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I'm really about to lose it...Advice?

R

ridethelightning

Member
Joined
Mar 26, 2015
Messages
11
I don't know exactly where to put this so I'll just put it here.

Anyways I really need help, advice, feedback, or just anything really. Maybe someone can relate?

I can't cope hardly at all with nothing..
Like I can't stand to be sober. Even just a little..
I need weed or alcohol to make it..
I told myself last night I won't get that drunk again and here I am pacing needing something.
Also I have one bowl left to smoke.
I need to save it tomorrow when I wake up but I need it now.
Cigarettes and caffeine aren't enough and I'm broke.
I'll probably cave and smoke it tonight and then I won't sleep another night.
I can't face waking up without nothing I'll feel to much like crap.
I really hate myself right now and I think I'm about to lose it really bad this time..

Someone help?
 
FriendsAreFriends

FriendsAreFriends

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Joined
Mar 13, 2015
Messages
59
Location
Norway
:welcome:

Well, this is not a moral speach. There is nothing wrong in getting "wasted" occationally...

HOWEVER: It is very important to ones health to be aware of the science and research that has been done into these substances.

You dont nessesarely have any mental problems at all. Alcohol is scientificly proven to bring you a high, followed by a light or stronger depression. Most people dont notice simply because they are so drunk they fall asleep. Weed in addision will most often make you paranoid and confused. "Psychosis" is simply a academic word for a state of confution...long time use will also reduce your mental capability to that of retardation.

My advice to you is to enjoy a few bears if you wish. But you should try to avoid cannabis ...or at least avoid the combination of these wich can make - and does make - a lot of healthy people end up in mental hospitals.

These things I know from my own life, and scientific programs on tv. Myself I always try to stop drinking after 3 times 0,33 liter beer.

:dance: Enjoy your day!

Kenneth.
 
R

ridethelightning

Member
Joined
Mar 26, 2015
Messages
11
I can't be put in rehab I'll lose my mind. I've already been hospitalized once before for trying to kill myself and I can't go back to that. I rather end my life then that. Medications just make me sick or don't work at all. I've given up trying to find a pill that works. Either it made me throw up or it didn't work.

It doesn't matter what time I go to bed or what time I wake up or how long I sleep. I wake up feeling like crap. My stomach hurts and nothing feels real. It's the worst feeling ever. Weed has been the only thing stopping it and holding me together in the mornings. Alcohol was something I started when I didn't have weed now it's become a daily thing also.

I can't drink with people. I'm a mess when I drink. I literally say my every thoughts and I end up getting real sick and passing out.

I know that I need help but I've been down that road before. I never get anywhere. I told myself this morning it was gonna be different and I'm done but here I am again.

I've really stooped to a new low and I really hate myself right now. I honestly don't think I even deserve help.

Thanks for taking the time to talk to me.
 
R

ridethelightning

Member
Joined
Mar 26, 2015
Messages
11
I don't wanna go. It's not gonna help. I'm just a lost cause. The only thing that can make this better is a time machine and I don't even know if that could.

I want my childhood back. I don't want to grow up. I'm really scared and it sounds dumb right? My dad abused me physically and mentally my whole childhood. I was raped at the age 11. Growing up sucked. Now I just feel stuck.

Weed and alcohol wasn't what I went to first. I use to wake up in the middle of the night crying and hating myself till I was sick. But I would put music on and dance and I would feel so much better. It doesn't work no more it got to bad. I want it like that though. I feel mentally drained.

Right now my stomach hurts so bad and my visions all tunneled and I can't hold it together. I just need someone here. Someone to listen to me. It isn't fair. I don't wanna feel this way. I feel like there's a monster inside me.

Thanks for the replies.
 
katya

katya

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Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
I don't wanna go. It's not gonna help. I'm just a lost cause. The only thing that can make this better is a time machine and I don't even know if that could.

I want my childhood back. I don't want to grow up. I'm really scared and it sounds dumb right? My dad abused me physically and mentally my whole childhood. I was raped at the age 11. Growing up sucked. Now I just feel stuck.

