I'm new here, and I'm scared

T

TarzanAnd

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Jan 10, 2019
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#1
I feel like mentally I'm not coping anymore, and I know I need to get help but I'm not really sure where I'm supposed to turn. I'm too scared to see my doctor or a doctor in general because I feel ridiculous.
I'll go by the name Jane, I'm 25, I live in Australia.
In July 2018, I split with my husband (my choice) after 9 years.
Since then I have been in a downward spiral about my appearance.

He made me feel like I wasn't pretty, or beautiful. Then I met another guy (a friend), and he told me I was fat and said hurtful things.
I found myself sitting in front of a mirror for hours hurting myself just trying to get rid of "imperfections".

On top of this, I started to "diet". But not traditionally. I wasn't eating for days at a time because I just didn't feel hungry. Not a single thing... I work full time in a physical job and I started to push myself more physically. I started losing weight, and people noticed and complimented that I had lost weight. So I pushed myself more and more.

I have gotten to a point now where I won't eat for days, then I will eat one SMALL thing on one day, and go back to not eating. It used to be that I just wasn't hungry, but now I find myself getting hunger pains and my mind just says drink some water and do something else to distract. I have been going to the gym for a few months every single day for HOURS physically pushing myself and exhausting myself to try and lose weight. People started complimenting me more..

I have lost quite a bit of weight. I weigh myself constantly throughout the day. I feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack if I see the scales go up even 200grams. I have recognised that I may have a problem, but my mind keeps justifying it.
I don't tell anyone that I'm not eating, so none of my work colleagues or anyone else has noticed.
Socially I am anxious and shy, and I also have depression. I'm way too scared to reach out to someone in person and so I'm not really sure where to go from here.

Every time I tried to find anyone (using google) who was having similar issues and what they did - it consistently says "anorexia". But I know I can't have that, because I am obese.
I literally don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I'm scared for myself. But at the same time, I don't know if I'm ready to accept whatever it is and actually get help properly..
 
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calypso

calypso

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#2
I am sorry that you are in such a bad place at the moment. I think this needs the intervention of a doctor to assess you. Please don't be embarrassed to see one, they see things like this every day remember. Its possible that you are reacting this way because of an underlying depression remember - although I can't possibly diagnose based on the info on a forum.

You have been through a lot which leaves you feeling out of control and this is a way of getting back into control over your life. Long term I think you could do with some counselling to help you come to terms with all that has happened to you over the years.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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#3
Hi,
Welcome to the forum
Please see your dr, therapy might be really beneficial to you.
Hope you feel better soon.
I'm sorry people have said hurtful things to you, you didn't deserve that.
Try to eat little and often then increase, drinking plenty of fluids will help you to feel better soon.
Here to listen anytime.
Take care Hun
 
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agse01

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Dec 29, 2017
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#4
Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story. You have found the right place to do that. Many of us understand your struggles! I am so very sorry for how your husband and your friend treated you and the awful things that they said. I know that that must have hurt you to the core. People can say some really unkind things and not realize the damage that they can do to someone with their words! You didn't deserve that! You are so much more then how you look and you have so much to offer the world. Don't let their words define you. You have value just for who you are!
I know it's not easy to reach out and ask for help. We often think that our problems are not that bad or are just making something out of nothing. Maybe we feel like we don't deserve help or we hide what we are going through due to guilt and shame. I think you have come to the realization that something serious is going on here, and to that I would agree. Your thought processes and actions are a big sign for me that you have an eating disorder. I've been there. I know. Please reach out to your doctor or a mental health professional and let them know what is going on and how you are feeling. This is normally something that will not go away on it's own and you will need help overcoming. The thoughts and the compulsion to eat less will only get worse unless you get to the bottom of what is driving it. It's so much more of a mental thing then a physical one. It can and will continue to make you spiral downward unless you seek help. The further along you go down this road, the darker it will become and the harder it will be to seek help. In my case, this is something that almost destroyed my life. I don't want to see you go down that same road. You are not being ridiculous. Please don't believe that lie. Also please continue to come here and share. You are not in this alone!
 
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ceecee1604

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Jan 23, 2019
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#5
Hi there... I think that the other responses said almost everything there is to say. However, there is one thing I want to mention. You said that you can't have 'anorexia' because you're not underweight. However, Atypical Anorexia Nervosa can refer to a person who is experiencing all the anorexia symptoms (such as extreme restriction, fear regarding food, secretive behavior, etc) without being underweight.
Body Dysmorphia is also a symptom of eating disorders... Regardless of your weight, losing weight really fast is dangerous. Weight is actually pretty irrelevant to eating disorders. It's the behaviors, the weight loss is a consequence. They are dangerous regardless.
But what I really want to emphasize is that you don't need to fit into a box for something to be wrong. That's why they have EDNOS as a potential diagnosis. Please don't do serious damage to yourself, because you deny there is something wrong.
My heart goes out to you.
 
Urban Hermit

Urban Hermit

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#6
Hi there, it think the other have said everything better than I would, just wanted to say hi. The fact that you have been able to share with us is a big step well done.
Take care X
 
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