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Im new here and I desperately need help

M

MarioValente

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2015
Messages
7
Hi. I've just joined.
I need help, desperately and I don't know where to start.
The anxiety attacks are becoming overwhelming.

My wife and I split up 4 weeks ago.
This was the second time in 10 months.
We've been together for 6 years and married for 4, in fact, it was our anniversary on the 8th of this month, which is not helping the situation at all.
Everything was great when we first got together, but 6 months or so into the relationship I started to notice that my partner was becoming controlling.
She made an issue of us getting a joint account together and I cancel my account.
This is when I clicked that there is a controlling issue here but I didn't make a big thing of it. I was madly in love with this woman. Maybe it's me, I thought.
As time went on, what we once had, the fire and passion we had between us started to change.
She became less active in the bedroom. I became the chaser.
Her warmth towards me started to change and her affection became less frequent as time went on and our life started to turn into a routine.
There was this invisible "to do" list in her head.
Every day had its "to do" list and every box had to be ticked.
Weekends had become something I didn't particularly looked forward to. I had to put up with the routine. You couldn't get out of the routine. It had to be followed.
Saturdays was the house cleaning, which I understand it has to be done, but a deep clean every week is a bit extreme.
Sundays, when the weather was good, it was sorting out the garden and when the weather wasn't good, she would find something to do in the house.
There is nothing wrong with that, but I had to be involved in all that. The cleaning was fine. Two people clean quicker than one.
I was never asked if there was anything I wanted to do.
It was always what she wanted to do.
I have interests. I like to edit music and video on my computer or read up on new technology, or learn about new audio software, geeky stuff which she has no interest in but I do. It feeds my soul.
I not talking about sitting in front of the computer every night for hours on end.
I'm talking about a few hours a couple of times a week.
When we first met, I did tell her about my interests and she was ok with that.
I did notice she had no interests but paid no notice of it.
I was made redundant not long after we were married but I got a job at the company she was working for at the time.
It was a complete change in the work type. I had gone from being an operations manager at a media company to working in a fridge for a flower company carrying buckets with flowers and pushing trolleys around in a constant temperature of 5 degrees fridge. I was 49 then, not a 20 year old.
I started work at 4 in the morning which meant I had to be up at 2;30 in the morning.
I used to get home just before 2 in the afternoon.
The days were long and tiring. I used to get home exhausted but would find a bit of time to catch up on my e-mails and muck around on the computer for a bit. I had set a time limit because I then had to sweep the floor, hang up the washing or fold up the dry washing, make dinner, make her sandwich for the next day then shower and eat.
She would get home from work just before 6.
She would sort out her clothes for the next day.
She would do the ironing once a week, 99% of the ironing were her clothes as my clothes were for work and didn't need ironing although she insisted on ironing the long sleeve t-shirts.
Thursdays she would check out how the budget was doing.
The were a few instances when she would get home and I was still in the middle of preparing dinner and hadn't gotten to making her sandwich or folded the washing when she would ask me what I had been doing since I got home.
I had to explain to her that I had taken some time out to rest my feet because they were sore.
I didn't appreciate that. This started to get to me.
Whenever I mentioned that I was tired, she would hit back with "I've also been working and am also tired" I tried explaining to her that our jobs were different. She sits at a desk the whole day, I was on my feet the whole day running around the fridge like a headless chicken. There was no time for slow go. It was a constant rush around.
It takes a lot out of you but she wouldn't accept it.
She made me feel like I wasn't allowed to be tired.
I dreaded to make any comment about how I was feeling.
If I was ever sick and couldn't get out of bed, I was on my own. Not once did she ever come upstairs to ask me if I needed anything.
Whenever she was sick in bed, I would go up to her and ask her if she wanted something to drink, I would even make her food.

Things carried on getting worse.
The couch where we would lie together to watch TV when time allowed suddenly became too small for the two of us. I had to sit on the other couch.
Whenever I approached her in bed, she would push me away or go as stiff as a plank which made me turn over to my side of the bed.
Then she started to talk down at me which made me feel two feet tall. It felt like she had taken a knife and shoved it right through my heart.
If I made a comment about something, she would pull her face at me. This later became the "you twat" look because that's what it felt like.
I started to feel frustrated and would snap back at her, which she didn't like.
Here was the woman I had madly fallen in love with treating me like I was a piece of turd. It hurt like hell.
I felt like a spare wheel. I felt like I was the guy that helped pay the bills.

The times we did have some action in the bedroom felt more like she just wanted to get it over and done with.
We went from being this couple full of passion in bed to "let's get it over with".
This made me feel really great.

Slowly I started to feel like my confidence and self-esteem had been sucked out of me.
I felt like I was in an existence.

One day I decided that it was enough. As much as I loved her, I couldn't go on like this.

