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I'm new and I feel damaged. CSA and drug-facilitated crime survivor with lots of anxiety, struggle with depression and looking into CPTSD and BDD..

girlwiththekittytattoo

girlwiththekittytattoo

Active member
Joined
Jun 30, 2021
Messages
31
Location
nowhere & now here
Hi everyone. I'm honestly not really sure where to start. I guess some background info about me would suffice. For reference, I'm 21 years old now. (sorry, this is kind of lengthy..I tried to shorten it as much as possible.) TW!! mention of self-harm, sexual abuse, drug usage/involuntary drugging, and violence..

Starting at age 14 I developed anorexia and started struggling with self-esteem and body image issues severely. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at this time as well, and my main trigger might be quite weird or surprising: sexual content and nudity on TV, movies, billboards, etc. Porn of course is another big thing. I used to watch or look at these things as a form of self-harm and punishment for not meeting up to these unrealistic beauty standards, yes...even at 14...and at one point I couldn't go outdoors for nearly a year because women in real life would trigger me, too. I've since gotten better about those two things but SC in media still triggers me and will cause me to hyperventilate, want to relapse into self-harming behaviors, cry, get nauseous, sometimes even dizzy, etc. so I avoid it at all costs as much as I can. I no longer have an ED but I'm also naturally skinny/petite so sometimes I struggle with feeling/seeing myself as unhealthy, even when I'm not.

I've been on a mental health forum for teens back when I was 15, shortly before I was trafficked for nearly a year. I wasn't abducted and in fact at the time I had infatuation for my abuser and believed him when he said I was "more mature (enough) for my age" to be involved with him. He actually took me out in public several times and no one noticed I was underaged until one day when someone at the mall reported us, and that was that. I was doing independent study during that time because in middle school I went through a lot of excessive bullying and needed a break from that, but after what happened my mom (single, worked 2 jobs, it wasn't her fault and she had no idea because my trafficker would drop me back off at home safe and sound) decided I needed to go back to public. Shortly after that school year started, I was raped again by a highly regarded staff member at the age of 16. People found out and the harassment I got from other students was even worse than middle school; I was quite frankly one of the laughingstocks of the school and everyone branded me as the lying slut who got one of their favorite people fired. I even had to get a restraining order on one student because she threatened to kill me several times, and even after she graduated she once tried to run me over.

If anyone is wondering at this point, I did have therapy for my depression and anxiety, just not for the CSA. I was on antidepressant medication for a couple of years but in 2019 (of this month, actually) I decided to stop taking it because I didn't feel 100% lucid and I didn't like that. I never really wanted to start in the first place (personal choice) and prefer alternative methods. I had an emotional support animal, got evaluated by a professional, and obtained my medical card for marijuana -- which is important context for what I'm about to say next.

Fast forward to the very beginning of 2020. I'm 19 very close to turning 20 at this point and in a relationship with an older man (again) because I was still finding familiarity in being treated badly. He is the one, admittedly, who introduced me to weed and supported/encouraged my decision to wean off my medication. But surprisingly, he's not the person who messed me up the most when it comes to drugs. I had two "friends" who I've smoked with frequently before and stupidly began to trust them. One day, they offered me a hit of what I thought and they said was weed. It looked the same and again I trusted them so I didn't say no. And that's basically the story of how I was drugged with K2, better known as spice or synthetic marijuana.

I'd be lying if I said this didn't set me back because it did, hugely. The high was fine at first but then it didn't go away and I began to have a manic episode which I've never experienced before in my life. For the next week, I'd be rambling incoherently and experiencing paranoid delusions, bouts of aggression, and spacing out. I ended up going to the hospital because I started to hallucinate and something needed to be done. I was admitted to a mental facility for a 72-hour involuntary hold (that turned into 4 days). When I was released, that wasn't the end of it. For months, my family and I wondered if I'd ever return to normal. The paranoia lasted and I just felt like I could barely process anything anymore and talked less and less. I'd space out a lot and it'd seem like I didn't have too many emotions. Showering was terrible because for some reason I'd choke up and it'd feel like I was drowning. The brain fog was constant.

And then it kind of just...stopped. One day it let up. A couple of months before I met my current partner, who's much closer to my age and treats me the way I've always wanted. Finally, my first healthy and loving relationship! Finally, I feel like I've returned to my old self before K2! And yet, I feel like there's still work to be done. So I guess that's why I'm here. I still space out sometimes (usually to distract myself from a trigger, but sometimes not..) and I don't know if that's the lasting effects of K2 or something else like CPTSD..

