I'm not sure I can do this

[bluebell24]

I don't feel like I have the energy to try & get better. I am so tired and I know even when there are good days I'll always be I'll. I hate seeing the sadness and frustration in my husband's face, hate knowing that a friend I adore will never speak to me again.

My heart is broken in so many ways that I am struggling to see the point in trying.

 

[grace68]

don't despair

((((((((((bluebell)))))))))))

i have felt the same way that you describe. my husband has often said, in his frustration, that if he had known what bipolar was really like, he wouldn't have married me. but such things are said at rock bottom times. it sounds like you are pretty much at rock bottom, and so everything seems desperate. things can't stay at rock bottom forever. i know that bipolar doesn't go away, i'm struggling atm with long term sick leave, even though i feel so much better, i'm never completely well, with all the side effects of my meds, and the bipolar itself. but i'm no longer feeling desperate about my life. i am sure you, too will come through like i have

 

[bluebell24]

Thank you

Hi Grace,

I hope you're right about this being rock bottom ... I can't imagine feeling worse without disastrous results. I spent all morning crying and having the worst kind of thoughts. My poor husband, he emailed me to see how I was doing and my reply sent him into a panic thinking I was acting on those thoughts. I really didn't mean to make him feel that way and I worry I'll make him ill. Sometimes I really want to give him the chance to walk away but then I get scared he'd actually do it.

So, after using up all the tissues in the house and having all kinds of crazy thoughts I poured a glass of wine. I rarely drink in the daytime even when having lunch with friends and it's even rarer for me to drink alone. It slowed my head down a bit although now I feel bad for doing it!

I hope this really is just a particularly rough patch and that like you I'll get through it. And that I don't drive everyone on this forum to distraction with my persistent posting in the process!

Thank you so much for your support xx

 

[grace68]

that's ok i have said awful things to my husband, and he has to me, but we've come through. there needs to be alot of understanding and forgiveness on both sides. it sounds like your husband is very concerned about you, this concern i am sure reflects his love for you. my husband has recently started coming with me to a monthly bipolar support group. he says he has found it very helpful talking to some other 'carers'. he also gets help from a carers' support group. anything that helps him to understand the hell that i go through, and that i put him through sometimes, has got to help.

as to posting too much? never! that's what's so good about this forum, it's so busy! have you thought about starting a journal, i have found that really helpful when i was really low, and just nice to do sometimes, now i'm feeling ok.

 

[bluebell24]

Thanks Grace, I think the support group is a good idea. I do worry for my husband as until a few months ago I was in control of everything ... managed all the bills, arranged anything that needed doing etc and now he's having to take care of me and everything else on top. Will definitely look into some outside support for both of us.

I like the idea of a journal too ... might help me consolidate a few things ... better out than in!

Thanks so much, really appreciate your support and advice! xx