I'm not sure if I'm suicidal or if I'm just being self destructive

[DarkCloudWindyDay]

I've been having a really tough time recently. Everything just feels overwhelming and like I should be handling it better.

My spouse also suffers with depression and anxiety and also seems to be having a 'flare up'. I guess the difference is that they express themselves, at least to some extent to me. They have outbursts and tell me what they're feeling. All of which I understand, support and know is needed for them to say.

The problem is that I don't feel I can do the same. I feel like it would burden their already struggling mind. They're suffering so much and I don't want to make it worse. But now I'm stuck feeling all of these emotions with no outlet whatsoever. I've been crushing up high doses of diazepam and taking Co-codamol to try and dull the feelings. I know I've been taking way too much but it's the only thing that gives me any relief right now.

I don't have anyone in my life I can talk to.

I've also resorted to self harm again. A few injuries are more severe than others. I've been trying to hide them and my spouse doesn't seem to have noticed.

I feel like I need help but I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge. I don't have anyone else I can reach out to. I just feel alone while also feeling like I have to make sure the person I love doesn't feel like that themselves.

I would appreciate any advice anyone has to offer. Thank you.

 

[Talina]

Can you talk with a gp or therapist? So you have anyone you can talk to. Because it must be hard carrying everything alone and not have a place to let the feelings out.

Also it’s not good of you taking more medicine than what you should, without a doctors observations. It can go really bad.

I also think it would be good talking to your partner. From what I know after observing friends, is that when you hide things and they find out. They will often hurt even more because they couldn’t be there for you. Your spouse have showed a lot of trust towards you and I’m quite sure your spouse would also know when you are at your weakest.

If you can’t talk with your spouse and don’t want to reach out for a gp/therapist. Have you tried any helping lines where you can call and just talk with a person. Helping lines can be quite helpful and worth a try to reach out to.

 

[Fairy Lucretia]

welcome to the forum x love Lu x

 

[anex]

Hi, there! You know, my partner would probably relate to this a lot.
I’m like your partner- ready to express how I’m feeling and good at bringing it up. If they’re anything like me, they would WANT you to talk to them and confide in them.
I’ve been having a shit go again for a year. It’s been miserable. But I want my spouse to talk to me, too. To confide and spill and lay it all out. Despite my struggles, I do absolutely have room for his. I’m sure your spouse has room for you, too.

 

[Fairy Lucretia]

how are you feeling today? xx