Looking back on everything now that I'm 21, of course nothing was consensual, but I struggle with feeling like I'm not a real "survivor" and that I would somehow be "infiltrating" safe spaces for other CSA victims because I was a teenager when my trauma occurred. This is one of the reasons why I've never gotten therapy for this nor have I gone on a forum for mental health again, but I hope that joining this one will be a step closer to my recovery. I know this was lengthy and I'm sorry for rambling on. If you've read it all and gotten this far, thank you so much for reading and I hope to talk to some of you soon. If you skimmed through, I understand. I think my goal is I want to get comfortable enough to find a psychologist and explore a diagnosis of CPTSD (since my trauma was long-term and I fit several if not all of the symptoms) and BDD. I think talking to people in similar situations will help me feel more comfortable with this and maybe even help me develop better coping mechanisms.
 
B

bagheera

Member
Joined
Jul 1, 2021
Messages
5
Location
Uk
Hi everyone. I'm honestly not really sure where to start. I guess some background info about me would suffice. For reference, I'm 21 years old now. (sorry, this is kind of lengthy..I tried to shorten it as much as possible.) TW!! mention of self-harm, sexual abuse, drug usage/involuntary drugging, and violence..

Starting at age 14 I developed anorexia and started struggling with self-esteem and body image issues severely. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at this time as well, and my main trigger might be quite weird or surprising: sexual content and nudity on TV, movies, billboards, etc. Porn of course is another big thing. I used to watch or look at these things as a form of self-harm and punishment for not meeting up to these unrealistic beauty standards, yes...even at 14...and at one point I couldn't go outdoors for nearly a year because women in real life would trigger me, too. I've since gotten better about those two things but SC in media still triggers me and will cause me to hyperventilate, want to relapse into self-harming behaviors, cry, get nauseous, sometimes even dizzy, etc. so I avoid it at all costs as much as I can. I no longer have an ED but I'm also naturally skinny/petite so sometimes I struggle with feeling/seeing myself as unhealthy, even when I'm not.

I've been on a mental health forum for teens back when I was 15, shortly before I was trafficked for nearly a year. I wasn't abducted and in fact at the time I had infatuation for my abuser and believed him when he said I was "more mature (enough) for my age" to be involved with him. He actually took me out in public several times and no one noticed I was underaged until one day when someone at the mall reported us, and that was that. I was doing independent study during that time because in middle school I went through a lot of excessive bullying and needed a break from that, but after what happened my mom (single, worked 2 jobs, it wasn't her fault and she had no idea because my trafficker would drop me back off at home safe and sound) decided I needed to go back to public. Shortly after that school year started, I was raped again by a highly regarded staff member at the age of 16. People found out and the harassment I got from other students was even worse than middle school; I was quite frankly one of the laughingstocks of the school and everyone branded me as the lying slut who got one of their favorite people fired. I even had to get a restraining order on one student because she threatened to kill me several times, and even after she graduated she once tried to run me over.

If anyone is wondering at this point, I did have therapy for my depression and anxiety, just not for the CSA. I was on antidepressant medication for a couple of years but in 2019 (of this month, actually) I decided to stop taking it because I didn't feel 100% lucid and I didn't like that. I never really wanted to start in the first place (personal choice) and prefer alternative methods. I had an emotional support animal, got evaluated by a professional, and obtained my medical card for marijuana -- which is important context for what I'm about to say next.

Fast forward to the very beginning of 2020. I'm 19 very close to turning 20 at this point and in a relationship with an older man (again) because I was still finding familiarity in being treated badly. He is the one, admittedly, who introduced me to weed and supported/encouraged my decision to wean off my medication. But surprisingly, he's not the person who messed me up the most when it comes to drugs. I had two "friends" who I've smoked with frequently before and stupidly began to trust them. One day, they offered me a hit of what I thought and they said was weed. It looked the same and again I trusted them so I didn't say no. And that's basically the story of how I was drugged with K2, better known as spice or synthetic marijuana.

I'd be lying if I said this didn't set me back because it did, hugely. The high was fine at first but then it didn't go away and I began to have a manic episode which I've never experienced before in my life. For the next week, I'd be rambling incoherently and experiencing paranoid delusions, bouts of aggression, and spacing out. I ended up going to the hospital because I started to hallucinate and something needed to be done. I was admitted to a mental facility for a 72-hour involuntary hold (that turned into 4 days). When I was released, that wasn't the end of it. For months, my family and I wondered if I'd ever return to normal. The paranoia lasted and I just felt like I could barely process anything anymore and talked less and less. I'd space out a lot and it'd seem like I didn't have too many emotions. Showering was terrible because for some reason I'd choke up and it'd feel like I was drowning. The brain fog was constant.

