im not part of the herd

M

mynameismj

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Sep 12, 2018
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#1
My visions started in my teens I'd see leopards walking beside me through the trees and bushes and Victorian dressed peasant's standing still by trees just staring at me.
I can see them and discribe them in detail as well as I could the trees that they stood by but I always knew they were not real.Even though they were scary.
I started hearing voices when I had the first phycosis at 30 they were not nice comments about me one on the left side and one on the right side and then another one appeared from the top of my head.
Worryingly these voices are not something I can say the same about as they are a part of me without description other than they don't sound like me at all on the outside.
I now talk out loud over the top of them to quieten them.
Now l have lots of singing in my head especially a harmonised version of sleep in heavenly peace repeated over and over and over.Not the whole song just those lines.It's quite nice singing but a bit spooky.
I've seen spirits of ghosts in a wind cloud that whooshed me up and took me with them to a coloured rainbow inflatable bouncy castle for some relevant explanation of happiness and beauty and reason for happiness and life.
I drove! Ha!
Ive thought aliens were communicating and controlling me through the high pitch noise that is always in my ears "Tinitus" but when it got louder, they were communicating to control me.
And ive thought I can control and stop the digital interference on the tv i still do sometimes believe that and believe something is deliberately interfering so I can't watch that particular program.
Ive thought the TV was sending me messages at one point and that the bible wanted me to go to Ireland and go to a convent because a page in the bible told me to.
I was strongly compelled to go.
The letter g was really very important. And number 7 was everywhere and a relevant clue to the answer to what the purpose of being was.
I'd walk around thinking people are observing me and listening to me even when in my car.
I tried to make positive my brain waves with electric wires once from a lamp i which i dismantled but was saved by a "sudo" friend because at the time everyone was saying think positive and I thought my body was running in negative and the shock would turn it around.
I do think I'm a genius with exceptional talents compared to others.Even though I don't do anything with those talents.
I have self harmed. Am I a paranoid schizophrenic?????
Now I can't stand too much noise eg music clapping people talking vigorously or road noises wheels and engines.I cant stand smells either, like fabric softener or perfumes air fresheners and diesel.
I like films sometimes,but more often have no patience to watch.
I like sitting looking out the window waiting for a good idea to spring into my head.I feel elated if one comes to me.But it can take some time to come nowadays.I do a lot of thinking for an idea nowadays so I do walk the dog a lot to take the edge off the slowness of my thoughts.
Born into this world where absolutely everything is owned by somebody where there are in place already these moral commandments! All of us, indoctrinated into beleiving the words of an almighty magical super power known as "god" who dictates moral beliefs from the first moment you had your first thought. ....
There's nowhere to go in this world!... there's no alternative but to follow the mindless herd.
That's always bothered me.
Ive never minded that some people have more to graze on than others as i have never wanted much for myself.
I just hate the controlled mindlessness of this journey to nowhere that the "herd" are taking ....There is no option to opt out
if you vier off the "normal" path and go your own way across the wrong field eat the wrong grass go over the barrier, you will be told that you just can't do any of that!
We are forced to be similar to each other.
We are all commanded to control our stress ....To just deal with it!
I'm not lazy I do a lot,for myself, but at my own pace.
I demand my own pace!
Why can't we live in a world where we can all graze where we want to? Who is in charge ?What is the "power" that enforces normal? .The herd?
I'm not part of the herd!
 
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calypso

calypso

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#2
Hiya

You have a huge amount going on don't you? I hope you find the forum supportive and calming for you. :welcome:
 

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