Weed and alcohol wasn't what I went to first. I use to wake up in the middle of the night crying and hating myself till I was sick. But I would put music on and dance and I would feel so much better. It doesn't work no more it got to bad. I want it like that though. I feel mentally drained.

Right now my stomach hurts so bad and my visions all tunneled and I can't hold it together. I just need someone here. Someone to listen to me. It isn't fair. I don't wanna feel this way. I feel like there's a monster inside me.

Thanks for the replies.
I'm so sorry. Drug addiction is a common result of being abused as a child, especially sexually. Please remember that you are worth it and you can get through this. Please talk to a mental health professional ASAP.
 
Kerome

Kerome

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Sep 29, 2013
Messages
12,752
Location
Europe
Do you mind if I ask how old you are now? These things do pass from what I've heard and seen on the forums, there are many other abuse survivors here, they may be able to help with the process you're going through. It's a common path, to self medicate with alcohol and drugs while the root causes fester. But it doesn't help in the long run. You have to learn to accept that what happened to you was not your fault, that you are a beautiful and worthwhile human being, learn to accept and love yourself as a first step to a fuller healing. Therapists can help you with this.
 
katya

katya

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Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
Do you mind if I ask how old you are now? These things do pass from what I've heard and seen on the forums, there are many other abuse survivors here, they may be able to help with the process you're going through. It's a common path, to self medicate with alcohol and drugs while the root causes fester. But it doesn't help in the long run. You have to learn to accept that what happened to you was not your fault, that you are a beautiful and worthwhile human being, learn to accept and love yourself as a first step to a fuller healing. Therapists can help you with this.
Yeah, I've been there. Abused sexually and then self-medicating.

ridethelightning: I didn't struggle with self-medicating as much as you seem to be right now, but it was sometimes quite bad. If you ever need someone to talk to - someone who's been in a similar situation and has (mostly) come out the other side, please PM me.
 
R

ridethelightning

Member
Joined
Mar 26, 2015
Messages
11
I'll be 20 this year.

Everyone has told me I have he rest of my life and to enjoy it and I can't enjoy it when I don't know if I'll be here tomorrow.

I just went to a clinic like not even a month ago because a burn I did go infected. Now I think another one is and I can't go back. I refused help when they offered. I said I didn't need it when obviously do. It's like I want help but I don't. I'm scared. No one seems to understand that. I hate being controlled and I hate being told what to do. I lose it.

I have no high school diploma, never had a job, my family won't hardly talk to me, I have no real friends and I don't know what to do.

I never told hardly anyone what happened to me. Not even my mom and I doubt she or anyone would believe me now. It's my fault. I kept to myself. I let it get this bad. I'm considered the crazy one.

I'm lost right now but talking about it and knowing someone's listening helps more then I thought. Thank you.
 
katya

katya

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Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
I'll be 20 this year.

Everyone has told me I have he rest of my life and to enjoy it and I can't enjoy it when I don't know if I'll be here tomorrow.

I just went to a clinic like not even a month ago because a burn I did go infected. Now I think another one is and I can't go back. I refused help when they offered. I said I didn't need it when obviously do. It's like I want help but I don't. I'm scared. No one seems to understand that. I hate being controlled and I hate being told what to do. I lose it.

I have no high school diploma, never had a job, my family won't hardly talk to me, I have no real friends and I don't know what to do.

I never told hardly anyone what happened to me. Not even my mom and I doubt she or anyone would believe me now. It's my fault. I kept to myself. I let it get this bad. I'm considered the crazy one.

I'm lost right now but talking about it and knowing someone's listening helps more then I thought. Thank you.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time accepting help right now. I remember feeling like that at your age. It was almost like, "I've got this far, without any of your fucking help; so I don't need it now either," and then finding myself struggling even more and blaming myself because I was the person I was meant to be relying on. I don't know if you feel the same way; it's different for everyone; but it doesn't have to be that you have to deal with this alone. You shouldn't. Of course you had trouble telling anyone what happened; you had enough trouble dealing with it, let alone being the one to bring it out into the open and tell your loved ones. Especially because that throws their perceptions of their loved ones in the dirt. It's horrible that you should have to be the one to do that, especially after everything you've been through. Please do not blame yourself. None of this is your fault. And you do deserve help; it seems like you need help right now, and there's nothing wrong with that. I hope you can start to accept help soon.
 