And then it kind of just...stopped. One day it let up. A couple of months before I met my current partner, who's much closer to my age and treats me the way I've always wanted. Finally, my first healthy and loving relationship! Finally, I feel like I've returned to my old self before K2! And yet, I feel like there's still work to be done. So I guess that's why I'm here. I still space out sometimes (usually to distract myself from a trigger, but sometimes not..) and I don't know if that's the lasting effects of K2 or something else like CPTSD..

Looking back on everything now that I'm 21, of course nothing was consensual, but I struggle with feeling like I'm not a real "survivor" and that I would somehow be "infiltrating" safe spaces for other CSA victims because I was a teenager when my trauma occurred. This is one of the reasons why I've never gotten therapy for this nor have I gone on a forum for mental health again, but I hope that joining this one will be a step closer to my recovery. I know this was lengthy and I'm sorry for rambling on. If you've read it all and gotten this far, thank you so much for reading and I hope to talk to some of you soon. If you skimmed through, I understand. I think my goal is I want to get comfortable enough to find a psychologist and explore a diagnosis of CPTSD (since my trauma was long-term and I fit several if not all of the symptoms) and BDD. I think talking to people in similar situations will help me feel more comfortable with this and maybe even help me develop better coping mechanisms.
Hi
 
UpnDwn1978

UpnDwn1978

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Jun 16, 2020
Messages
6,935
Location
Norway
Hi girlwiththekittytattoo welcome to the forum :welcome:

I hope you can find this forum to be helpful. There are a lot of friendly and understanding people here.
 
Contramike

Contramike

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2010
Messages
172
Location
Colorado
Hi everyone. I'm honestly not really sure where to start. I guess some background info about me would suffice. For reference, I'm 21 years old now. (sorry, this is kind of lengthy..I tried to shorten it as much as possible.) TW!! mention of self-harm, sexual abuse, drug usage/involuntary drugging, and violence..

Starting at age 14 I developed anorexia and started struggling with self-esteem and body image issues severely. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at this time as well, and my main trigger might be quite weird or surprising: sexual content and nudity on TV, movies, billboards, etc. Porn of course is another big thing. I used to watch or look at these things as a form of self-harm and punishment for not meeting up to these unrealistic beauty standards, yes...even at 14...and at one point I couldn't go outdoors for nearly a year because women in real life would trigger me, too. I've since gotten better about those two things but SC in media still triggers me and will cause me to hyperventilate, want to relapse into self-harming behaviors, cry, get nauseous, sometimes even dizzy, etc. so I avoid it at all costs as much as I can. I no longer have an ED but I'm also naturally skinny/petite so sometimes I struggle with feeling/seeing myself as unhealthy, even when I'm not.

I've been on a mental health forum for teens back when I was 15, shortly before I was trafficked for nearly a year. I wasn't abducted and in fact at the time I had infatuation for my abuser and believed him when he said I was "more mature (enough) for my age" to be involved with him. He actually took me out in public several times and no one noticed I was underaged until one day when someone at the mall reported us, and that was that. I was doing independent study during that time because in middle school I went through a lot of excessive bullying and needed a break from that, but after what happened my mom (single, worked 2 jobs, it wasn't her fault and she had no idea because my trafficker would drop me back off at home safe and sound) decided I needed to go back to public. Shortly after that school year started, I was raped again by a highly regarded staff member at the age of 16. People found out and the harassment I got from other students was even worse than middle school; I was quite frankly one of the laughingstocks of the school and everyone branded me as the lying slut who got one of their favorite people fired. I even had to get a restraining order on one student because she threatened to kill me several times, and even after she graduated she once tried to run me over.

If anyone is wondering at this point, I did have therapy for my depression and anxiety, just not for the CSA. I was on antidepressant medication for a couple of years but in 2019 (of this month, actually) I decided to stop taking it because I didn't feel 100% lucid and I didn't like that. I never really wanted to start in the first place (personal choice) and prefer alternative methods. I had an emotional support animal, got evaluated by a professional, and obtained my medical card for marijuana -- which is important context for what I'm about to say next.

