I'm new. Hello.

[Lost Southerner]

Hi.
I have recently left an abusive relationship after 9 years.
My brain won't switch off, I have a tightness in my chest, I can't sleep, I can hear his voice rattling away in my head, I'm (annoyingly) tearful, I jump every time my phone beeps - afraid it's him - all in all, I'm a mess.
I know I am in the right place. Aren't I?

 

[OCDguy]

Are you alone at the moment, if so, is there a friend/family etc. you can call on while you settle your nerves

 

[JeanPierre]

You are definitely in the right place. After 9 years you must care for yourself.
Go on and cry. A lot. Get all that toxic crap out of you.
Walk away completely.
Welcome here!

 

[kimidare]

Hi and welcome Lost,

It s very good to read that you left the abusive relationship. You're strong to have been able to do that.
You will finally be free

It s normal to be afraid at the beginning, but it will pass with time. Protect yourself from him. Do you know someone to help you ?

My abusive relationship was short (9 months) but it helped me to go live far from him.

You will have support here.

 

[Lost Southerner]

It's just me and my daughter. My family live hundreds of miles away. I am alone, but not lonely.

How can I sleep? I dread the night time so much. I want to sleep, but I am afraid to. I know that I will dream and hear his voice and wake up with gritted teeth and an ache in my chest.

Why am I crying? Because I am scared? Ugh.

We are still at that stage where we are "sorting things out", but I can't even look at him and don't want to be in the same room as him. He tells me "don't contact me, unless it's about (insert latest thing to be sorted)" and then rings me to talk about something totally unrelated.....of course, I get rattled and call him out on it and he hits me with a new tirade of abuse. Should I keep quiet? I don't want to though. It's double standards and I've had it for 9 years as a couple, why must I have it now I am single?

I guess it's him just trying to control?

 

[JeanPierre]

It's just me and my daughter. My family live hundreds of miles away. I am alone, but not lonely.

How can I sleep? I dread the night time so much. I want to sleep, but I am afraid to. I know that I will dream and hear his voice and wake up with gritted teeth and an ache in my chest.

Why am I crying? Because I am scared? Ugh.

We are still at that stage where we are "sorting things out", but I can't even look at him and don't want to be in the same room as him. He tells me "don't contact me, unless it's about (insert latest thing to be sorted)" and then rings me to talk about something totally unrelated.....of course, I get rattled and call him out on it and he hits me with a new tirade of abuse. Should I keep quiet? I don't want to though. It's double standards and I've had it for 9 years as a couple, why must I have it now I am single?

I guess it's him just trying to control?

Yes it is him trying to control you. Why allow it? That is your question.

 

[Lost Southerner]

Because after 9 years it is hard.

Every night I tell myself "he can only get in your head if you let him in" and during the day I can manage it, but at night.....it's hard.

 

[OCDguy]

Can you think of anything that may help to calm you etc? Have you spoken to your Doctor etc. about this

 

[JeanPierre]

Because after 9 years it is hard.

Every night I tell myself "he can only get in your head if you let him in" and during the day I can manage it, but at night.....it's hard.

Yes, I agree that after 9 years it is hard.
My thought is that I would be so thrilled to be free!
And your daughter is free, right?
I hope this helps a bit whilst you begin your healing journey.

 

[Lost Southerner]

Can you think of anything that may help to calm you etc? Have you spoken to your Doctor etc. about this

I just stay awake until I drop.

 

[Lost Southerner]

Yes, I agree that after 9 years it is hard.
My thought is that I would be so thrilled to be free!
And your daughter is free, right?
I hope this helps a bit whilst you begin your healing journey.

Once the "sorting out" process is finished, I think I will feel freer. But I know I have to see him and talk with him and I get so tense and anxious and angry....

Yes, my daughter is already free, thank you for pointing that out. I didn't think of that. I feel calmer knowing she is free.

 

[OCDguy]

Have you spoken to your Doctor etc. about all of this, and if so, were they of any help

 

[kimidare]

I think it s better to turn your phone off to avoid the calls or unplug it. If it s a vital call, he can call the police or the emergencies. It s not at this hour that you have to worry about administrative problems or things like that with him.
If it s not a necessary administrative thing, he doesn t need to call you. It s just to control you. And you can hang up on the phone if you feel he begins to be abusive again.

And for the necessary things, I think you should find someone to accompany you, to not be alone with him.
Because he will try to manipulate you.
He s not the center of the/your world, even if he would like it. The planet continue to turn without him, and you can live without him too.

It s normal to cry, it s recent and difficult to handle. But you are going in the good direction.

 

[Lost Southerner]

I DO hang up on him, but it just makes him more abusive. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't.

he keeps calling for no reason, or he'll just be there as if he's waiting for something. It's....annoying. Like he's waiting for me to say something, but even if I did want to speak, I'm too breathless and anxious and panicked. I have nothing to say to him. I have no body who can help me, my family are miles away and, Covid is happening.