It was my daughter's 21st coming up in South Africa. I went to visit her but had already started thinking about returning to South Africa to be with my kids because I had no marriage.
I said to my wife that I wasn't happy with the way things were between us and that I was thinking of going back to SA.

When I returned, my wife was the person I had met in the beginning. She was warm, affectionate, caring.
The next morning I lay in bed thinking about the situation. I asked myself how long it would be before she went back to being the same she was before I had gone to SA.
I decided that I was going to go back. I couldn't bear having to go through the poor excuse for an existence of a life.

She was going through the menopause, which I understand, is really hard on women, but I had spoken to friends who were going through their menopause and they all said that her behaviour is more than menopause.
I did research and could only find a handful of symptoms she had.

I left for SA last year in May. My heart was broken into a million pieces.
I cried myself to sleep every night thinking about my wife, the woman I was in love with.
A few weeks later, I couldn't bear the pain any more.
I sent my wife a message asking her how long she would wait for me.
She asked me to come home as soon as possible.
We spoke for hours every day. We talked about the problems we had and we decided that we would give us another go.
We couldn't live without each other.

I came back.
She picked me up at the airport.
There she was. The woman a fell in love with.
Warm, caring, affectionate.
This was great. We were back on track.
I spent the next month looking for a job and got two interviews.
I took the first job, which was a terrible job, but it was temporary as I was waiting for the second interview for the second job.
I didn't tell my wife that I didn't like the first job. There was no point getting her worried about that so I didn't tell her about it.
I did tell her in the end when I started the other job.
She was not happy about me not telling her.
I explained to her that I didn't say anything out of caring.
I didn't want her to stress. I was in control of the situation.
She told me that this was starting to make her feel insecure.

Things started to get back to the way they were before I went to SA.

It was almost as if I could foretell what was going to happen next.
It was like I had rewound a movie.
Life had become the same old crap. My heart sank.

It was one Thursday evening while she was looking at the budget, she went through the shopping slip I did. She commented that I had bought nuts and a drink. I said that I did that every week because I like to nibble on something and drink while I walked around the supermarket.
Then she mentioned that I had bought the Lottery, twice. I told her that she wasn't going to stop me buying the Lotto.
It was then that I decided I had to get out of this relationship before it destroys me completely.
We spoke about it and it was decided that I was to move out.
I found a room and moved out 4 weeks ago.

I have this constant anxious feeling.
I keep getting panic attacks, especially at night.
Last night was the worst. I came into my room and burst into tears.
I felt lost, hopeless. I called the doctor to make an appointment and I also called an old friend of mine in SA and asked her to help me. I was so scared.
I'm 53 now. I am scared of what lies ahead in my life.
The worst thing is that I'm scared about my wife being with someone else.
I have all these thoughts of him being better than me in bed, better than me at everything.
I am scared. As I'm writing this, I am shaking. I want to cry.

I have no one here. I have no family.
I can't go back to SA. There are no jobs and it's not a safe place.
I can count my friends on one hand.

What can I do to make this pain go away?

I miss my wife so much. It hurts so bad.
We can't live together.
I feel like she has broken me down piece by piece and tried to build me into the man she wants me to be.

I am friends with her ex-husband.
They were married for almost 12 years. In that time, he left her 15 times.
He went through exactly the same things I did.
He said it was like I was telling him his story.

I am scared.
I can't understand why I am scared about her being with someone else.
Is this normal?

I hope someone out there can help me.

I apologise for writing such a long story. There were more things I could write, but that would make this even longer.

I know I'm not perfect and I know I have my bad points. I'm human.
But she made me feel like I was bad all the time.
She made me feel like I had to be in her "groove" all the time. I felt I wasn't allowed to be in my own "groove".
The worst thing is that I'm questioning myself all the time now.

At this very moment I'm wondering what she's doing. Who she's with.
We have exchanged a few txt messages a few days ago but I haven't heard from her and I haven't messaged her either, as much as I would like to.

I did send her a long letter explaining what I saw went wrong in the relationship.
I said in the letter that it wasn't a finger pointing session but merely the way I saw things from where I was standing.
I wrote the letter starting from when we met.
I pointed out what she had done. I then said that my reaction, the times I did react, was purely out of frustration. I felt I was being attacked all the time.

And here I am now. Living in a room. No idea what the future holds for me. Scared to death.
I can't bear it any longer.


Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Mario
 
katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You clearly love your wife, but things aren't making you happy at the moment. It's hard when the person you love is so bogged down by routine and becomes a different person; I bet it feels like you're drowning. It seems like the right decision for you to spend some time away for a little while.

I do hope you can work things out, though. Does she seem able to "budge" on the idea that your lives have to be totally pre-set? Is that the problem you had? Maybe there's something that can be done in that area; maybe you can set out some time in your week where you can be spontaneous.

Please don't go and live in SA; it is dangerous.