Fast forward to the very beginning of 2020. I'm 19 very close to turning 20 at this point and in a relationship with an older man (again) because I was still finding familiarity in being treated badly. He is the one, admittedly, who introduced me to weed and supported/encouraged my decision to wean off my medication. But surprisingly, he's not the person who messed me up the most when it comes to drugs. I had two "friends" who I've smoked with frequently before and stupidly began to trust them. One day, they offered me a hit of what I thought and they said was weed. It looked the same and again I trusted them so I didn't say no. And that's basically the story of how I was drugged with K2, better known as spice or synthetic marijuana.

I'd be lying if I said this didn't set me back because it did, hugely. The high was fine at first but then it didn't go away and I began to have a manic episode which I've never experienced before in my life. For the next week, I'd be rambling incoherently and experiencing paranoid delusions, bouts of aggression, and spacing out. I ended up going to the hospital because I started to hallucinate and something needed to be done. I was admitted to a mental facility for a 72-hour involuntary hold (that turned into 4 days). When I was released, that wasn't the end of it. For months, my family and I wondered if I'd ever return to normal. The paranoia lasted and I just felt like I could barely process anything anymore and talked less and less. I'd space out a lot and it'd seem like I didn't have too many emotions. Showering was terrible because for some reason I'd choke up and it'd feel like I was drowning. The brain fog was constant.

And then it kind of just...stopped. One day it let up. A couple of months before I met my current partner, who's much closer to my age and treats me the way I've always wanted. Finally, my first healthy and loving relationship! Finally, I feel like I've returned to my old self before K2! And yet, I feel like there's still work to be done. So I guess that's why I'm here. I still space out sometimes (usually to distract myself from a trigger, but sometimes not..) and I don't know if that's the lasting effects of K2 or something else like CPTSD..

Looking back on everything now that I'm 21, of course nothing was consensual, but I struggle with feeling like I'm not a real "survivor" and that I would somehow be "infiltrating" safe spaces for other CSA victims because I was a teenager when my trauma occurred. This is one of the reasons why I've never gotten therapy for this nor have I gone on a forum for mental health again, but I hope that joining this one will be a step closer to my recovery. I know this was lengthy and I'm sorry for rambling on. If you've read it all and gotten this far, thank you so much for reading and I hope to talk to some of you soon. If you skimmed through, I understand. I think my goal is I want to get comfortable enough to find a psychologist and explore a diagnosis of CPTSD (since my trauma was long-term and I fit several if not all of the symptoms) and BDD. I think talking to people in similar situations will help me feel more comfortable with this and maybe even help me develop better coping mechanisms.
My goodness. You have been through SO MUCH at such a young age. It sounds like you need some people you feel safe around. People you know you can trust and will have your back. Is there someone like that in your life? A family member who you know you can trust maybe? Maybe a former authority figure like a teacher or counselor? Someone you can talk to and confide in without feeling uncomfortable? Seek help anywhere you can find it.

YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!!!

You qualify as a CSA victim because you are a CSA victim. It doesn't matter how old you are now. Those are people who have a passion to help people like you. They have chosen to dedicate their lives to helping people like you. They have experience in helping people that have been through the things you went through. These are people you can trust and will not hurt you.

It's OK to ask for help. You need a safe space where you can open up, let down your guard and know that nothing bad will happen while your there.

Is that something you might consider?
 
girlwiththekittytattoo

girlwiththekittytattoo

Active member
Joined
Jun 30, 2021
Messages
31
Location
nowhere & now here
My goodness. You have been through SO MUCH at such a young age. It sounds like you need some people you feel safe around. People you know you can trust and will have your back. Is there someone like that in your life? A family member who you know you can trust maybe? Maybe a former authority figure like a teacher or counselor? Someone you can talk to and confide in without feeling uncomfortable? Seek help anywhere you can find it.

YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!!!

You qualify as a CSA victim because you are a CSA victim. It doesn't matter how old you are now. Those are people who have a passion to help people like you. They have chosen to dedicate their lives to helping people like you. They have experience in helping people that have been through the things you went through. These are people you can trust and will not hurt you.

It's OK to ask for help. You need a safe space where you can open up, let down your guard and know that nothing bad will happen while your there.

Is that something you might consider?
Thank you for saying that. I'm not open to therapy just yet but will be looking for a psychologist to get an assessment for CPTSD. I have my current partner who makes me feel safest and my family supports me as much as they can. Tbh I think I do a lot of talking about what happened to me (even briefly), maybe that's why I didn't feel a need for therapy yet
 
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