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I'm relapsing from an eating disorder

S

sam78393

New member
Joined
May 20, 2020
Messages
2
Location
new york
I have been in recovery for 3 years but only fully for a year and a half and the last year and a half has been amazing! I never thought I could feel normal or eat without fear, worry, or the madness that had taken over my mind for so long. I truly thought that all of this was behind me and that feeling was honestly amazing. I do not know why I am ruining my life again. I just don’t understand it!!??? I have been restricting again and I rationally cannot discern what I am doing to myself and yet once again I cannot seem to pull myself out of this?!! I don’t get where this is coming from! I’m angry at myself while at the same time proud that I ate too little in a day and overjoyed at the feeling of my stomach eating itself. Rationally I know exactly what I am doing and I keep trying to think of all the reasons I was so happy to be rid of this and yet none of it seems to make any difference in my actions. I don’t want to have to admit this is real. its not as easy as just reaching my goal weight and then maintaining it, i will not stop till I’m sick again, i can’t stop. I can’t look at food the same way, i can’t eat, i count calories in toothpaste!!, i won’t put lipstick on bc im scared if i swallow it, it will make me gain weight. When i get like this, there is no stopping it. i won’t be able to eat a regular meal without kicking and screaming and hating myself for it, my mind will eat me alive. i opened this door again and for people who are gonna say to just eat, that i can’t do this, but you don’t understand how much more there is to it, i can’t just eat. i can’t just eat healthy but more, i get joy and power from restricting myself from things. Im not starving myself again , which is a good thing, i eat my breakfast my coffee my lunch and my dinner. But i know that, once i reach that “goal weight” i can’t shut off this switch, i can’t just go back to normal. i know im going to get sick again, im going to get skinnier and skinner, because i can't stop.
 
P

Purpleplum

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Joined
Feb 7, 2020
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Maybe try eating just one little bite or piece more and see if you could start there. After that, tell yourself how much better you feel having control and not letting the ED get the control. You want that feeling, right?
 
SchrodingersCat

SchrodingersCat

Member
Joined
May 22, 2020
Messages
5
Location
United States
I have less experience with restricting and more experience with the opposite...but I know that mindfulness has usually been a helpful first step for me when eating issues reemerge. It doesn't sound like you can pinpoint why this sudden relapse has occurred. If you can't identify a trigger, then can you identify what emotions you're experiencing when you get the urge to restrict (or in general)?

During your recovery, did you ever explore what made you feel the need to restrict?

For example...
For me, restricting was a form of control and self-harm. It was basically always a response to binging...and binging was a coping mechanism for anxiety and depression. Now if I start to binge again, I try to take a step back and identify what feelings I'm experiencing that are causing me to revert to that behaviour. That's my first step.

Hopefully that's helpful??
 
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