I'm not sure about alot of things and it hurts.

[Dajones]

I feel like im boxed in. Like nothing matters and i'm too insignificant to matter. If I find joy in something those things seem to only bring sadness later on. Its an odd feeling, I wish I could just not feel this way and just be normal. Ive admitted this problem to many people but no one seems to really understand other than one of my close friends, even if they really try to. I've never been diagnosed with depression or any other mental disorder, I've never asked to be diagnosed or even brought it up to a doctor. I dont want to diagnose myself, im just scared. I dont want to take antidepresents for a fake happiness. When I'm alone or someone says something that bothers me I just go into my own world. I think to myself whats the point of it all or other thoughts that just make me feel worse and it affects those around me. Especially my girlfriend, she doesnt mean to, but sometimes she accidentally makes a joke about something very sensitive to me and I just dont want to talk or do anything anymore. I just sit there like a statue with no emotion on my face and then she either gets sad or frustrated with me. I tell her there is nothing she can do but she doesn't understand. I honestly want to be happy, I dont even really talk to anyone anymore, just my very close friends. I think on a daily basis that today is the day I'm going to die. And I believe that every single day. I would call a suicide hotline but I dont want to speak to anyone, I want to hear from others without speaking. I'm just fine with alot ic things in my life and I dont know what I should do to make things better. I've nearly committed suicide on occasion. I just know if I do it, the moment my life is fading away, I would think why in the world did I do this. My family lives me and my aunt depends on me to take care of her. She is 87 and I stay with her to help, but even with all that behind me I still have all this sadness and I have no idea where it comes from. I'm just always contemplating on a pinpoint of what I want to do. My life is always hectic and full of things changing due to my own actions. I feel like I keep changing things and trying new things to keep my mind off of myself. I want to love myself like those around me do, I need to come to terms with myself and just accept that I can maybe change if I try. Even if I have depression for the rest of my life I at least want to have my own piece of my and not contemolate every night whether or not I should kill myself.

After calming down I also wanted to state I am turning 21 this weekend. I've always drank alot but I'm not going to become an alcoholic haha atleast hopefully. Alcoholism runs in my family on both sides including my parents, I'm not trying to make the same mistakes they have. I read a post earlier that hit me hard. It feels like the muscles that make you smile are frozen in place. Like everything around you turns foggy and everything inside your head is covered in black and gray. That's how I feel most of the time nowadays. I'm just tired of everyone saying "You're so young, you have nothing to worry about yet." Its hurtful. There are children in this world who have lived a hundred lifetimes of pain and agony compared to most others within a few drawn out years. So don't compare me to your own life and your choices. I definitely have it nice compared to others including half of my family but when the other half beats you for giving them a present they dont like it's kinda hard to keep your head high. I was abused my entire life by my mom who bashed my head open on a fuacet for accidentally leaving trash on the floor in my room. I had to watch my own sister be choked against a wall because I did something wrong. It's a messed up world and bad things happen to good people. I've come to peace with my family ever since I've moved in with my aunt and I am happy to have them now that my mom and dad have seen their wrong doings and sincerely apologized for everything they did. Anyways, what I was trying to say was, dont judge someone based on there age or family. It's not your place to judge others. Treat those as though they were yourself. In other words treat others as you would want to be treated.
This has nothing to do with the forum owners or people on the forum. I just got carried away with my own thoughts.

Thank you for listening. I just needed somewhere to let this out and be supported. I want to support others too, I understand there are others on this site that have it way worse than I do and I want to be here for anyone. This may have been a little intense for a first post but this is the first post I've ever made about my feelings sooo yeah. Thank you so much for listening to my story.

 

[Shadow-one]

Hi Dajones

to the forum....

You're childhood sounds extremely difficult - I'm really sorry to hear that. You will meet lots of other members here who will identify with your story - so you have come to the right place

It sounds to me that showing any sign of emotion when growing up would only result in having a very negative impact on you... Maybe even violence. So I think that you put on a mask of never showing emotion in order to survive....

And now that you feel safe living with your Aunt - it's like you can finally breathe....let go of all the stress and everyday tension..... However, it isn't as easy as people think it is to let go...

It's frustrating not to suddenly be able to be the same as all the other 'happy' people... You feel like you should be....but you can't...

And from my own life I can tell you how difficult it is to change something ingrained in our personality from childhood......

Try and not blame yourself for how you feel now. It really is NOT your fault - you are simply the product of your childhood which was abusive and traumatic....

You can't suddenly start expressing emotions because it probably wasn't ever safe to do it. I honestly do think that therapy is the only way that you can learn to re-programme this part of yourself.

I am in therapy 3yrs now and still learning new things about myself and my past...

I hope I haven't made too many assumptions and you find this somewhat helpful

I'm sure lots of others will also have advice for you!

Take Care..

 

[Dajones]

Thank you for your advice, I've been thinking about therapy for a while now but it just feels weird.....I guess that's how I would put it. I dont want my family or friends to be concerned with me asking why I'm going or if they can help. Honestly deep down my friends truly do help but I hate it when they worry. I feel like I'm just a killjoy or just a person they have to watch after and that makes me feel bad. I dont want to feel like I have to hide my emotions. I brought up thoughts of suicide to my girlfriend a few times but not actually saying I was going to do it, just talking about how my friend did it and sometimes I feel that way too. All she says is she thinks people that do that are stupid and basically saying they deserve to die if they think like that. She didnt put it in those exact words but that's what I got out of the conversation. I just wish people around me would understand. I know there are people on the internet and everything else but it's also nice to have supportive friends. Not like I've told many of them but still. I'm afraid if I do they will think I'm just overexxagerating or being overdramatic. I dont want them to say "Itll be alright, you'll get over it." The more I think about it the better therapy sounds and the better it may be time to find more friends with the same experience as me.

 

[IWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH]

to the forum. Happy Birth Day too! Yes therapy sounds like it would most likely be a good idea. I hope you get the happiness in life you want.