I'm not sure what's going on with me

R

roliann

New member
Joined
Dec 18, 2018
Messages
2
#1
Hello everyone,

At first I want to apologize about my english, it's not my native language, but I hope that you will understand my question.

So.. My new psychiatrist told me that I have "some kind of personality disorder". Actually, in the mental hospital where I was admitted for a short period of time the doctors also told me that but I sigh myself out of there too quickly and I wasn't diagnosed.

When I looked up the personality disorders, BPD was the only one I could relate with. And yet, I don't have all the symptoms. I have fear of abandonment, I am actually sure that sooner or later everyone except maybe my parents will leave me. I hurt myself occasionally, sometimes often, I have suicidal thoughts almost everyday. I feel extreme amounts of pain and guilt with no logical source. I don't understand myself, I don't see myself in the future, I really feel like I'm not made for living and I hate myself for that. I drink a lot and I started to go alone in bars (in my country that is dangerous, if this can be consider for risky behavior). But I'm not impulsive and I repress many of my emotions in front of others. I don't have unstable relationships because if someone upsets me I usually keep all the frustration inside. Eventually it turns into anger, but always towards myself. In summary, I often feel overwhelmed by my feelings, but if someone doesn't know me well I do not make the impression of very emotional person. And my moods doesn't change quickly. I think that is not consistent with the diagnosis.
I have feelings of dissociation, I can imagine things very vividly, enough to turn off the reality for me for hours. I do that everyday, especially when I'm too stressed. I don't know if that is a symptom.
And after this long speech I should maybe ask my question =D When you were diagnosed with BPD, how exactly did that happen? Did you fit all the criteria? Did you recognize yourself in the symptoms of the disease?
I'm really sorry that It took so long to read my message.
Thank you :)
 
S

so sad

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 24, 2016
Messages
102
#2
Hi
I can really relate to what you said. I was diagnosed early this year at the age of 45 but I've had some of the symptoms all of my life.
My therapist has recently told me that its not all about out of control emotions, lashing out etc, for some like me, I'm too controlled. I hide my emotions, bottle them all up and they eventually turn in on me. That is also a sign of BPD. So whilst I did fit some with the self harm and fear of abandonment, the whole lashing out thing isn't me at all.
If you can, google, overcontrol of emotions in BPD. I'm sure something will come up for you to have a look at.
Good luck
x
 
P

Pairou

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 3, 2018
Messages
116
Location
United States
#3
Turning the anger towards yourself... that's a sign of the "Quiet Borderline," like me. You don't have to fit all of the criteria, just 5 out of the 9.
 

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