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I'm not sure where all this will end up.... My story

W

WoodPidgeon

New member
Joined
Feb 21, 2017
Messages
1
Hi all,

I don't really know how to start all of this off, it's very unlike me to register for a forum like this but desperate times call for desperate measures.

I'm a 37 year old man with a beautiful 11 year old daughter that I have 50/50 custody over which is all very amicable.

I feel like all of the stuff going on in my head is so complex and deep seated that I don't know how to begin trying to explain all of the noise thats going on in my head. It feels like there are many many levels of mental health issues for example:

Quite severe OCD

I've had OCD for many years, since I was probably 10 or 11, what started as being relatively innocent hand washing has mutated over the years into other things. The longest running theme has been germs and contamination since my daughter was born where I began to fixate around dogs mess. This resulted in my first marriage to her mum breaking up when my daughter was 3 years old. There were other reasons behind this such as:

Very very low self esteem

I have always had low self esteem and I'm afraid this also played a part in my breakup to my ex. As a result of the pressure my ex became cold and distant which in turn brought out another trait that I seem to have developed.. Paranoia due to the fear of being left and abandoned because I'm not good enough. I constantly compare myself to other men and basically measure myself against every man I meet which has caused many many problems over the years in relationships.

Pretty severe depression and now anxiety

Those are probably the highlights as far as mental health is concerned. I have now been through two marriages although the second wasn't necessarily all my fault but the depression aspect definitely played a role in it. She had elements of depression but would not seek help for it.

That relationship ended about a year ago.

Since then one of my worst fears has come true. I have only slept with 5 people in my entire life, the first was my first wife. After we split I met a girl through work around 5 months later and contracted an STD from her which totally messed my head up to this day. After I split up with my second wife history basically repeated itself which resulted in me contracting herpes. It has caused havoc in my life. I now have to serve my daughter food wearing disposable gloves as I'm afraid that somehow she will contract something. It seems that whatever my fears are eventually they come true.

I have started another relationship with a really nice girl. However it is a very intense relationship in both good and bad ways. If ever there was a thing such as a soulmate then she is mine. It's everything I've ever dreamed of but there is a double edge to the sword. Anytime we argue I suffer severe depression and anxiety, I even begin to suffer anxiety when I'm not with her and its crippling me. Its affecting my ability to perform my job and worse is affecting my ability to look after my daughter properly.

I feel like I am beginning to literally lose my mind. I cannot function properly and I cannot see a way to fix things. If I break up with her I'm cutting my nose of to spite my face and would be losing the one thing that makes me happy. When I'm with her all of my worries go away and I feel better. But when we argue I feel like I am at rock bottom and feel like if it wasn't for my daughter I would look for a way out.

I feel very insecure and always have, she is a good looking very outgoing woman who gets a fair bit of attention. Given the fact that I have absolutely zero self esteem or confidence I am so scared that she will leave me even though she has told me I'm the love of her life and she would never do anything to hurt me.

I just don't know what to do about any of this stuff. I feel like short of doing something to end it all I want to just give up, quit my job, finish with my girlfriend and even stop contact with my daughter as I'm not fit to be a father. I feel like I just want to close the curtains and shut out the world and hide and just take the tablets from the doctors to numb myself and sleep as much as I can.

Sorry for going off on one I just don't know where all this will end. All I know is I feel like things are heading in a very bad direction at the moment and I don't have any control over anything.

I feel like I'm too soft for this world and I can't deal with the knocks from it anymore, like my armour has taken so many knocks it just doesn't work anymore and all thats left absorbing the hits is my heart and soul and I can't deal with it anymore.

I've been on 30mg Mirtazapine for the last 6 months or so but I don't know if they are working anymore or not. I really don't know anything anymore.

Thanks for reading and sorry for all the negativity and rambling
 
B

Bex978

Member
Joined
Feb 20, 2017
Messages
18
Location
East Yorkshire
Hi Woody. I think having a meds review with GP wouldn't harm. I totally understand what you mean about not being able to deal with the knocks anymore. I'm very much at that point now. My guard is totally up. I want to move forward but the thought of letting someone else in again puts the fear of god in me. I can't keep going through the hurt.
 
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