I really hope things work out for you. You seem really torn up right now.

Please be kind to yourself. I'm sure your wife wants to make things work if possible too.
 
H

Helena1

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Maybe a counselor will help you move on if you need that.
 
katya

katya

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Messages
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Have you thought of marriage counselling?
 
M

MarioValente

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2015
Messages
7
Thank you so much for the kind words. Routine to her, for some strange reason, makes her feel secure, so it seems.
The only time she's not bothered about any sort of routine is when we are away on holiday.
I don't understand why she has to get to the point where she rejects me. I have spoken to her about it but she's got an excuse and turns things around on me to the point where I feel that we just keep going around in circles.
I am a pretty optimistic person. She's very pessimistic and is always looking for things that aren't there. It's so frustrating.
This hurts so much.
 
M

MarioValente

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2015
Messages
7
I have spoken to talking therapies today. I have a telephonic appointment on the 27th where they are going to ask me questions to see what kind of treatment I should have. I'm not sure how long it will be before I get to see someone.
 
katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
Thank you so much for the kind words. Routine to her, for some strange reason, makes her feel secure, so it seems.
The only time she's not bothered about any sort of routine is when we are away on holiday.
I don't understand why she has to get to the point where she rejects me. I have spoken to her about it but she's got an excuse and turns things around on me to the point where I feel that we just keep going around in circles.
I am a pretty optimistic person. She's very pessimistic and is always looking for things that aren't there. It's so frustrating.
This hurts so much.
That sounds like something that can be sorted; maybe she can find security in other ways that will allow her to open up and enjoy your relationship in the way you need right now. Again, I would suggest marriage counselling; it's a good way to guarantee that you will both be heard, and you'll get advice on how to move forward.
 
M

MarioValente

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2015
Messages
7
I have had marriage counselling before in my previous marriage and it was a bad experience. We were told that we had problems and then asked how we saw we could solve it. That left a bitter taste in my mouth and I lost faith in marriage counselling. My wife did suggest we go for therapy and we ended up arguing about it.
 
SarahD

SarahD

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Oct 21, 2014
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Location
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Hi Mario

That is a very sad story. You obviously still love your wife, and it sounds like she loves you, from how things were when you first got back together.

I really think, as suggested above, that marriage guidance counselling might help. If your wife doesn't want to go, you can go on your own. If you are to have a chance of getting back together and making it work, there have to be changes. This type of counselling could help you solve problems, or if it isn't possible, it could help you move on. But I think it is worth trying to save things.

No wonder you are feeling distraught. It is not surprising with everything that has gone on. Take care of yourself.

Best wishes, Sarah
 
SarahD

SarahD

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Sorry - our posts crossed.
 
M

MarioValente

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Apr 10, 2015
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I'll suggest it to her if she contacts me. I'm not sure if she's already chatting some other guy up. Her ex said that she was chatting to me three weeks after they split up for the 15th time. We met online.
 
M

MarioValente

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2015
Messages
7
Thank you Sarah. I have been hurt in the past with head games. Part of me wants to give it another go and part of me, a big part, is scared to go through the same hurt again. What is not helping are these blooming anxiety attacks I keep getting. I had a bad one last night that I ended up calling the doctor to make an appointment. Going to see him on Monday. Hopefully he can give me something to take the edge off.
 
katya

katya

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Location
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Thank you Sarah. I have been hurt in the past with head games. Part of me wants to give it another go and part of me, a big part, is scared to go through the same hurt again. What is not helping are these blooming anxiety attacks I keep getting. I had a bad one last night that I ended up calling the doctor to make an appointment. Going to see him on Monday. Hopefully he can give me something to take the edge off.
Yeah, they'll be able to give you something. I hope there's someone you can spend time with at the moment and that you can distract yourself. Please be really kind to yourself.
 
SarahD

SarahD

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It is hard to know what to do. Breaking up is very hard. No matter how much you have been hurt, emotions run very high, and you can't just switch off your feelings. There is the pull to go back into the relationship and stop hurting - and the fear of the situation repeating itself.

Breaking up is rarely clean and easy. From my experience, you have to be convinced / convince yourself that it is over, irretrievably, before you can go forward. It is a difficult time.

Glad you are going to see your doctor for some help.

We are none of us experts here, but all wishing you well.

Sarah
 
M

MarioValente

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Apr 10, 2015
Messages
7
You got it right, Sarah. The immediate reaction that jumps to mind is to go back so the hurting stops but then there's the big issue, how long will it be before everything goes back to the same. I am trying to convince myself that it is over. It is hard to just let go.
I went into town this morning and it was such a horrible experience.
That whole place reminds me of her. I had to return home because I was feeling so anxious.
I know it's only a matter of time and things will start to feel better. Hopefully the doctor will give me something that will work pretty quick.
 
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