K

kalismystic

Active member
Joined
Mar 24, 2015
Messages
32
Location
Canada
I'm just about the same age and I really do understand how you feel. I struggle to talk to my GP about my addictions and my mood problems.

Are you worried that people will look down on you or think poorly of you if you ask for help?

Fee free to PM me if you ever need to talk.
 
R

ridethelightning

Member
Joined
Mar 26, 2015
Messages
11
I know that I can't do it on my own and it's not really about what people think. Just I've been there. I've had therapy, I've been hospitalized, I've tried different meds and nothing helps me much. Also I don't wanna lose the couple of people in my life. No one wants to deal with someone like me. Everyone tells me to move on, get over it and control it and I can't. I try. I don't wanna be a hassle and I just don't care sometimes and it sucks. Opening up and telling someone what happened usually makes it worse. I can't be hospitalized I'll lose my mind.

Anyways I did get sleep. More then just 2 hours this time to. I feel better right now. I just don't know how long it will last.

Thanks everyone again.
 
katya

katya

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Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
I know that I can't do it on my own and it's not really about what people think. Just I've been there. I've had therapy, I've been hospitalized, I've tried different meds and nothing helps me much. Also I don't wanna lose the couple of people in my life. No one wants to deal with someone like me. Everyone tells me to move on, get over it and control it and I can't. I try. I don't wanna be a hassle and I just don't care sometimes and it sucks. Opening up and telling someone what happened usually makes it worse. I can't be hospitalized I'll lose my mind.

Anyways I did get sleep. More then just 2 hours this time to. I feel better right now. I just don't know how long it will last.

Thanks everyone again.
I know it's hard when it feels like nothing's helping, but you've got to keep going with that kind of stuff; you can't, as you say, just deal with it on your own. As hard as it is, you should keep pursuing different kinds of therapy until something works.

People don't understand this shit; I've had friends who are like, "Get over it." Frankly I've cut them out of my life. They weren't helpful at all. I'm not saying you should do that - it's not anyone's fault they don't understand, because they haven't been through this - but don't expect yourself to be able to just 'shake it off' and be okay. It's too much to handle.

I'm really glad you feel better today and I hope it continues. :hug:
 
R

ridethelightning

Member
Joined
Mar 26, 2015
Messages
11
I've lost most people in my life because of this. I've had police called on me before and neighbors hate me over it. But bottling up doesn't help me either. Maybe it is a little about me caring what other people think but that's because I know people are tired of me. I'm always on the edge and it's like you have to walk around on eggshells around me and I can't help it. I also can't tell what really happened to me. I don't want that look of pity or that look of disgust. I'm just tired of being a problem for everyone. I can't control my emotions. I can't even control when I'm happy. I'm just all over the place. I'm hard to deal with it I just rather keep it to myself. People really seem to like me until they see the real me.

I just want all this to go away.
 
katya

katya

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Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
I've lost most people in my life because of this. I've had police called on me before and neighbors hate me over it. But bottling up doesn't help me either. Maybe it is a little about me caring what other people think but that's because I know people are tired of me. I'm always on the edge and it's like you have to walk around on eggshells around me and I can't help it. I also can't tell what really happened to me. I don't want that look of pity or that look of disgust. I'm just tired of being a problem for everyone. I can't control my emotions. I can't even control when I'm happy. I'm just all over the place. I'm hard to deal with it I just rather keep it to myself. People really seem to like me until they see the real me.

I just want all this to go away.
I know that feeling. You can learn to manage this. Don't worry. You're only young; this will get better.

You're right about the fact you shouldn't bottle it up, because that's half the problem; you need to deal with it, rather than push it away, because it creates tension that you can't control.

I feel for you. :hug1:

Also, don't be too hard on yourself. You're not a burden; you're struggling, and it's understandable as to why. I can understand the frustration of not being able to tell anyone but being really in a low place. It comes out. But it doesn't mean you're not worth it.
 
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