let myself be a victim. I was definitely daddy's little girl whenever we had a cookout or family functions. Now that I'm looking into my childhood as an adult, I think I was already developing some complex ptsd from him, but I'm no therapist. Yes, no more blaming my parents. This new modern way of therapy is giving me hope to heal, and especially for my 6 year old son's sake... I wonder if my diagnosis of BPD is correct after one test? Or 4 sessions with a therapist? Okay, this is my desperation not to have this disorder. Who am I kidding. This is my mind y'all.
Is it possible that my BPD worsened with my time in the military, and being in 2 emotionally abusive relationships "marriages" with narcissists (found that out from a therapist I had a 6 year relationship with willingly... Do Borderlines have that?) I've heard from other psychological studies what years of narsissistic abuse can do to a person's mental health. I wonder how much of my BPD was triggered due to the relationships, childhood, or Military career. I want to know where my spectrum is... My progress now: I'm going through a shitty grieving process of a 3.5 year engagement. My 6 year old misses him and I want to go back, but Im afraid of the gaslighting, and emotional papercuts of abuse. I left a codependant relationship. He's ALSO an Army Combat Veteran... Do you see a PATTERN?! He was more of a dad to my son than his physically abusive father, and its hard not to go back. He and his mother are both reaching out about substance recovery and therapy to make a healthier environment. I'm trying so hard to stay as sane as I can.
I'm taking 2mood stabilizing medications, and one anti-anxiety. I'm seeing a therapist weekly. I'm scheduled for zoom DBT through th VA this January, I'm working a full time functioning job as a massage therapist where my employer knows about my diagnosis, and my son lives with me full time. What do y'all think about private couples counseling? It's just that My ex has a 5 year old daughter who my son knew since he was 2 and they gre up practically siblings... It makes this no contact thing really confusing. Blended family dynamics with this shit storm is, well I don't know. Is it hopeless? If it is, I cant seem ti cut the hope cord. D :
 
Bipolarbear808

Bipolarbear808

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 15, 2020
Messages
220
Location
USA
Hi Alicia,

First of all thank you for your service! It definitely sounds like you've lived through a lot of trauma throughout your life and it sounds like you're trying really hard to work through it. Keep in mind that any diagnosis is fluid; meaning that your initial diagnosis can change through time and what was initially suspected as a diagnosis is always subject to change. So, I wouldn't get too hung up on a BPD diagnosis and even if you are BPD it is only a diagnosis and does not define you as a person!

From one veteran to another, I would recommend that you ask your local VA for a referral using the "Care in the Community Act" to see any outside therapist. While VA therapist are very well intentioned, I find that they just simply don't have the time and resources to deal with deep trauma. The VA pays for me to see any outside therapist weekly and the therapist I see now has done more in a few months than years of therapy at the VA. I do however hear really good things about the DBT groups at the VA so I'm glad you will be joining that group.

I'm truly sorry that you are going through so much right now and I really commend you for being able to handle it all. Relationships aside, I really think you should just focus on getting yourself into a good place mentally before deciding on a relationship. So many people rush into codependent relationships thinking it will fix their problems and most times it just makes things worse. I know thats not what you might want to hear right now but I'm just being as honest as possible.

Welcome to the boards!
 
C

Cannonl3all

Member
Joined
Dec 21, 2020
Messages
6
Location
California
Hi Alicia,

First of all thank you for your service! It definitely sounds like you've lived through a lot of trauma throughout your life and it sounds like you're trying really hard to work through it. Keep in mind that any diagnosis is fluid; meaning that your initial diagnosis can change through time and what was initially suspected as a diagnosis is always subject to change. So, I wouldn't get too hung up on a BPD diagnosis and even if you are BPD it is only a diagnosis and does not define you as a person!

From one veteran to another, I would recommend that you ask your local VA for a referral using the "Care in the Community Act" to see any outside therapist. While VA therapist are very well intentioned, I find that they just simply don't have the time and resources to deal with deep trauma. The VA pays for me to see any outside therapist weekly and the therapist I see now has done more in a few months than years of therapy at the VA. I do however hear really good things about the DBT groups at the VA so I'm glad you will be joining that group.

I'm truly sorry that you are going through so much right now and I really commend you for being able to handle it all. Relationships aside, I really think you should just focus on getting yourself into a good place mentally before deciding on a relationship. So many people rush into codependent relationships thinking it will fix their problems and most times it just makes things worse. I know thats not what you might want to hear right now but I'm just being as honest as possible.

Welcome to the boards!
 
C

Cannonl3all

Member
Joined
Dec 21, 2020
Messages
6
Location
California
Hi Alicia,

First of all thank you for your service! It definitely sounds like you've lived through a lot of trauma throughout your life and it sounds like you're trying really hard to work through it. Keep in mind that any diagnosis is fluid; meaning that your initial diagnosis can change through time and what was initially suspected as a diagnosis is always subject to change. So, I wouldn't get too hung up on a BPD diagnosis and even if you are BPD it is only a diagnosis and does not define you as a person!

From one veteran to another, I would recommend that you ask your local VA for a referral using the "Care in the Community Act" to see any outside therapist. While VA therapist are very well intentioned, I find that they just simply don't have the time and resources to deal with deep trauma. The VA pays for me to see any outside therapist weekly and the therapist I see now has done more in a few months than years of therapy at the VA. I do however hear really good things about the DBT groups at the VA so I'm glad you will be joining that group.

I'm truly sorry that you are going through so much right now and I really commend you for being able to handle it all. Relationships aside, I really think you should just focus on getting yourself into a good place mentally before deciding on a relationship. So many people rush into codependent relationships thinking it will fix their problems and most times it just makes things worse. I know thats not what you might want to hear right now but I'm just being as honest as possible.

Welcome to the boards!
Thank you! Yes, I know you're right. Being in a codependant relationship isn't going to help me. I do appreciate your honesty. Thank you for your service too sis! I like that you gave me some tips on an outside source, that was pretty awesome. I knew this forum was the right choice! ❤ You already know how being labeled with a disorder can cripple someone even more don't you. It looks like it. I'm happy you brought me aome relief with the word fluidity. I'll work on getting some outside help, and thank you for the suggestion!
 
Bipolarbear808

Bipolarbear808

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 15, 2020
Messages
220
Location
USA
Glad I was able to help a little. I'm actually a guy but thank you lol. Feel free to reach out if you ever have any questions about VA related things or anything. Take care!
 
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