- May 20, 2020
- new york
I have been in recovery for 3 years but only fully for a year and a half and the last year and a half has been amazing! I never thought I could feel normal or eat without fear, worry, or the madness that had taken over my mind for so long. I truly thought that all of this was behind me and that feeling was honestly amazing. I do not know why I am ruining my life again. I just don’t understand it!!??? I have been restricting again and I rationally cannot discern what I am doing to myself and yet once again I cannot seem to pull myself out of this?!! I don’t get where this is coming from! I’m angry at myself while at the same time proud that I ate too little in a day and overjoyed at the feeling of my stomach eating itself. Rationally I know exactly what I am doing and I keep trying to think of all the reasons I was so happy to be rid of this and yet none of it seems to make any difference in my actions. I don’t want to have to admit this is real. its not as easy as just reaching my goal weight and then maintaining it, i will not stop till I’m sick again, i can’t stop. I can’t look at food the same way, i can’t eat, i count calories in toothpaste!!, i won’t put lipstick on bc im scared if i swallow it, it will make me gain weight. When i get like this, there is no stopping it. i won’t be able to eat a regular meal without kicking and screaming and hating myself for it, my mind will eat me alive. i opened this door again and for people who are gonna say to just eat, that i can’t do this, but you don’t understand how much more there is to it, i can’t just eat. i can’t just eat healthy but more, i get joy and power from restricting myself from things. Im not starving myself again , which is a good thing, i eat my breakfast my coffee my lunch and my dinner. But i know that, once i reach that “goal weight” i can’t shut off this switch, i can’t just go back to normal. i know im going to get sick again, im going to get skinnier and skinner, because i can't stop.